DARTH VADER CARVES A PUMPKIN

Lord Darth Vader carves a pumpkin. I'm sure you can guess the cool way he does it. But can you guess what design he carves??? No, you cannot. So check it out.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, share this with friends

Halloween Costumes QUICK!

     I thought about wearing my Andy Rooney getup for Halloween. Then I pondered being Nick Nolte or Noam Chomsky. Halloween is easy for hippies, I bet. They already kinda act like zombies. Just put some fake blood at the mouth and they're ready to go. I probably won't dress up but if I do, here are some options I am pondering:
1. Burt Reynolds.
2. The Ghost Steve Jobs (he's a friendly ghost)
3. Batman Eating Toast (I like keeping toast with me)
4. Sanchez (a guy I just made up so I could walk around doing a cool spanish accent)

     I have never understood why some costumes are considered "Wrong" to do. Like Hitler. Sure he's evil. But so is Dracula. Now some may argue, "Hey Tony, Hitler was real. Dracula is not."
Fine. Then what about Vlad the Impaler, a real guy that Dracula was based on. Nobody would get mad at that yet, Hitler is not cool? I don't wanna dress up as Hitler. I just think it should be allowed.
Really, I want to be Orville Redenbacher. Like Batman, he was a good guy who could come off a tad creepy. (Cuz he would chew as he stared into the camera smiling.)

written by Tony Santiago, share this, Dammit!

Tombstone

These are Tombstone engravings I came up with that I think people should consider using next time they die. They are funnier or more interesting. written by Tony Santiago

'National Human Man'

Give me your tired,

Your poor,

And don't ask for them back because I love them and value this gift too much to ever part with it.

You...the people,

 Have nothing to do it seems than act as contrails to your leaders afterburners,

Recoil in horror at my every attempt to bring a little lunacy to your accepted sanity.

I can't help but take normality as a rejection of all that I am.
You are an army without ever signing up.

Be all that you are.

What you can be will follow.

written by Tony Santiago, October 25, 2010

Andy Rooney Retires Part 2

And here is Part 2 of me as Andy Rooney.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

The Negotiation of a Curb Approaching October

He lifts his foot to the curb as though it is a wrecking ball.
Trying to kiss a paper plate balancing on an upright toothpick.
It is like King Kong is nervous to reach the top of the Empire State Building (for he knows about the planes).
Only the planes don't come.
And we are laughing.
Though nothing is funny.
We want to cry.
Though nothing is sad.
And the sin of pride becomes a beautiful thing.
At the top of the Empire State Building.
Where King Kong is two.
Where his fathers heart swells when his son can step up onto the curb.
All by himself.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

Andy Rooney Retires Part 1

This is Part 1 of my Andy Rooney series of sketches featuring myself as the famous 60 Minutes Curmudgeon. Andy goes off on some strange tangents.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

"Schrodinger's Cat VS. Burt Reynold's Mustache."

"A cat is placed in a box, together with a radioactive atom. If the atom decays, a hammer kills the cat; if the atom does not decay, the cat lives. As the atom is considered to be in either state before the observer opens the box, the cat must thus be considered to be simultaneously dead and alive."-Erwin Schrodinger's Cat Paradox, 1935.

The passage you just read was an obvious, even direct, influence to my own scientific discovery many of you may recall from a few years back.

Burt Reynolds, after his divorce from Loni Anderson, met a much younger woman named Janet and desired her. She initially feigned disinterest in Reynolds sexual advances as she claimed to not be "attracted to older moustachioed men." Upon his persistent come ons and and attempted mounts, she did, however, at least, partially reconsider. Janet stated to Burt that she would consider having sex with him were he to meet her halfway and shave his mustache.

Burt, in a fit of horniness and bruised ego, races into the bathroom and locks the door. In this bathroom, lies a titanium razor (capable of temporarily shaving off his mustache) and a titanium mirror (capable of temporarily reflecting back his own image). Janet knew he was either shaving off the mustache and washing the hairs down the titanium pipes so he could make love to her OR he was looking at himself in the mirror and defiantly leaving the mustache on his face. Just as Janet herself would be in mere minutes.

As the mustache is considered by Janet to be in either state before Burt opens the bathroom, the mustache must thus be considered to be simultaneously on and off Burt Reynolds face.

My theory ends there of course, because history tells us that he later walked out of the bathroom with his mustache, told Janet she was stupid and made sweet love to her much better looking sister who subsequently could fly for about 20 minutes. While the aforementioned paradox has brought me world wide fame, it has also angered the scientific community as well as Burt Reynolds who is suing me for defamation of mustache.

In order to avoid legal trouble, it must be said that my story was only a theory and in no way is an accurate depiction of the mustache, which continues an indestructible residence upon the mighty visage of one Mr. Burt Reynolds.


.....written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, 2010

Operation

I hope real surgeons do not have as much sex at work as the ones on the Greys Anatomy television program.
I don't wanna get sperm in my surgery holes.
Also, I think the game "OPERATION" should come out with a Grey's Anatomy version.
And you have to use those tweezer things to pluck out little unwanted boners.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. But please share this.