..........tell Princess Leia she is your sister, that way she doesn't get all cocky thinking she rejected you for another man. Works every time.
..........get back in the Delorian, head to your young teen friends house and scream, "It's your kids, Marty! Something's gotta be done about your kids!!"
..........surgically remove it and call yourself 'Janet'. It's a reasonable name.
..........yell, "Meka Leka Hi Meka Hidy Ho" and then watch as a disembodied head in a box says, "The wish is granted, Long Live Jambi."
..........add a bunch of shots of Vader going 'NOOOoooo' until you've really pissed off your fans.
..........tell Lassie to "Run Home, Girl, tell everyone I fucked up again."
..........go back to Vietnam to "take pictures of POWs"...and by "take pictures of POWs", I mean kill the shit out of everyone.
..........try using the Premium gas. Unleaded alone will not make a Tardis "Just Go Already."
..........try dressing up as J Edgar Hoover. Maybe all this ultra seriousness will make up for your complete lack of personality.
..........blame it all on Ricky Gervais. "Yeah, I know as an actor I am supposed to do good work and entertain people but, it doesn't change the fact that a comedian made a joke about me....boo hoo."
..........have a big thing stab Wash in the chest. Poor dude is trying to put her in park and then "Blam! You're stabbed."
..........use weird procedures to get pregnant so you can have 25 kids all at once or something. That way, you make so many people, population goes up, world gets more expensive and now some places want 2 dollars for a taco. Thanks for that.
..........tattoo 'THUG LIFE' on your fingers.
..........vow to avenge your parents and go put on a fucking Bat Suit like a real man.
..........try, try again. Unless what you're trying at is another holocaust. Cuz that shit is not cool.
..........stare at the fucking picture long enough that your eyeballs get all twisty and maybe you see a stupid picture. OR just skip that and go look at a real painting.
...written by Tony Santiago, SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, all rights reserved
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
EYEBROW DANCE PARODY
This is my Eyebrow Dance Parody. When I saw that little girl get millions of views on YouTube for wiggling her eyebrows to the beat I thought, "I've been doing that my whole life" but I also have a weird tendency to wiggle my ears, nostrils, scalp and lips. Please watch, share this and SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube Channel, BansheeMilk.
all rights reserved.
all rights reserved.
"Where Are The Yellowheads?"
Redheads are called redheads because they have red hair. Makes sense. But blondes are not called Yellowheads. Brunettes are not called Brownheads or Blackheads. Blackheads is a term used for a specific type of pimple instead. But if the English language was logical we would refer to brunettes that way.
Bomb, Tomb and Comb are spelled identically aside from their first letter and yet they do not rhyme. And a silent 'B' at the end of each one? Why? Had these words originally been spelled 'Bom, Toom and Come' would anyone complain? Come is pronounced Cum even though it looks like it would be pronounced like comb which is spelled like it would sound like Com-Bee. And this is the language we demand people to learn?
Don't get me wrong, I think the guy in the Lotaburger Drive-Thru should have known what I meant when I said I wanted a Cheeseburger recently, but not everyone needs to learn English, a language that for all of it's good aspects also sucks in many ways as I just proved at the beginning. And why do we demand immigrants speak two languages when it is a skill so few Americans possess?
Almost everyone my age in France apparently speaks both French and English. Meanwhile, In America we get confused if Prince changes his name into a symbol. "How do I say that word?" "It's not a word, pal."
Many Americans are idiots. It is not "Anti-American" to say so anymore than it is anti-movie to say some of the movies you have seen in your life were bad. You've heard a song that was stupid, right? Does admitting that mean you are against ALL songs? No. Many Americans just happen to be stupid. Why is that? Is this because many of us are Yellowheads? No, I think we are simply too trusting. In a country so faith based, where so many of us believe in things despite their lack of imperical evidence, how can we be expected to question things? My own mom hates that I question everything.
"Some things just are the way they are!"she says. Actually this is not true. Even when we do not know the reason some thing is the way it is, there is a reason.Nothing is "Because it is".
And when I talk about this lack of questioning, I'm not just referring to religious folks. We have blind faith in our teachers, cops, doctors, firemen, priests and scientists. We trust them as though we know what each and every one went through to get where they are.
Yet, I, as a kid who got shitty grades growing up, convinced all my teachers as a junior in High School that it would be best if they let me make a film rather than doschool work and use all the other students as the cast so we could all learn "what it is to create."
As an adult, I actually think I was onto something but at the time I was just conning my school so I wouldn't have to do the work. (Nobody had to do school work for a few weeks).What does that tell you? It means that I, Tony, as a 16 year old boy, was too smart for my teachers OR worse, that they all knew what I was up to and were too lazy to do anything about it. So while good teachers exist, assuming most of them are great is a bit silly.
We distinguish street smarts from book smarts often subtly implying that book smarts is the way to go. Maybe. Depends on what book you are reading. Maybe you read dumb books. Street smarts isn't simply knowing how to throw a right hook. It can be sizing someone up, deciding for yourself at a young age if someone is being honest with you or if they're full of it. If you started attaining street smarts at age 8, aren't you 12 years ahead of the person who started at 20?
Books did not teach me how to be funny, be a dad or make love (3 things I value).
That being said, a recent poll I read (in a book) explained that most Americans cannot tell you who their favorite poet is OR they just blindly answer Shakespeare (a playwright) or Maya Angelou without knowing either of their work.
Don't get me wrong, one is not obligated to enjoy poetry. But it is nice to read some of the greats and then afterwards decide if you like them or not rather than prejudging it. So, yes, books are incredibly useful to a person who wants to be smarter.
There is a creepy "Anti-Book" trend going on right now. Sitcoms are filled with husbands and fathers who hate reading. Ever notice that? President Bush used to brag about how he wasn't a book learner. Books may not do everything for us, but they are essential.
The question I would like to pose to you is this: Before books or street smarts what did you have as a little toddler? Questions. You had questions. They are the #1 most vital element to not growing up to be a dumbass. Right now, you might be asking a question like,
"Why is Tony going back and forth?
Is he as bewildering as trying to find out his nation of origin? What the Hell is he anyway?"
Or you might be asking if I am a natural Yellowhead.
No. That was for a movie. However, I was born a Yellowhead and then in time turned into a dark brownhead or even a blackhead when my hair is wet.
I think I was around 2 years old when it changed for "no reason".
I'll ask my mom.
She loves questions.
written by Tony Santiago, please share this on Twitter or Facebook or whatever.
Bomb, Tomb and Comb are spelled identically aside from their first letter and yet they do not rhyme. And a silent 'B' at the end of each one? Why? Had these words originally been spelled 'Bom, Toom and Come' would anyone complain? Come is pronounced Cum even though it looks like it would be pronounced like comb which is spelled like it would sound like Com-Bee. And this is the language we demand people to learn?
Don't get me wrong, I think the guy in the Lotaburger Drive-Thru should have known what I meant when I said I wanted a Cheeseburger recently, but not everyone needs to learn English, a language that for all of it's good aspects also sucks in many ways as I just proved at the beginning. And why do we demand immigrants speak two languages when it is a skill so few Americans possess?
Almost everyone my age in France apparently speaks both French and English. Meanwhile, In America we get confused if Prince changes his name into a symbol. "How do I say that word?" "It's not a word, pal."
Many Americans are idiots. It is not "Anti-American" to say so anymore than it is anti-movie to say some of the movies you have seen in your life were bad. You've heard a song that was stupid, right? Does admitting that mean you are against ALL songs? No. Many Americans just happen to be stupid. Why is that? Is this because many of us are Yellowheads? No, I think we are simply too trusting. In a country so faith based, where so many of us believe in things despite their lack of imperical evidence, how can we be expected to question things? My own mom hates that I question everything.
"Some things just are the way they are!"she says. Actually this is not true. Even when we do not know the reason some thing is the way it is, there is a reason.Nothing is "Because it is".
And when I talk about this lack of questioning, I'm not just referring to religious folks. We have blind faith in our teachers, cops, doctors, firemen, priests and scientists. We trust them as though we know what each and every one went through to get where they are.
Yet, I, as a kid who got shitty grades growing up, convinced all my teachers as a junior in High School that it would be best if they let me make a film rather than doschool work and use all the other students as the cast so we could all learn "what it is to create."
As an adult, I actually think I was onto something but at the time I was just conning my school so I wouldn't have to do the work. (Nobody had to do school work for a few weeks).What does that tell you? It means that I, Tony, as a 16 year old boy, was too smart for my teachers OR worse, that they all knew what I was up to and were too lazy to do anything about it. So while good teachers exist, assuming most of them are great is a bit silly.
We distinguish street smarts from book smarts often subtly implying that book smarts is the way to go. Maybe. Depends on what book you are reading. Maybe you read dumb books. Street smarts isn't simply knowing how to throw a right hook. It can be sizing someone up, deciding for yourself at a young age if someone is being honest with you or if they're full of it. If you started attaining street smarts at age 8, aren't you 12 years ahead of the person who started at 20?
Books did not teach me how to be funny, be a dad or make love (3 things I value).
That being said, a recent poll I read (in a book) explained that most Americans cannot tell you who their favorite poet is OR they just blindly answer Shakespeare (a playwright) or Maya Angelou without knowing either of their work.
Don't get me wrong, one is not obligated to enjoy poetry. But it is nice to read some of the greats and then afterwards decide if you like them or not rather than prejudging it. So, yes, books are incredibly useful to a person who wants to be smarter.
There is a creepy "Anti-Book" trend going on right now. Sitcoms are filled with husbands and fathers who hate reading. Ever notice that? President Bush used to brag about how he wasn't a book learner. Books may not do everything for us, but they are essential.
The question I would like to pose to you is this: Before books or street smarts what did you have as a little toddler? Questions. You had questions. They are the #1 most vital element to not growing up to be a dumbass. Right now, you might be asking a question like,
"Why is Tony going back and forth?
Is he as bewildering as trying to find out his nation of origin? What the Hell is he anyway?"
Or you might be asking if I am a natural Yellowhead.
No. That was for a movie. However, I was born a Yellowhead and then in time turned into a dark brownhead or even a blackhead when my hair is wet.
I think I was around 2 years old when it changed for "no reason".
I'll ask my mom.
She loves questions.
written by Tony Santiago, please share this on Twitter or Facebook or whatever.
Friday, January 6, 2012
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION
Are you finding peoples New Years Resolution vids boring like I am? They always seem the same, huh? Here is one that is different. I tell you my resolution backwards and PROVE i can speak backwards by recording myself doing it and then playing it back in reverse so you can hear what I said. Booya.
"Try On My Shoes For A Second"
I have friends who are parents and friends who are not. Most of the friends on both sides are totally respectful and do not try to tell me how to be a father. Occasionally, some who have zero kids decide they know best. Now I'm not suggesting my friends with no kids wouldn't be good parents if and when they have kids. I'm saying until they know what they're talking about, they should consider, just maybe, eating a dick.
It is weird to feign knowledge on a subject you know nothing about and then preach to others. Like, I totally get why vegetarians make a moral argument against eating animals (it's pretty rude to the animal and I am a total dick for eating them). But sometimes Vegetarians pretend they know what the rest of us do. Example: I eat most raw vegetables. But there are many cooked veggies I don't eat because I don't like the way they taste.
Yet, I always meet some fuckin' veggie fanatic who is like "Oh, well you just haven't had them the way I make them." Lemme guess, you sautee them in a fine oil and drizzle a sauce and some seasonings on them as they sizzle to GOLDEN perfection in the pan? Guess what? I did try that. And I don't like Gold. I don't even like gold jewelery. If I wore a bunch of jewelery, which I don't do, but if i did, I would wear silver, okay? I don't like weird sauces and before you start in with the "Oh, but I put plenty of butter on mine" argument, hear me: I don't like butter very much. It is very rich, milky and sweet. I put butter on toast which I have, maybe once or twice a year and that's it. Listen, you may be a better person than me. You can think I have shitty taste, that's fine, but don't tell me that I would like them if I tried them. I did. They sucked. Have you tried Brisket? No? Shut the fuck up.
Even those of you who disagree with me, should be adult enough to see that if you've never been in the other guys shoes you shouldn't judge him. It's like when religious folks tell me I should believe in God. I did. Most agnostics and atheists were raised with religion in their life. That's a fact. Some of us leave it behind while other people stick with it. Have you taken atheism out for a spin? Have you allowed yourself to have the humility of being an agnostic? Have you been grown-up enough to say, "I don't know what is out there" ?
I was raised a Catholic. I know the prayers, the rituals, the Church, I was baptized and I had my Holy Communion. I'm not suggesting I am the world's foremost expert on these matters but I do know them as much as the average Catholic, and you know what? It doesn't work for me. Yet every now and then, some Bible Boy has to tell me I need Jesus in my life. He was in my life, pal. I kicked him out. He was hogging all of the happiness. Don't tell me what I need.
Have you driven my car? I haven't driven your car, so it stands to reason that I don't know if it has engine problems. What is inside of me is known only to me. Though, I'll give you a hint: Steak is one of them.I already told you...I'm a dick.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
It is weird to feign knowledge on a subject you know nothing about and then preach to others. Like, I totally get why vegetarians make a moral argument against eating animals (it's pretty rude to the animal and I am a total dick for eating them). But sometimes Vegetarians pretend they know what the rest of us do. Example: I eat most raw vegetables. But there are many cooked veggies I don't eat because I don't like the way they taste.
Yet, I always meet some fuckin' veggie fanatic who is like "Oh, well you just haven't had them the way I make them." Lemme guess, you sautee them in a fine oil and drizzle a sauce and some seasonings on them as they sizzle to GOLDEN perfection in the pan? Guess what? I did try that. And I don't like Gold. I don't even like gold jewelery. If I wore a bunch of jewelery, which I don't do, but if i did, I would wear silver, okay? I don't like weird sauces and before you start in with the "Oh, but I put plenty of butter on mine" argument, hear me: I don't like butter very much. It is very rich, milky and sweet. I put butter on toast which I have, maybe once or twice a year and that's it. Listen, you may be a better person than me. You can think I have shitty taste, that's fine, but don't tell me that I would like them if I tried them. I did. They sucked. Have you tried Brisket? No? Shut the fuck up.
Even those of you who disagree with me, should be adult enough to see that if you've never been in the other guys shoes you shouldn't judge him. It's like when religious folks tell me I should believe in God. I did. Most agnostics and atheists were raised with religion in their life. That's a fact. Some of us leave it behind while other people stick with it. Have you taken atheism out for a spin? Have you allowed yourself to have the humility of being an agnostic? Have you been grown-up enough to say, "I don't know what is out there" ?
I was raised a Catholic. I know the prayers, the rituals, the Church, I was baptized and I had my Holy Communion. I'm not suggesting I am the world's foremost expert on these matters but I do know them as much as the average Catholic, and you know what? It doesn't work for me. Yet every now and then, some Bible Boy has to tell me I need Jesus in my life. He was in my life, pal. I kicked him out. He was hogging all of the happiness. Don't tell me what I need.
Have you driven my car? I haven't driven your car, so it stands to reason that I don't know if it has engine problems. What is inside of me is known only to me. Though, I'll give you a hint: Steak is one of them.I already told you...I'm a dick.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Why Am I Ugly?
I woke up to a severely swollen face and it looked so funny I thought I would share it. Also, in this vid I come up with reasons I may be so deformed. It is a delight.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
'BURRITO UPDATES'
Attempting to write a blog entry while holding a baby is both strange and happening right now. I am telling you this as a sort of social experiment like Jane Goodall or Dr.Seuss. As we all know, Jane was trying to figure out the lifestyles of apes and Dr.Seuss was trying to figure out if he could exaggerate a cat's fashion sense and attention to headgear. My goal is a bit different today.
See, when I look at others peoples blogs, tweets or Facebook Statuses, they seem to share with their readers the most trivial details like "About to eat a burrito" or "This quilt seems to be coming along nicely...will keep you posted" while mine are not like this so far. This is not because I am too awesome for this. No sir. If a million people said they would read me were I to write of such things, I would fill the Net with more Burrito updates than you thought possible. In my defense, I think I would do it better, though. Surely, I would describe the burrito as a "Tortilla Bus filled to near capacity with protesters on their way to my Tummy Rally" or something like that. I would see no reason to tell you it was delicious because I trust my readers to know that just like a Gorilla who is angrily pounding at his chest in an effort to get Jane to stop writing in her Journal, "delicious" is the natural state for a burrito to be in.
So far, (and I may alter this in time), my blog has leaned toward what I am told is "very weird"or "eccentric." Really, imaginary critic? Is that your complaint? Well buckle in, you summammabitch. Cuz we're on the Tortilla Bus. Next stop: "Weirdville."
Here was my experiment: The idea was I would tell you, my 50 million readers, that I am writing this with a baby on my lap to show you that "Hey, I could update you with shit you shouldn't care about, too", so after reading about some guys growing collection of stamps, come on over here to BansheeMilk and I'll tell you what I had for breakfast. It was a burrito.And on the side? Another burrito.
Let's hope this brings my readership up another 1 million readers, making it 51 million if my math is dope. Teacher used to always bitch, "Your math is not dope enough." Well, who just wrote an awesome blog entry while the other guy was still a victim of murder, huh? Think about it, Dead Teacher, think about it.
written by Tony Santiago, and yes, all rights reserved, BUT feel free to share this on your Twitter feed, facebook page or whatever. Also go visit my YouTube channel. Stop being stupid. You know I just made you laugh and your pants are down. Finish.
See, when I look at others peoples blogs, tweets or Facebook Statuses, they seem to share with their readers the most trivial details like "About to eat a burrito" or "This quilt seems to be coming along nicely...will keep you posted" while mine are not like this so far. This is not because I am too awesome for this. No sir. If a million people said they would read me were I to write of such things, I would fill the Net with more Burrito updates than you thought possible. In my defense, I think I would do it better, though. Surely, I would describe the burrito as a "Tortilla Bus filled to near capacity with protesters on their way to my Tummy Rally" or something like that. I would see no reason to tell you it was delicious because I trust my readers to know that just like a Gorilla who is angrily pounding at his chest in an effort to get Jane to stop writing in her Journal, "delicious" is the natural state for a burrito to be in.
Here was my experiment: The idea was I would tell you, my 50 million readers, that I am writing this with a baby on my lap to show you that "Hey, I could update you with shit you shouldn't care about, too", so after reading about some guys growing collection of stamps, come on over here to BansheeMilk and I'll tell you what I had for breakfast. It was a burrito.And on the side? Another burrito.
Let's hope this brings my readership up another 1 million readers, making it 51 million if my math is dope. Teacher used to always bitch, "Your math is not dope enough." Well, who just wrote an awesome blog entry while the other guy was still a victim of murder, huh? Think about it, Dead Teacher, think about it.
written by Tony Santiago, and yes, all rights reserved, BUT feel free to share this on your Twitter feed, facebook page or whatever. Also go visit my YouTube channel. Stop being stupid. You know I just made you laugh and your pants are down. Finish.
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