Wednesday, December 28, 2011
CHRISTMAS CAROL PARODIES
This is fun for you first timers to my channels, but it also serves as a sequel to one of my previous films for you returning BansheeMilk fans. Here we have the host of 'Paper Weights' from WrongCo advertising for a CD of Christmas Carols that nobody wants. Please observe and share. Merry Christmas. Featuring Guest Appearances by the one and only Professor Jonathan Barn.
Monday, December 26, 2011
CHRISTMAS MEMORIES GONE WRONG by Professor Jonathan Barn
Professor JONATHAN BARN treats us to a few very short and strange memories of Christmas Specials on TV. Problem is, Professor J.Barn is an avid drug user and his memories are not what they once were. This is one of my many characters that may bring you lots of laughs or just confuse you. Either way, I am happy. This is also the film adaptation of 2 Blogs ago. Enjoy. Share.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Defy/Tonight Music Video...Maxwell Powers & BansheeMilk
This is a Music Video I directed & starred in for Electro-New Wave-Pop Star Maxwell Powers. He asked that any and all entries include robots and dancing. That was the only criteria (and of course one of his songs). I chose to use his song 'Defy/Tonight' and made this video about a robot, X-5000, who wants to learn about the art of human dance. He fails to find the answer indoors so he heads out into the Winter Wonderland and tries dancing out there while communing with nature. This also fails him and he goes back inside and tries his hand at inappropriate product placement in a music video. This causes him to short circuit and a chuck of his face blows off, revealing his true inner robot and he realizes he doesn't have to be like a human to have a good time. He can just be himself and dance robot style. Check out my video and listen to Maxwell Powers.
My Favorite Christmas Memories
If I remember anything vividly from my childhood it is the Christmas Specials on TV. All of which I could easily describe to you in such perfect detail you might think my brain was a tape recorder or an elephant. There was that one TV special where Frosty the Snowman captured Luke Skywalker and hung him upside down in his cave mistaking Luke for mistletoe. Remember that show? Luke cut off Frosty's arms just when the Snowman was about to eat some meat on the bone. So cute.
That was when I started taking Prozac. Anyway, who can forget these timeless holiday classics? Like when Rudolph was discriminated against and wasn't allowed to play in any of the reindeer games because he was Jewish. I hated that part. So sad. Their noses are different, my friends, not worse.
I remember those shows so well I feel like deep inside me there is a magical machine that plays them all back in Hi-Def. Like when Grandpa made me eat that VCR.
And, of course, one of my favorites was the Charlie Brown one. Charlie was sad because Lucy and the gang stuffed Bruce Willis into an air duct with only a lighter to eat for Christmas. Very sad. Then the Grinch had a heart attack and dropped that big ol' sleigh on the entire population of Whoville, which I think was just The Who. That's how Keith Moon died if memory serves.
I watched those shows every year and the impression they left on me was indelible, inedible and unEdwardable. I remember it like it was yesterday or 1985 or some other time. Santa Claus could see me when I was sleeping. He knew when I was awake. So I felt a duty to watch all of the shows that honored his one night of employment.
Come to think of it, he is an unemployed illegal immigrant from the North Pole, huh? Breaking into our homes on the Christ Child's special day? The Republicans are gonna be pissed if that ever occurs to them.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this. Merry Christmas!!!
I remember those shows so well I feel like deep inside me there is a magical machine that plays them all back in Hi-Def. Like when Grandpa made me eat that VCR.
And, of course, one of my favorites was the Charlie Brown one. Charlie was sad because Lucy and the gang stuffed Bruce Willis into an air duct with only a lighter to eat for Christmas. Very sad. Then the Grinch had a heart attack and dropped that big ol' sleigh on the entire population of Whoville, which I think was just The Who. That's how Keith Moon died if memory serves.
I watched those shows every year and the impression they left on me was indelible, inedible and unEdwardable. I remember it like it was yesterday or 1985 or some other time. Santa Claus could see me when I was sleeping. He knew when I was awake. So I felt a duty to watch all of the shows that honored his one night of employment.
Come to think of it, he is an unemployed illegal immigrant from the North Pole, huh? Breaking into our homes on the Christ Child's special day? The Republicans are gonna be pissed if that ever occurs to them.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this. Merry Christmas!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Paper Weights
Late at night, I had seen one too many Infomercials and after seeing a legion of ridiculous products I thought, "Is there any product they wouldn't push on us?" It occurred to me, if there is one, perhaps it is the Paper Weight. I may be wrong but for now, this is what I imagine that Infomercial would be like.
written by, starring and directed by Tony Santiago
written by, starring and directed by Tony Santiago
STALLONE vs ARNOLD
When I was a kid certain things were constantly compared with one another. Prince vs Michael Jackson. Coke vs Pepsi. Stallone vs Schwartzenegger. And we were told we had to care about these trivial matters by the media everyday (granted I probably would've loved it anyway as I am a sucker for trivial matters).
Chris Rock once pointed out that the 'Prince vs Michael Jackson' debate may have been a hot-button contest back in the day but that since then, "Prince won that shit" and it is hard to argue with him on that. Never mind the fact that Prince looks great in his 50s, managed to stay alive and not have multiple child molestation charges (innocent or guilty, these cases can taint a public image). But on top of all that, Prince plays instruments, made 'Purple Rain', dates women for real (don't tell me MJ dated women privately, if JFK couldn't do it in secret, MJ couldn't either) and Prince made songs for Batman, not for Ben. Can Michael dance better? Sure. Is dancing making music? No. It is how one may respond to music while listening. Just like throwing a party and going to a party are 2 different things. Not to mention Michael's dancing, while great, I always felt was a bit over rated and here is why:
Everybody says, "Only Michael dances like that"....really? What about the 50 guys behind him in every video who are doing the exact same dance at the exact same time? Michael is the bigger Icon perhaps, yes, but keep in mind Mickey Mouse is a bigger Icon than Bugs Bunny. Now who is funnier? Bugs clearly. Mickey has always been more cute than funny. While one can disagree with me, these are measurable strengths and weaknesses which makes it very hard to argue with. That is the only point I was trying to make just now.
The Coke vs Pepsi debate is silly because it's purely based on one's taste and it is more difficult to measure with pinpoint accuracy which of these items is better. One may have to go with dumb points like 'What the masses prefer' but, for me that has never been a good standard to measure quality being that Britney Spears has outsold The Beatles in many markets.
However, in my evening of nostalgia I have come to a conclusion. And that is I believe the Stallone vs Arnold argument must be put to rest. It has been a way to get drunk guys at parties angry with one another for far too long now causing pain, ridicule, premature ejaculation and busted mouths, so I'm gonna put it to bed immediately. It is time I explain how that old battle is over like this:
1. CHARACTERS: See, Stallone has 2 Iconic characters on screen, Rocky Balboa & Rambo, as does Arnold with The Terminator & Conan the Barbarian. But did Arnold create one of his? No? Stallone did. Rocky is a Stallone original. And the first Rocky film won the Oscar for best picture. No Arnold movie has even been nominated for Best Picture. Arnold is cool but, Rocky is a true dramatic independent film on par with Taxi Driver & Pulp Fiction, only it inspires people to this day..
2. NERD CRED: Here's a fact. Not everyone wants to see the kind of Macho films Stallone & Arnold are both known for. So let's put action films aside for the moment, Stallone also hosted SNL & The Muppet Show. He has made a John Landis comedy: Oscar, a James Mangold Drama: Copland and while the movie 'Rhinestone' is not a gem, Stallone had the balls to duet with Dolly Parton in it. That takes guts. What was he gonna do? Out sing her? Not a chance. In Copland we see him share the screen with De Niro and Keitel and do they blow him off the screen as one might expect? No. He matches their acting skill, beat for beat. When Stallone is too old for Action Movies, he will still be capable of great acting. Arnold? Well, we can all hope.
3. QUOTABLE: Many will argue that with lines like "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta La Vista, Baby" that Arnold is far more quotable. Not so fast. First off, "Yo Adrian" and "I'm your worst Nightmare" are on par with those. Secondly, while they both have recited famous lines, Stallone has not only spoken them but, ALSO written many for others:
"I must break you", spoken by Drago, written by Stallone.
and, perhaps, one of the greatest, actually gave Mr.T a career. "I pity the fool", spoken by Mr.T, is a line from Rocky 3 and it is written by Stallone.Would Mr.T even be famous without "I pity the fool"?
4. MACHO STATUS: Arnold is a bigger guy, yes. But, Stallone made 'First Blood' the first Rambo film, before Arnold had ever made an Action Picture. It is considered by many film historians the first true action movie. Arnold, Chuck Norris and just about every other action star has been remaking Rambo ever since. What are movies like 'Commando', 'Missing In Action' and 'Red Scorpion' if not Rambo remakes essentially? Stallone has more stunts under his belt, is far more ripped at 65 than Arnold is at 63 and, as long as we are on the subject of Macho Status, has bedded legions of great looking starlets when Arnold was impregnating his housekeeper.
5. POWER: You know that movie, THE EXPENDABLES? Guess who called the shots. "Directed By Stallone", my friends. He told Arnold, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke and more where to stand, what to say and when to say it. Often at the same time. They bowed to his call. As all should. For if we do not, my friends, we are all doomed.
6. ARTISTIC CREDIBILITY: This was already covered a bit before, but yes, Stallone wins this one. He has opened an art exhibit of his paintings which are quite good. Written films, poetry and...um...did I mention The Muppets? Some of the directors he has collaborated with are John Huston, Robert Rodriguez, John Landis, James Mangold, and Norman Jewison. And say what you will about Judge Dredd, but the soundtrack features The Cure, The The, & Cocteau Twins, bands no other muscle-bound actor could attract.
7. LIBERAL POINT SHEET: Most Action stars do not have the balls to wear women's clothing in fear it may make them seem gay. And if they do, it tends to be in a joke-y manner like Wesley Snipes in 'Too Wong Foo' or Kurt Russell in 'Tango & Cash'. But STALLONE, a muscle-bound republican Action Star, played a character who only can succeed in catching the bad guys when he is cross dressing. Watch a movie called 'NIGHTHAWKS'. It is truly great 70s Cinema (despite being made in 1980 or so). Stallone plays Deke DeSilva, a cop who from my examination fails at everything in his life, career and marriage when he wraps himself up in the normal macho garb of the time (which meant having an awesome beard and a Rocky meets Serpico look). But whenever STALLONE crossdresses in the film, he can save the day. It is like he is Popeye and a nice evening gown is his Spinach. Okay, here is the truth. I am an uber-liberal. Yes, it is bad. I want to protect trees, whales and once in a while, even children. In my journey as a Comedian, Poet, Liberal Arts type, I have met many a Stallone Hater. Stallone and Arnold are Republicans, But Stallone is not the "Let's get rid of gays and everyone who scares us" types we are so used to these days. He's the old school "let's get government out of our face and go have a beer" type. Is that so unforgivable?
Am I suggesting you should like Stallone more? Yes, I am not demanding it, but, I am totally 100% suggesting it. Let's face it, in the artsy crowds many of us have run with, saying you are a Stallone fan is like saying you enjoy having Slim Jims for dinner. But as a fan, I can tell you, they just don't get it. Yes, he has made throw away entertainment at times but he has made legitimate art on occasion as well. (I, for one, do not think someone is evil when they make throw away entertainment by the way). They judge the guy for his failures instead of his successes, something they would never do for someone they loved like John Malkovich (I love him too folks, but it isn't all 'Being John Malkovich'...sometimes it's Con-Air) These fake art-fans are also among the first to defend someone skinny or fat who is picked on for their physique (a very honorable thing to do) but will shit on a person who has large muscles. Silly and hypocritical.
I actually dated a girl in High School who was a super nice girl, but after seeing 'Cliffhanger' and only 'Cliffhanger' she decided he sucked. I submit to you, what if the only Malkovich film you ever saw was Con-Air? Would you be convinced he was one of the great thespians of our time? How about John Cusack? Do you think of a gem like 'High Fidelity' or a stinker like 2012? We should base our opinions on stars we don't know personally on their best work, not their worst. I was about 14 in the late 80s/early 90s, when Muscular Stars like Arnold & Stallone dominated the multi-plex and yes, I, like most boys bought many a ticket. Some of these movies were awful and unwatchable. Some were great. But after weighing the pros and cons, studying the facts, I can tell you with great ease.....Stallone won that shit.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. This is copyrighted but please share it with your friends.
Chris Rock once pointed out that the 'Prince vs Michael Jackson' debate may have been a hot-button contest back in the day but that since then, "Prince won that shit" and it is hard to argue with him on that. Never mind the fact that Prince looks great in his 50s, managed to stay alive and not have multiple child molestation charges (innocent or guilty, these cases can taint a public image). But on top of all that, Prince plays instruments, made 'Purple Rain', dates women for real (don't tell me MJ dated women privately, if JFK couldn't do it in secret, MJ couldn't either) and Prince made songs for Batman, not for Ben. Can Michael dance better? Sure. Is dancing making music? No. It is how one may respond to music while listening. Just like throwing a party and going to a party are 2 different things. Not to mention Michael's dancing, while great, I always felt was a bit over rated and here is why:
Everybody says, "Only Michael dances like that"....really? What about the 50 guys behind him in every video who are doing the exact same dance at the exact same time? Michael is the bigger Icon perhaps, yes, but keep in mind Mickey Mouse is a bigger Icon than Bugs Bunny. Now who is funnier? Bugs clearly. Mickey has always been more cute than funny. While one can disagree with me, these are measurable strengths and weaknesses which makes it very hard to argue with. That is the only point I was trying to make just now.
The Coke vs Pepsi debate is silly because it's purely based on one's taste and it is more difficult to measure with pinpoint accuracy which of these items is better. One may have to go with dumb points like 'What the masses prefer' but, for me that has never been a good standard to measure quality being that Britney Spears has outsold The Beatles in many markets.
However, in my evening of nostalgia I have come to a conclusion. And that is I believe the Stallone vs Arnold argument must be put to rest. It has been a way to get drunk guys at parties angry with one another for far too long now causing pain, ridicule, premature ejaculation and busted mouths, so I'm gonna put it to bed immediately. It is time I explain how that old battle is over like this:
1. CHARACTERS: See, Stallone has 2 Iconic characters on screen, Rocky Balboa & Rambo, as does Arnold with The Terminator & Conan the Barbarian. But did Arnold create one of his? No? Stallone did. Rocky is a Stallone original. And the first Rocky film won the Oscar for best picture. No Arnold movie has even been nominated for Best Picture. Arnold is cool but, Rocky is a true dramatic independent film on par with Taxi Driver & Pulp Fiction, only it inspires people to this day..
2. NERD CRED: Here's a fact. Not everyone wants to see the kind of Macho films Stallone & Arnold are both known for. So let's put action films aside for the moment, Stallone also hosted SNL & The Muppet Show. He has made a John Landis comedy: Oscar, a James Mangold Drama: Copland and while the movie 'Rhinestone' is not a gem, Stallone had the balls to duet with Dolly Parton in it. That takes guts. What was he gonna do? Out sing her? Not a chance. In Copland we see him share the screen with De Niro and Keitel and do they blow him off the screen as one might expect? No. He matches their acting skill, beat for beat. When Stallone is too old for Action Movies, he will still be capable of great acting. Arnold? Well, we can all hope.
3. QUOTABLE: Many will argue that with lines like "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta La Vista, Baby" that Arnold is far more quotable. Not so fast. First off, "Yo Adrian" and "I'm your worst Nightmare" are on par with those. Secondly, while they both have recited famous lines, Stallone has not only spoken them but, ALSO written many for others:
"I must break you", spoken by Drago, written by Stallone.
and, perhaps, one of the greatest, actually gave Mr.T a career. "I pity the fool", spoken by Mr.T, is a line from Rocky 3 and it is written by Stallone.Would Mr.T even be famous without "I pity the fool"?
4. MACHO STATUS: Arnold is a bigger guy, yes. But, Stallone made 'First Blood' the first Rambo film, before Arnold had ever made an Action Picture. It is considered by many film historians the first true action movie. Arnold, Chuck Norris and just about every other action star has been remaking Rambo ever since. What are movies like 'Commando', 'Missing In Action' and 'Red Scorpion' if not Rambo remakes essentially? Stallone has more stunts under his belt, is far more ripped at 65 than Arnold is at 63 and, as long as we are on the subject of Macho Status, has bedded legions of great looking starlets when Arnold was impregnating his housekeeper.
5. POWER: You know that movie, THE EXPENDABLES? Guess who called the shots. "Directed By Stallone", my friends. He told Arnold, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke and more where to stand, what to say and when to say it. Often at the same time. They bowed to his call. As all should. For if we do not, my friends, we are all doomed.
6. ARTISTIC CREDIBILITY: This was already covered a bit before, but yes, Stallone wins this one. He has opened an art exhibit of his paintings which are quite good. Written films, poetry and...um...did I mention The Muppets? Some of the directors he has collaborated with are John Huston, Robert Rodriguez, John Landis, James Mangold, and Norman Jewison. And say what you will about Judge Dredd, but the soundtrack features The Cure, The The, & Cocteau Twins, bands no other muscle-bound actor could attract.
7. LIBERAL POINT SHEET: Most Action stars do not have the balls to wear women's clothing in fear it may make them seem gay. And if they do, it tends to be in a joke-y manner like Wesley Snipes in 'Too Wong Foo' or Kurt Russell in 'Tango & Cash'. But STALLONE, a muscle-bound republican Action Star, played a character who only can succeed in catching the bad guys when he is cross dressing. Watch a movie called 'NIGHTHAWKS'. It is truly great 70s Cinema (despite being made in 1980 or so). Stallone plays Deke DeSilva, a cop who from my examination fails at everything in his life, career and marriage when he wraps himself up in the normal macho garb of the time (which meant having an awesome beard and a Rocky meets Serpico look). But whenever STALLONE crossdresses in the film, he can save the day. It is like he is Popeye and a nice evening gown is his Spinach. Okay, here is the truth. I am an uber-liberal. Yes, it is bad. I want to protect trees, whales and once in a while, even children. In my journey as a Comedian, Poet, Liberal Arts type, I have met many a Stallone Hater. Stallone and Arnold are Republicans, But Stallone is not the "Let's get rid of gays and everyone who scares us" types we are so used to these days. He's the old school "let's get government out of our face and go have a beer" type. Is that so unforgivable?
Am I suggesting you should like Stallone more? Yes, I am not demanding it, but, I am totally 100% suggesting it. Let's face it, in the artsy crowds many of us have run with, saying you are a Stallone fan is like saying you enjoy having Slim Jims for dinner. But as a fan, I can tell you, they just don't get it. Yes, he has made throw away entertainment at times but he has made legitimate art on occasion as well. (I, for one, do not think someone is evil when they make throw away entertainment by the way). They judge the guy for his failures instead of his successes, something they would never do for someone they loved like John Malkovich (I love him too folks, but it isn't all 'Being John Malkovich'...sometimes it's Con-Air) These fake art-fans are also among the first to defend someone skinny or fat who is picked on for their physique (a very honorable thing to do) but will shit on a person who has large muscles. Silly and hypocritical.
I actually dated a girl in High School who was a super nice girl, but after seeing 'Cliffhanger' and only 'Cliffhanger' she decided he sucked. I submit to you, what if the only Malkovich film you ever saw was Con-Air? Would you be convinced he was one of the great thespians of our time? How about John Cusack? Do you think of a gem like 'High Fidelity' or a stinker like 2012? We should base our opinions on stars we don't know personally on their best work, not their worst. I was about 14 in the late 80s/early 90s, when Muscular Stars like Arnold & Stallone dominated the multi-plex and yes, I, like most boys bought many a ticket. Some of these movies were awful and unwatchable. Some were great. But after weighing the pros and cons, studying the facts, I can tell you with great ease.....Stallone won that shit.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. This is copyrighted but please share it with your friends.
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