As a little boy, I used to tie a blanket to my neck and pretend I was Superman. I may have been running around my parents living room but, in my head I was flying at super sonic speed and ready to fight giant monsters attacking the Earth. Many boys liked playing like this. Or we would enjoy playing football outside with our friends. Some kids even liked watching it.
I do not like watching football. When I say this to other men they often think they heard something else like "I am gay" or "I like to suck on large, gay penises". American men really freak out when another man doesn't enjoy watching a game. Now, let me point out that I actually do like football. I like playing the sport called football. I like the ball called football. I even like a simple game of catch using a football. I just don't like watching others do it as much as I like doing it myself. Some people think I don't enjoy it because I don't understand it. Not true. I could explain the rules to you in vivid detail.
"But why are you a commie, Tony" you just said to yourself. Here's the deal, folks. I am not here to convert you to my way of thinking. I don't wanna change your mind, I just wanna shake your hand. Just be man enough (or woman enough) to hear me out, okay?
I think the games are too long. They usually have commercials and there's usually a dumb commentator talking throughout. If you are saying to yourself "Well, just turn the volume down" allow me to say this: There is no TV good enough for me to watch with the volume down. If I want silent entertainment I turn to books.
Usually when I have the oppurtunity to watch a game, other men are around. I love my fellow man, but when guys watch football they act really weird to me. Many of you shout to the players as though they can hear you, your voices get louder, yes, louder and most football fans say "We won" or "We lost" when talking about a game they watched. These facts prove that most fans are living vicariously through the players and wish they were them. Why else would they subconsciously expect to be heard through the TV if they are not, in fact, pretending like a child that they are in the game? Why else would they include themselves in a victory they had nothing to do with? This makes most fans so annoying and the worst part is these are often the type of guys who laugh at a nerd who dresses up as Batman at a comic convention. While I, myself, have never been passionate enough as a fan to dress up like the thing I was going to see, at least those nerds who do it, OWN their nerdiness like adults. Football fans sometimes do the same thing, painting their face & chest with their teams colors only they act as thought they are NOT being nerdy when, in fact, they are and it is okay. I see nothing wrong with either group of people dressing up and having a good time. So it is the shame & insecurity football fans carry with them I find so utterly stupid. It's not like big jocks are picked on much. Why are they so frightened? I don't know. Perhaps they fear we will figure out that their hobbies are all about pretending, no different than a gamer or a D&D Dungeon Master, the only difference, perhaps, being the gamer or Role Playing guy may have been the object of ridicule & scorn growing up. Yet, nerds own the fact that they like to play pretend and wanna-be jocks do not but, rather are often (not always) the ones who taunt others for being a dork. To those of you who love watching football, I see nothing wrong with your choice of entertainment as long as you admit you are a dork about it. I submit to you that just as Porn is there to help a person "Pretend" with themselves if they are in a dry spell, football is there for people to "Pretend" who would not stand a chance in the NFL.
As I said, I'd rather do it myself than watch. Same thing with Porn. If there is no other option, I'll take it. But real sex is better. Pretend is never as good as for real. I mean, I just saw someone say "I'm a Cardinal" and they are not. They're a Cardinals fan. Just like I like Batman. Much to my chagrin, I am not Batman. But I admit it. Whenever I am at a party or some social function and guys ask what team I root for, I have to tell them that I don't like football and trust me, they are mean. They condescend with statements like, "You just don't get it." Really? Oh, I see. So, I'm dumb, but you, the plumber with the pizza sauce on his shirt who occasionally screams "Go...Go...GO!!!" at the TV is a genius.
Maybe you're right. Of course I have never met a fan who can explain why they love the team they love. My dad loves the 49ers for example. His reason? Because he is from San Francisco. This is strange to me because the players are not from there. They are drafted from all over and for the right price the team will move to a different town just as the Oakland Raiders moved to Los Angeles for a time. Another reason I often hear is, "Well, I like the colors." For a group of people who champion manly things, this is the most Avon-y reason to like a football team. Some guys say they picked their favorite team because they were raised on it. Something like, "Well, my dad loved them so I do, too." This reason only makes sense if this fan also has sex with their mom because that is another things dads do. Just because your dad likes something doesn't mean you have to. My dad, for example, likes the movie 'Air Force One'.
That being said, I know about 10 guys (my dad included) whom I really love and they enjoy watching a good game of football. What's wrong with that? Not a damned thing. So, I often wonder if perhaps something really great and personal happened to them when watching a game. Something like they met the girl of their dreams during their first football game, or their dad told them he loved them for the first time. It just doesn't make sense to me to want to see more than one game as each game has the same characteristics, throwing, running and catching with the occasional kicking thrown in for good measure. It's not like the story changes and "This time they gotta beat the team that killed their grandparents" or "If he catches the ball this time it will eliminate racism."
Perhaps one day I will have an epiphany and love the experience of watching other people play a game. Maybe I will stop thinking the only thing that makes the Superbowl unique from other football games is more expensive ads and a glossy halftime show. Perhaps I will hear a guy say "We got the big W" and stop getting mad at the fact that abbreviating the word 'Win' to the letter 'W' doesn't actually work seeing as how the letter 'W' has more syllables and takes longer to say than the word 'Win'. Maybe all of this will change in me and I will sit beside my buddies on the couch or in a sports bar and tell the people on the TV to "Catch it" or "Hit him". Or maybe one day, men will become okay with their feelings and fess up.
That really they are pretending they are out there on the field scoring the winning touchdown and having a great time doing it.
written by Tony Santiago, All rights reserved.
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