Humans

          Humans. You might say, "Oh, those are those awesome creatures that invented Cheesecake, right?"
Yes. But they also made the Chia Pet, the fanny pack and a wide range of underwhelming ghost movies. I knew some humans back in my day. They were always made of meat and farted in the morning.
         Some looked real sexy and then spoke fondly of reality television making your penis soft immediately. Some would claim that other humans thought themselves "All that and a bag of chips" which was really selling their species short. As bad as they are, I have never encountered even one human who thought that maybe they were, indeed, a bag of chips be it potato, tortilla or any variety. It is hard to like a species who lies and claims that many of their kind look into a mirror and mistake themselves for a crispy snack. Most humans are bag shaped, yes, but this is not proof of one's chiphood.
         Heh. I pity these Earth creatures. Far too many of them watch a movie and shout at the characters as though they can hear them. Far too many humans bake a cake and take it to their neighbors house, as though the neighbors are really going to eat it when, in reality, they think to themselves, "I don't know you and I don't want your stranger cake. It could be riddled with poisonous berries and diarrhea suprise."
        Many humans make excuses for the loathsome Peach simply because it tastes good. Hairy Fruit is at least as disturbing a thought as people made of chips. Humans praise themselves for fitting in. You want to fit in with a species that beats their children? Children are tiny cute people with propellors on their hats and bubble gum shampoo. Fuck you! Human adults are the problem. They get on a stage or behind a potium and say 'Vote for me...I am like you'....Well, if you are like me why don't I vote for myself? That way I will get your paycheck and sleep with your wife.
       Pitiful humans with their saggy pants cuz they want to look like they pooped. Some humans claim to be cowboys even though those disappeared over a hundred years ago. Why not claim to be an ancient Samurai in feudal Japan? Or a dinosaur? Some humans think dinosaurs and humans used to ride a bicycle built for two. Some believe there was once a zombie carpenter named Jesus who walked on water and with all these powers his only concern was to stop gay people getting married. You know who else multiplies fish? Fish!! And nobody calls them the son of God. Humans...inventors of the unicycle & Tom Cruise. Humans.....inventors of the unibrow & non-alcoholic booze. Humans say they believe in freedom of religion and then limit the rights of the ones they don't believe in. Humans.....enslave a race of people and get angry when one becomes President. Humans....steal a country from  people and then get mad when they wanna come back in. Humans....they say they want something different and then watch the same old TV shows, read the same old books, and never try to look at things in a way that frightens them.
Humans.....we could do better.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved