"A cat is placed in a box, together with a radioactive atom. If the atom decays, a hammer kills the cat; if the atom does not decay, the cat lives. As the atom is considered to be in either state before the observer opens the box, the cat must thus be considered to be simultaneously dead and alive."-Erwin Schrodinger's Cat Paradox, 1935.
The passage you just read was an obvious, even direct, influence to my own scientific discovery many of you may recall from a few years back.
Burt Reynolds, after his divorce from Loni Anderson, met a much younger woman named Janet and desired her. She initially feigned disinterest in Reynolds sexual advances as she claimed to not be "attracted to older moustachioed men." Upon his persistent come ons and and attempted mounts, she did, however, at least, partially reconsider. Janet stated to Burt that she would consider having sex with him were he to meet her halfway and shave his mustache.
Burt, in a fit of horniness and bruised ego, races into the bathroom and locks the door. In this bathroom, lies a titanium razor (capable of temporarily shaving off his mustache) and a titanium mirror (capable of temporarily reflecting back his own image). Janet knew he was either shaving off the mustache and washing the hairs down the titanium pipes so he could make love to her OR he was looking at himself in the mirror and defiantly leaving the mustache on his face. Just as Janet herself would be in mere minutes.
As the mustache is considered by Janet to be in either state before Burt opens the bathroom, the mustache must thus be considered to be simultaneously on and off Burt Reynolds face.
My theory ends there of course, because history tells us that he later walked out of the bathroom with his mustache, told Janet she was stupid and made sweet love to her much better looking sister who subsequently could fly for about 20 minutes. While the aforementioned paradox has brought me world wide fame, it has also angered the scientific community as well as Burt Reynolds who is suing me for defamation of mustache.
In order to avoid legal trouble, it must be said that my story was only a theory and in no way is an accurate depiction of the mustache, which continues an indestructible residence upon the mighty visage of one Mr. Burt Reynolds.
.....written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, 2010
No comments:
Post a Comment