Vampires & Mermaids

Aside from the usual Sexual Fetishes people have (feet, food, household appliances) I have noticed 2 that nobody seems to want to talk about. Don't worry, I don't get filthy in this video. I simply address a strange trend for the last 100 years of MONSTER FETISHES.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this with as many people as you can.

8 Things I Am Thankful For

Well, it's Thanksgiving. That time of year when you see stuffing and despite it's features...you eat some.
That time we all go over the list of things we are thankful for. Here's mine:

1. I rarely see El Caminos anymore. Such a dumb vehicle. Is it a car? Is it a truck? I don't know. And in spanish, El Camino means 'The Road' or 'The Path'. You're starting to hate it now, huh?

2. We live in a world where a quick search may turn up good music or Tacos.

3. The DVR on my cable allows me to fast forward past musical performances in the Macy's Day parade.

4. Turkey comes in differnt colors, like dark meat, light meat and Indigo.

5. Stuffing can be used to stuff anything. Turkeys, ducks, the bodies in my TuffShed.

6. Santa is preparing for Christmas as we speak. Also, he is in preparation for the final war between the robots and the zombies who lay waste to one another through lasers and biting. (This may have been a dream I had)

7. Dogs and Cats have yet to merge sexually to create a terrible animal called a cog, or a dat. Or a Banky BooNoo. (I can't be in charge of naming it, okay?)

8. As the weather gets colder Mailmen wear funny hats.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

written by Tony Santiago

Awesome Facts About Having A Shopping Cart

This is a list of awesome things about having a shopping cart. Don't believe me? Watch it, fool.

'The Longest Lasting Youth Movement."

       I read a wrong article just now that suggested the "Hipster Movement" (which I believe does not exist) is the longest lasting youth movement ever. After pooping out a small bicycle in shock at the authors inability to see anything not white, I thought, "What about the Hip Hop movement? They've been going strong since the late 70s/early 80s. I would argue they exist and have therefore been a longer lasting movement." The reason, I feel, is that they are in a constant state of flux.
      When something changes before your eyes it is bound to maintain a passionate hold on people or at the very least a fanbase. This is why nobody looks away during the Werewolf transformation scenes in movies. Whether the effects are good or crappy, everybody watches change. Goths have been around just as long, you say? Yeah, but they were never really a movement. Think about it. Bands that are grouped into that genre like The Cure, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Bauhaus and Joy Division were never really goth bands. They were just rock bands who had a look that, at the time, was refreshing to sad kids who owned candles and had religion pushed on them at a young age. This same look seemed dangerous to adults (who hated the sad nature of the songs despite their love of 'Stairway To Heaven', a song angels cut themselves to...I have it on good authority) which made the goth look catch on, although never with a majority of kids so it couldn't be large enough to be a movement (this look was not shared by Joy Division who looked more like The Shins than like Dracula and whose influence can now be heard in such bands as Interpol). By the late 90s, when kids began wearing shirts that stated "I'm a goth" and Marilyn Manson (whose music was closer to Metal than "goth-y" stuff) began driving cars with a license plate that said "Goth Gangsta" it was just a way to sell stickers at Hot Topic. A joke. There was no movement because they lacked the numbers and a strong agenda (their agenda, I believe, was "Don't you hate Christmas Songs and bubbly people?"). This is not the case with hip hop.
      The Hip Hop movement has an agenda. Granted, it changes with the seasons. For a while it was a sense of community seen in block parties with DJs and MCs doing call and response shows in the street. Then came the gangsta era(this is the only era acknowledged by Republicans), followed by the gentler De La Soul/Tribe era which harkened back to the original era and now we are in the phase of an Uber-Capitalist era of strangely large watches. When I was a little kid, a guy in sweatpants and Adidas was cool. Now, that guy would be laughed at and called a homeless beggar in today's bling-bling rap culture. That will change, too, in time and I think we are seeing those changes beginning already.
     None of this matters at all to me. I am only suggesting that when a mindset changes over time, it strengthens. The goths and the hippies held onto a feeling so tightly that they seemed like statues. Immovable and unattractive. This does not mean there are no hippies or goths. Just that they are spread out. Hiding in pockets near smoke shops and waffle houses. Hip Hop culture is everywhere. Their beats can be heard in modern country songs, goth songs, and hamburger ads. The penguin baby in the ad for 'Happy Feet 2' is singing LL Cool J, not Arcade Fire.
     How can one suggest that Hipsters, who again, seem to just be nice kids living near universities with light beards and a plaid shirt are a movement at all, much less one that has out lasted the hip hop movement which started in the 70s?
     And before you think I am biased to one group and cannot give an honest opinion, consider this: I HATE BEING IN A GROUP. I despise the very concept of "Joining" anything. Once you start thinking you belong to a group, the idea of a uniform or a logo on your person doesn't bother you. I will gladly lose a friend, a job, or an oppurtunity before I will relegate my body to someone else's billboard. If I advertise on my body, it will be with something of my choosing.
     'But Tony,' I can almost hear you say despite my ever growing wax build-up, 'You love many "Goth" bands, aren't you a goth? You've competed in Beat-Box competitions, aren't you hip hop? You preach for equality and open-mindedness, aren't you a bit hippie?"
     No, my friends, no.
     I am none of these things.
     I am just an asshole with an agenda. But unlike all of these groups, I admit it.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please post this. Share it. Be a buddy.

CIA OFFICIAL COOKIE REVEALED

This is my CIA Training Video explaining the rules of how to stay in the CIA, what to do if you leave, and yes, folks, finally, revealed here for the first time: The Official Cookie Of The CIA. Can you guess what it is?

Too Hip To Hate Hipsters

        Ironically enough, it would appear to be quite hip to hate hipsters lately. I'm sure I would join in but, I don't know what a hipster is. And it seems those who abhore them are not quite certain either being that when I ask anyone 'What is a hipster' I get a different answer almost every time.
       This is not to say that I dislike those who dislike hipsters, or that I, in turn love hipsters. Nope. I simply do not know what a hipster is. All I can tell from people's tones is that I am supposed to hate them. Here, for your entertainment, are just some of the definitions I've heard. I've chosen the most common answers I've heard so as not to take up all your time:

1.  Someone who liked something before it was "cool" and becomes resentful of those who grow to like the same thing later. If this is what a hipster is, I think there is a problem with hating these people. Let's say you loved a band (to avoid any preconceived notions of "coolness" or "lameness" I shall make up a band: BARN TOAD) and when you talked about how awesome BARN TOAD was, nobody listened or they acted like you were dumb for liking such an unknown band. Then, BARN TOAD did a song for the soundtrack of HENRY THE GREAT FACE (I made up this movie, too) and they exploded, showing up on every depressed kids T-Shirt and when you went to a party people would come up and act as they though they were the greatest source for BARN TOAD knowledge there ever was. They even talk down to you as though you've never liked them when you liked them "Before it was cool to like them". Then you get called a hipster because everyone else jumped on the bandwagon whereas you researched enough to know about them when everyone else was waiting to be told by the media that it was now time to like this band. I could see getting peeved about that. Why would I hate you for that? Next.
2. I have also heard some say a hipster is someone who just doesn't like ANYTHING that is popular yet LOVES anything that is not popular. Clearly, there are better ways to judge something. However, there are worse ways, too. What if someone only liked something if it smelled of rotted beef? That would be worse, gang. Plus, most of the world is dumb. So while not everything popular is dumb, most things are. Why? Because they were chosen by "the masses", the same group of folks who got really excited when they realized they could say "Yeah Baby" well enough to be recognized as someone who, indeed, had watched Austin Powers. The idea I keep hearing is, "Yeah, Tony, but these people are just pretending to not like popular things so that they will seem cool." You don't know that. You can't see into their brain. Maybe they genuinely feel that way.  I don't see any reason to hate someone because they like unpopular things. 

     Now maybe I have heard wrong. Maybe these rules of thumb do not define what a hipster is at all. But if I heard right, I see the hatred as just another form of the popular kids beating up on the nerds. I know, I know. The nerds say they are not hipsters. But nowadays, few who say they are nerds actually are. For the first time in history, being called a "nerd" is not such a bad thing. But what I am noticing is that is because we have stretched the definition to mean anyone with a deep interest in something. When I was growing up, the kid who smelled funny, memorized the Table of Elements and collected dead butterflies was a nerd and people were mean to him because he was different. Now, I hear people say they are a nerd because they bought a Star Wars Coffee Mug. Really? I don't think so. Maybe when I was a kid and loving Star Wars meant you loved 3 movies and a line of Kenner Action Figures. But now, after 6 movies, a cartoon show, thousands of parodies online and in various forms of media, Star Wars is huge, awesome and beloved by even more millions than before. Now if you got a 'Legend of Boggy Creek' mug, a 'Buckaroo Banzai' toy, or a 'Teen Witch' purse...maybe then I would've called you a nerd (and wanted to hang out).
    See, what happened, I think, is society noticed on some subconscious level that the marginalized people, while ridiculed regularly, seemed to be defended sometimes in the media. They felt left out. They wanted to get the sympathy. So now the cool kids have to pretend to be nerds and dis the Actual Nerds who like the unpopular things to continue the same "let's pick on egghead" game that's been getting played for centuries.
     In conclusion, the smart kids, i.e. the REAL nerds, they love the stuff that gets them mocked. Nowadays if I am understanding things correctly, they are called Hipsters...or is it nerds? I can't tell. All I do know is, they are the ones with the BARN TOAD shirt all by themselves at the party. All they have to do is wait until the mainstream kids fall in line, change and allow the mainstream to accommodate them and begin to like BARN TOAD, too. Then, the nerd can forgive them for their stupidity. Or Hell....if he harbors any resentment, he can just fire them.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. Follow me on Twitter @BansheeMilk
   

How To Talk To Animals

This is me testing to see if a "very realistic" cat will respond positively to sweet talk. I am Tony Santiago. I am talking to it.  It is talking to me.  I suppose that makes this a cat video.

12 Facts You Didn't Know About Tony Curtis

1. Tony Curtis was in the classic comedy 'Some Like It Hot', a film that, in reality, only showcased the lifestyles of those who like things hot. At the time of it's release, many rallies were held protesting the lack of characters who enjoy things cold but it was the 50s. Sadly, their cries went unheard by Tony Curtis even, who was wearing earmuffs at the time.
2. Tony's daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis had a nervous breakdown due to stress caused by reading the title page on the script for her film 'True Lies', convulsing in in pain and screaming "How can lies be true?!?" Luckily her father was there to stare at her and roll his eyes.
3. On the set of 'Operation Petticoat', Tony Curtis told Cary Grant that they should have a handsome contest to see who would win. Cary agreed and began combing his hair frantically. Tony did the same and rumor has it the heat generated by their scorching good looks caused the cameras on the set to stop working. Other rumors persist that the cameramen were simply annoyed and turned off the cameras. There is no footage and we may never know.
4. The death of Tony Curtis came as a complete shock to both his adoring fans AND his body which up until that point had always been alive.
5. Tony Curtis was not given his name by accident. His TONE was often CURT, and he had on more than one occasion used the word IS in a sentence. However it took years for his parents to notice these quirks so until the age of 3 he went by the name 'Baby Who Coos Rather Nicely'.
6. The 'It' referred to in the title 'Some Like It Hot' was Fried Chicken.
7. Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis did not get along on the set of their hit film 'The Defiant Ones'. This was mostly due to the fact that Tony Curtis wanted to play "The Black Guy".
8. The movie 'The Vikings' starred Tony Curtis and Kirk Douglas and is considered to be a classic. The culture 'The Vikings', starred a bunch of giant bearded men who drank mead and laughed heartily whilst on boats that looked like dragons. This has been, "What I Know About Vikings" with your pal, Tony Santiago. Thanks for joining us.
9. Upon his death, Tony Curtis had always known that his eternal soul would would ascend to Heaven on a field of translucent light, basking in it's beautiful amber glow as Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World" played gently on harps of grace. Tony Curtis was wrong, though. Heaven only plays recordings of Buckner & Garcia's "Pac-Man Fever' repeatedly. Go to Hell if you don't like it.
10. Tony Curtis was, at one time, married to actress Janet Leigh, who was perhaps best known for her role in Alfred Hitchcock's 'PSYCHO' in which she played the timeless character of "Showers McStab-Stab."
11. It is not uncommon for older people who watch 'Some Like It Hot'  to comment 2 or even 3 times about the fact that Tony Curtis looked better in drag than his costar Jack Lemmon. Scientists believe that this is no coincidence, that there is a logical explanation and that is: "Old people are all kind of sketchy and gay."
12. Tony Curtis would like us to remember him for his performances both on and off screen and not for how awesome his daughters boobs were in the 80s and 90s. She's all about that poop yogurt now, huh? I mean yogurt that helps you poop, not yogurt made from poop. Why would she be into that? that's just crazy talk. Remember that part in 'Trading Places' when she took her top off? Dan Akroyd was getting paid. He was at work that day!! Can you believe that? I bet he couldn't stop high-fiving people all day. Also, he was in Ghostbusters. R.I.P. Tony Curtis.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. 

CANDY BOY

                      This is a kid-friendly poem/cartoon I made for Halloween. It's about a boy made of Candy who wants to go Trick or Treating but it is a difficult endeavor. Share it with your friends!
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

Head For A Useful hat.

Head for the door.
I bought it at a Hobby Shop and I think it goes well.
Head for the door.
The wrong way to deal with a problem.
Head for a useful hat.
To fill it with skull and give it purpose.
Head for a useful hat.
And put it on.
You look like a cure for what ails me, baby.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights.