"Try On My Shoes For A Second"

       I have friends who are parents and friends who are not. Most of the friends on both sides are totally respectful and do not try to tell me how to be a father. Occasionally, some who have zero kids decide they know best. Now I'm not suggesting my friends with no kids wouldn't be good parents if and when they have kids. I'm saying until they know what they're talking about, they should consider, just maybe, eating a dick.
      It is weird to feign knowledge on a subject you know nothing about and then preach to others. Like, I totally get why vegetarians make a moral argument against eating animals (it's pretty rude to the animal and I am a total dick for eating them). But sometimes Vegetarians pretend they know what the rest of us do. Example: I eat most raw vegetables. But there are many cooked veggies I don't eat because I don't like the way they taste.
      Yet, I always meet some fuckin' veggie fanatic who is like "Oh, well you just haven't had them the way I make them." Lemme guess, you sautee them in a fine oil and drizzle a sauce and some seasonings on them as they sizzle to GOLDEN perfection in the pan? Guess what? I did try that. And I don't like Gold. I don't even like gold jewelery. If I wore a bunch of jewelery, which I don't do, but if i did, I would wear silver, okay? I don't like weird sauces and before you start in with the "Oh, but I put plenty of butter on mine" argument, hear me: I don't like butter very much. It is very rich, milky and sweet. I put butter on toast which I have, maybe once or twice a year and that's it. Listen, you may be a better person than me. You can think I have shitty taste, that's fine, but don't tell me that I would like them if I tried them. I did. They sucked. Have you tried Brisket? No? Shut the fuck up.
      Even those of you who disagree with me, should be adult enough to see that if you've never been in the other guys shoes you shouldn't judge him. It's like when religious folks tell me I should believe in God. I did. Most agnostics and atheists were raised with religion in their life. That's a fact. Some of us leave it behind while other people stick with it. Have you taken atheism out for a spin? Have you allowed yourself to have the humility of being an agnostic? Have you been grown-up enough to say, "I don't know what is out there" ?
      I was raised a Catholic. I know the prayers, the rituals, the Church, I was baptized and I had my Holy Communion. I'm not suggesting I am the world's foremost expert on these matters but I do know them as much as the average Catholic, and you know what? It doesn't work for me. Yet every now and then, some Bible Boy has to tell me I need Jesus in my life. He was in my life, pal. I kicked him out. He was hogging all of the happiness. Don't tell me what I need.
     Have you driven my car? I haven't driven your car, so it stands to reason that I don't know if it has engine problems. What is inside of me is known only to me. Though, I'll give you a hint: Steak is one of them.I already told you...I'm a dick.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.