"The Super Awesome Power of Fish"

I don't believe in God but I also have no interest in trying to convince people that they should not. Regardless of your personal core value system, will you do me a favor? Just for a second, hear me out.
              The stereotype (which isn't always true) is that Conservatives and Republicans are big fans of Jesus while Democrats and Liberals are iffy on him. That the Republican right reads the Jesus comic book every month while Liberals just wait for the movie.
              Fair enough. I can't change this stereotype nor do I want to. I am, admittedly, not a Christian. I do not believe in any God, be it Jesus, Zeus, or Thor. But just for the sake of argument, let's say those of you who are practicing Christians are correct. That everything in the Bible (even the weird stuff that doesn't make sense) is true. I have seen countless folks on the right with rings that say 'What Would Jesus Do' in an attempt to remind themselves to behave more like him. 
             While not a biblical historian, I recall a tale in which Jesus made a whole bunch of fish and loaves of bread materialize for a group of hungry people. I don't remember Jesus demanding proof of their employment, identification, or citizenship(please correct me if he did). So now we know Jesus was even more generous than food stamps (something many conservatives are against). I remember another tale in which Jesus cured the lepers, right? He did not charge them. This was Free Health Care in the form of Jesus magic!!!
             Ladies and gentlemen, while I am no biblical scholar, I submit to you that Jesus Christ, the widely accepted son of God (although if you believe we are all God's children then so am I) was and is a fan of free health care plans.
            Clearly, he supported a public option when freely distributing cures and lunch. And his dad, (the world renowned celebrity, God) never told Jesus that his magic would be infinite. So as far as Jesus knew, giving away all those fish sandwiches would economically diminish his power. As far as any of us know, sandwich depletion was like Jesus Kryptonite. And need I remind thee of thy Lords sacrifice? No. I needeth not. He still helped those people according to the Christian mythology.

            Certainly the constitution defends our religious freedoms and one is not obligated to believe in Jesus  but, to be fair and consistent, if you DO believe in him then you have no choice but to be all for helping your fellow man.

"Yeah, but, Tony....what if they don't work?"
Jesus doesn't care. Remember when I pointed out he didn't check if those people were employed?
"What if they're foreigners?"
Jesus doesn't care. He didn't check where they were from, remember?
"What if Kanye or Toby Keith wrote a song about him?"
Jesus doesn't care. According to your book he lives in Heaven where all is magical and any human music would be boring compared to the rocking jams up there.
          Republicans, I implore you, don't assume everyone can work as easily as you do. Some people are handicapped. Or they can't get jobs for various reasons like pregnancy, skin tone, some are babies, and some are even dead (the dead can't hold down a job. Just a coffin.)
         Hell, some people might be too stupid. Seriously. Even if you are going to continue believing in a magic book that has all the answers, the book simply never said, "God hated his stupid children."
        Stupid people get hungry and need medicine, too. As do the poor, the babies and the dead (You've never seen a zombie? Those dudes need help.) Besides, if medicine was only for the rich, there would be a commercial where a monocled old fart rolls down his window and says to another old bastard in a car, "Pardon me...have you any Grey Poupon...or Pepto Bismol?"
        I have often heard Republicans argure that, "Yes, Tony. Some people are stupid but, it is okay to judge them seeing as how they could just go to school and get smarter." I will now disprove this argument, as well. Is there anything you learned in school that you forgot? Of course, we all do. If we have good brains we don't forget much is all. But there are stupid people whose brains forget the majority, a fact proven by the existence of the show, 'So you think you're smarter than a 5th grader', (which has a conservative host by the way.)
       To be fair, if you DO want lots of innocent people to die, then it is consistent for you to not want health care reform or you to keep voting Republican. But then you gotta ask yourself what side you play for.
Here are your options if you want to be consistent in your beliefs:
1. Be an atheist Republican.
2. Be a Christian Liberal.
Or better yet, 3. Be yourself.
       I don't have a "close personal relationship" with God or Jesus Christ. In fact he never returned my calls. I used to leave him messages and check my inbox regularly but, to no avail.
       Still, all in all, he seemed to me like he was one of the good guys according to his stories.
Maybe THE good guy.
Helped people.
Entertained them.
Did tricks. Walked on water (although rumor has it this really bugged those who were about to drink it.) He even sacrificed himself to the Death panels (I was as surprised as you were.)

         I saw a clip of Glenn Beck on TV talking about the distribution of wealth. He said charity and giving to the poor is fine BUT, not if the rich have to pay. Apparently, when he watched Robin Hood, he rooted for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
         If you root for Robin Hood when you watch a Robin Hood movie, you have no choice but to be FOR taking from the rich to give to the poor.
        All I am saying is, let your actions be more consistent with your world view. Are you for robbin' the hood? Or are you one of the good guys?
If so, perhaps one day when the rich can hire folks to die for them, the poor can make a living.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

'Superman, Dracula & Jesus Go To The Sizzler'

This cartoon features the Man of Steel himself as he and his lunch mates, Dracula and Jesus share with us their concerns over eating at the Sizzler. Of course, as you already guessed, Dr.Phil shows up and things are not the same after that.

'The Corn Call'

This is me calling the Boston Market (who were very nice) and telling them I was going to bring in a celebrity to eat there but that I was concerned since he has many special needs.

'One of the 2 Head Guys Resigned Today'

             My friend Liz mentioned that "One of the 2 head guys resigned today" meaning that there are most likely 2 separate guys who are in charge of something at her place of employment and one of them has just quit his job. But the way she said it got me excitedly thinking about 2 headed people. Something I have not done for hours.
             The possibilities of being a 2 headed man fascinate me. Not only because I often have trouble deciding on which hat to wear(problem solved), but also because I like attention. Whether your heads are handsome or ugly, I imagine having enough of them to match your legs would be a plus. In the movies, 2 headed people always argue with themselves for the sake of comedy (the line for those of us who can't wait to see that joke again starts here) but I think if I had 2 heads I would most likely agree with myself a lot, which would bring me much pleasure when driving.
           I know many arguments could be made for why it would suck. My appearance would frighten children, brushing my teeth would take twice as long and I would have no idea where to put the seat belt. However, the list of positive repercussions I feel far outweighs the negative.
           For example, eating corn on the cob would look hilarious. I could do the spaghetti scene from 'Lady and the Tramp' all by myself. For Halloween I could be Batman AND Robin. And if I started making out with myself in costume, nerds would laugh so hard they would shit their pants and run home to change, which would give me the prime selection of all the comics(cuz the comic shop is where I would trick or treat).
          I could make the "Who's on first" sketch lose all meaning and seem metaphysical because how could one of my heads be confused about players names if we were both there to learn the roster at the same time? It would go like this, "Who's on first." "Yeah, I know."
         Sex would always be a three-way, bobbing for apples would be easy, no one would block my vision at the movie theater, and reciting the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song would sound 1/3 better than it used to. See? Two is better. Or not. Who knows? Fun to think about, though, huh? I'm just glad that guy resigned. It gave me something to post. I'm not the type to post about what I had for lunch. And neither is my other head.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but share it with friends.

          

'The Immense Difficulty of Going to Sleep.'

          The human body needs sleep. In fact, not just THE human body (which has been credited to me more than once) but ALL human bodies. My own track record for eating, drinking, and breathing is remarkable if I do say so myself.
          Every time I want to eat, I do. And if the desire to breathe air should overwhelm me, I have been known to successfully inhale it on occasion. Yet, last night I failed at sleep.
The process was as follows:
1. Recognizing I was feeling tired.
2. Lying down.
and 3. Staying awake.
           I believe it was step 3 that screwed it all up.
           I don't recall a time when I attempted to eat food and just missed entirely. Here's what I do: I place the food in my mouth (that's just how I do it-you do it your way) my teeth grind and chomp the food stuff down into a weakened, if not, destroyed state and swallow. Then, without even trying I might add, I digest said material and turn it into waste. Impressed?
          I have never "messed up" and turned my food into a Cadillac or an igloo. I have never tried to breathe air and accidentally sucked Tom Hanks deeply into my nostrils and lungs. Never drank a glass of water and the next morning pissed out the Book of Mormon.
          So, why is it, with this knowledge of my extraordinary physical abilities, should I fail time and again to get a good night's sleep?
          Is it the Republicans? No. Too easy.
         Could it be my kids are sometimes noisy in the night? No. Because I would sometimes fail to sleep even as a single bachelor, plowing through a veritable sea of vaginas. So, I shouldn't blame it on the kids.
         No, friends, no. It's me. I must take responsibility. The bad sleep is on me. And I sadly do not know the answer. Unable to relax, I must essentially pass out from exhaustion like an aging Tyrannosauraus Rex after he has spent an hour trying to do a push-up.
        "But, Tony," I hear you asking in your mind, "Why then do you still, at times, fail to go to sleep?"
        Good question, faceless audience.
        However, the answer lies in the question itself, just as a Smurf lies in a mushroom thusly inspiring everything Timothy Leary ever pondered. Are you ready? Because here comes the truth.
        The phrase is..."Go To Sleep." Go. As in travel.
        This leads me to believe that regular people, and by regular people, I mean those of you who do not credit the Smurfs with the revolutionary ideas thought up by others, seem to know the "path" to "get to" this mythical town of "Sleep".
        None of you will share the secret to relaxation, of course, due to terrible upbringings and/or a fear that I may take away your dreams in the night. Not at all. I promise. I just want to know how to get there. Is there a quest I could go on that could result in me procuring a map? Does anyone care?
        Assuming some of you regular folk, with your precious sleeping abilities and your love of hot soup don't mind sharing this knowledge, then it would seem the directions to Sleep are just too difficult to give. I've never heard a friend say, "Take a right at Arizona, summon the Beast of Tranquility, Speaketh the magic chant, then keep going until you see  Tired and just a little past that is Sleep."
        I am thinking if no one can or will tell me, I may have to get a long wooden stick, a polka dotted  cloth wrapped around the things I own (which are nothing more than a box of matches, a goldfish and a Boxcar Willie record), throw my thumb out into the air (not literally) and hitch a ride with one of you commuters so we can go all the way to Sleep together.
       If you see me on the side of the road with circles under my eyes and a turtle by my feet, please pick me up. I promise not to eat, kill or rape you.
       I just need to go to sleep.
       THE human body requires it.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. But please, share it.

'Superman, Batman and Breastfeeding'

          A Facebook friend of mine(we will call her Rachel McAwesome Sauce for security reasons)who  is a new mother would like to pump her breast milk occasionally at work and one of her bosses has asked her not to(we will call him AssFace Jones for security reasons). I have 3 kids and I know that there are numerous problems with this mans request.
1. It leaked from his stupid mouth.
2. If a mother who nurses her child does not regularly nurse or pump than she can "dry up" so to speak(sorry to get so medical on you)and be unable to nurse or pump.
3. Would he ask a man not to pee for 8 hours? (and no, I am not suggesting breast milk is something to discard like pee, only that holding in a bodily fluid when one needs to release it can be a tad uncomfortable to say the least. Imagine your chest expanding against your will and to release the pain all you have to do is love your child.)
4. If a woman is unable to nurse or simply does not want to, she should not feel guilty since there are many very healthy formulas one can purchase however, breast milk is even better and if a woman is capable and wants to, is there a man on this Earth that should get in her way? No.
         Superman can fly. He can reach speeds no jet airplane on Earth can match. So, my question is this. If Superman hears the scream of someone who is in need of help, should he walk there? Should he sit at home and hope this screaming person is helped by someone else? Babies cry when they are in need of food or comfort. They can't do these things without help. Often a womans breasts will begin to leak at the exact time that their baby is ready for a feeding. So a woman knows when she needs to nurse or pump. It is like her spidey sense is tingling.. What if, instead of a flying Superman, we are talking about Batman, and Batman hears someone screaming and he can send out a remote control BatBot to save the day but Alfred is all "Could you hold in that instinct? It might make Robin uncomfortable.                                                           
        I say screw that shit. Robin will always be uncomfortable. He wears tights and is yelled at by a big man dressed like a monster. He even has to wear tights around Catwoman and Poison Ivy. Holy other expanding body parts, Batman!! I know I am a nerd but, my friends, wouldn't you fly if you were Superman? Heroes should save the day. Moms should nurture their children and anyone who is neither should have a tall glass of Pipe Down juice. It makes some guys uncomfortable? Really? Well, it makes the mom far more uncomfortable to have 2 of her body parts(2 of the best ones I might add)swelling up and telling her when to release. It makes babies uncomfortable to not eat when they are hungry.
       And why would you discourage a woman from using her powers for good? Could it be because you are one of the bad guys? Seriously. Women can turn into a restaurant for babies. Think about that. A woman can keep a baby alive with nothing more than her own body. That is amazing. I am a man. And I am a modern man so I'm not even good at killing stuff to bring to the baby. I go to the store. I use already sliced ham and turkey and bread to make a sandwich. Do you understand that, people? For the same reason you should not expect every guy to be a hulking He-Man of fire and steel(society killed us off long ago), you should not demand a woman to hold off using her special abilities.
      Men are rarely men. But women are still often women. And it is awesome.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, share this with a friend. The CD is one of my many Cd covers you can see at the end of my movies. http://www.youtube.com/user/BansheeMilk Doesn't this lady have pretty eyes?
     

PAVEMENT

I called this company that does driveways and whatnot. Well, not as much whatnot as driveways. But a fair amount of both I gather. The results of the call pleased me and I think you may enjoy it as well. The lady I spoke to was dying to get off the phone with me but, to my credit, I kept her on and took the conversation to some strange places.