'One of the 2 Head Guys Resigned Today'

             My friend Liz mentioned that "One of the 2 head guys resigned today" meaning that there are most likely 2 separate guys who are in charge of something at her place of employment and one of them has just quit his job. But the way she said it got me excitedly thinking about 2 headed people. Something I have not done for hours.
             The possibilities of being a 2 headed man fascinate me. Not only because I often have trouble deciding on which hat to wear(problem solved), but also because I like attention. Whether your heads are handsome or ugly, I imagine having enough of them to match your legs would be a plus. In the movies, 2 headed people always argue with themselves for the sake of comedy (the line for those of us who can't wait to see that joke again starts here) but I think if I had 2 heads I would most likely agree with myself a lot, which would bring me much pleasure when driving.
           I know many arguments could be made for why it would suck. My appearance would frighten children, brushing my teeth would take twice as long and I would have no idea where to put the seat belt. However, the list of positive repercussions I feel far outweighs the negative.
           For example, eating corn on the cob would look hilarious. I could do the spaghetti scene from 'Lady and the Tramp' all by myself. For Halloween I could be Batman AND Robin. And if I started making out with myself in costume, nerds would laugh so hard they would shit their pants and run home to change, which would give me the prime selection of all the comics(cuz the comic shop is where I would trick or treat).
          I could make the "Who's on first" sketch lose all meaning and seem metaphysical because how could one of my heads be confused about players names if we were both there to learn the roster at the same time? It would go like this, "Who's on first." "Yeah, I know."
         Sex would always be a three-way, bobbing for apples would be easy, no one would block my vision at the movie theater, and reciting the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song would sound 1/3 better than it used to. See? Two is better. Or not. Who knows? Fun to think about, though, huh? I'm just glad that guy resigned. It gave me something to post. I'm not the type to post about what I had for lunch. And neither is my other head.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but share it with friends.