'The Immense Difficulty of Going to Sleep.'

          The human body needs sleep. In fact, not just THE human body (which has been credited to me more than once) but ALL human bodies. My own track record for eating, drinking, and breathing is remarkable if I do say so myself.
          Every time I want to eat, I do. And if the desire to breathe air should overwhelm me, I have been known to successfully inhale it on occasion. Yet, last night I failed at sleep.
The process was as follows:
1. Recognizing I was feeling tired.
2. Lying down.
and 3. Staying awake.
           I believe it was step 3 that screwed it all up.
           I don't recall a time when I attempted to eat food and just missed entirely. Here's what I do: I place the food in my mouth (that's just how I do it-you do it your way) my teeth grind and chomp the food stuff down into a weakened, if not, destroyed state and swallow. Then, without even trying I might add, I digest said material and turn it into waste. Impressed?
          I have never "messed up" and turned my food into a Cadillac or an igloo. I have never tried to breathe air and accidentally sucked Tom Hanks deeply into my nostrils and lungs. Never drank a glass of water and the next morning pissed out the Book of Mormon.
          So, why is it, with this knowledge of my extraordinary physical abilities, should I fail time and again to get a good night's sleep?
          Is it the Republicans? No. Too easy.
         Could it be my kids are sometimes noisy in the night? No. Because I would sometimes fail to sleep even as a single bachelor, plowing through a veritable sea of vaginas. So, I shouldn't blame it on the kids.
         No, friends, no. It's me. I must take responsibility. The bad sleep is on me. And I sadly do not know the answer. Unable to relax, I must essentially pass out from exhaustion like an aging Tyrannosauraus Rex after he has spent an hour trying to do a push-up.
        "But, Tony," I hear you asking in your mind, "Why then do you still, at times, fail to go to sleep?"
        Good question, faceless audience.
        However, the answer lies in the question itself, just as a Smurf lies in a mushroom thusly inspiring everything Timothy Leary ever pondered. Are you ready? Because here comes the truth.
        The phrase is..."Go To Sleep." Go. As in travel.
        This leads me to believe that regular people, and by regular people, I mean those of you who do not credit the Smurfs with the revolutionary ideas thought up by others, seem to know the "path" to "get to" this mythical town of "Sleep".
        None of you will share the secret to relaxation, of course, due to terrible upbringings and/or a fear that I may take away your dreams in the night. Not at all. I promise. I just want to know how to get there. Is there a quest I could go on that could result in me procuring a map? Does anyone care?
        Assuming some of you regular folk, with your precious sleeping abilities and your love of hot soup don't mind sharing this knowledge, then it would seem the directions to Sleep are just too difficult to give. I've never heard a friend say, "Take a right at Arizona, summon the Beast of Tranquility, Speaketh the magic chant, then keep going until you see  Tired and just a little past that is Sleep."
        I am thinking if no one can or will tell me, I may have to get a long wooden stick, a polka dotted  cloth wrapped around the things I own (which are nothing more than a box of matches, a goldfish and a Boxcar Willie record), throw my thumb out into the air (not literally) and hitch a ride with one of you commuters so we can go all the way to Sleep together.
       If you see me on the side of the road with circles under my eyes and a turtle by my feet, please pick me up. I promise not to eat, kill or rape you.
       I just need to go to sleep.
       THE human body requires it.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. But please, share it.