This is clips from the Jimmy Rocker(world famous air guitarist) interview.
It was 10 hours but this is just the good parts condensed to about 6 minutes.
He is one of my better known characters.
by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
"The Exotic Tale of the Mattresses"
When she mentioned that she wanted one of those memory foam mattresses like on TV,
I jokingly asked my wife, "What did humans do before mattresses?"
She took me literally and said, "Hay," which, of course, is what many would sleep on before the mattress was invented.
But I didn't hear her correctly and thought she said, "Hate."
As in, "What did people do before mattresses?"
"Hate.......they just hated!!!!"
Sometimes a kid who couldn't sleep would say, 'Mommy, I can't sleep' and the Mommy would ask,
"Have you tried hating something? There's much in this world to hate.....like demons, scurvy and feeling parched for mead."
"Boy, this is such a long time ago," the child would say.
"Yes," the mother would continue, "You can also hate the fact that waiters and waitresses have to have separate classifications based on gender even though they don't use their genitals to bring you a glass of water. The point is, if you hate hard enough, you will fall asleep. A pox on thee who don't hate themselves into an unconscious state! Or you could always do what mommy does and imagine some golden fleeced sheep leaping over a fence in the magical realm of Brigadoon, and then hate those sheep!!!! Hate 'em I tells ya'!!!"
But that isn't what my wife said. She said, "Hay."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
I jokingly asked my wife, "What did humans do before mattresses?"
She took me literally and said, "Hay," which, of course, is what many would sleep on before the mattress was invented.
But I didn't hear her correctly and thought she said, "Hate."
As in, "What did people do before mattresses?"
"Hate.......they just hated!!!!"
Sometimes a kid who couldn't sleep would say, 'Mommy, I can't sleep' and the Mommy would ask,
"Have you tried hating something? There's much in this world to hate.....like demons, scurvy and feeling parched for mead."
"Boy, this is such a long time ago," the child would say.
"Yes," the mother would continue, "You can also hate the fact that waiters and waitresses have to have separate classifications based on gender even though they don't use their genitals to bring you a glass of water. The point is, if you hate hard enough, you will fall asleep. A pox on thee who don't hate themselves into an unconscious state! Or you could always do what mommy does and imagine some golden fleeced sheep leaping over a fence in the magical realm of Brigadoon, and then hate those sheep!!!! Hate 'em I tells ya'!!!"
But that isn't what my wife said. She said, "Hay."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
"SHAPES"
When normal people retrace their own steps they call it "Going in circles."
Nerds call it "Going in squares."
As a vocation, Baseball players must "Go in diamonds", Racecar drivers must "Go in Ovals" and MMA fighters have to "Go in octagons."
Crazy people call what they do "Going in trapezoids."
The full bladdered must constantly "Go Potty."
This piece is what I call "Going to bore you."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Nerds call it "Going in squares."
As a vocation, Baseball players must "Go in diamonds", Racecar drivers must "Go in Ovals" and MMA fighters have to "Go in octagons."
Crazy people call what they do "Going in trapezoids."
The full bladdered must constantly "Go Potty."
This piece is what I call "Going to bore you."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
"The Super Awesome Power of Fish"
I don't believe in God but I also have no interest in trying to convince people that they should not. Regardless of your personal core value system, will you do me a favor? Just for a second, hear me out.
The stereotype (which isn't always true) is that Conservatives and Republicans are big fans of Jesus while Democrats and Liberals are iffy on him. That the Republican right reads the Jesus comic book every month while Liberals just wait for the movie.
Fair enough. I can't change this stereotype nor do I want to. I am, admittedly, not a Christian. I do not believe in any God, be it Jesus, Zeus, or Thor. But just for the sake of argument, let's say those of you who are practicing Christians are correct. That everything in the Bible (even the weird stuff that doesn't make sense) is true. I have seen countless folks on the right with rings that say 'What Would Jesus Do' in an attempt to remind themselves to behave more like him.
While not a biblical historian, I recall a tale in which Jesus made a whole bunch of fish and loaves of bread materialize for a group of hungry people. I don't remember Jesus demanding proof of their employment, identification, or citizenship(please correct me if he did). So now we know Jesus was even more generous than food stamps (something many conservatives are against). I remember another tale in which Jesus cured the lepers, right? He did not charge them. This was Free Health Care in the form of Jesus magic!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, while I am no biblical scholar, I submit to you that Jesus Christ, the widely accepted son of God (although if you believe we are all God's children then so am I) was and is a fan of free health care plans.
Clearly, he supported a public option when freely distributing cures and lunch. And his dad, (the world renowned celebrity, God) never told Jesus that his magic would be infinite. So as far as Jesus knew, giving away all those fish sandwiches would economically diminish his power. As far as any of us know, sandwich depletion was like Jesus Kryptonite. And need I remind thee of thy Lords sacrifice? No. I needeth not. He still helped those people according to the Christian mythology.
Certainly the constitution defends our religious freedoms and one is not obligated to believe in Jesus but, to be fair and consistent, if you DO believe in him then you have no choice but to be all for helping your fellow man.
"Yeah, but, Tony....what if they don't work?"
Jesus doesn't care. Remember when I pointed out he didn't check if those people were employed?
"What if they're foreigners?"
Jesus doesn't care. He didn't check where they were from, remember?
"What if Kanye or Toby Keith wrote a song about him?"
Jesus doesn't care. According to your book he lives in Heaven where all is magical and any human music would be boring compared to the rocking jams up there.
Republicans, I implore you, don't assume everyone can work as easily as you do. Some people are handicapped. Or they can't get jobs for various reasons like pregnancy, skin tone, some are babies, and some are even dead (the dead can't hold down a job. Just a coffin.)
Hell, some people might be too stupid. Seriously. Even if you are going to continue believing in a magic book that has all the answers, the book simply never said, "God hated his stupid children."
Stupid people get hungry and need medicine, too. As do the poor, the babies and the dead (You've never seen a zombie? Those dudes need help.) Besides, if medicine was only for the rich, there would be a commercial where a monocled old fart rolls down his window and says to another old bastard in a car, "Pardon me...have you any Grey Poupon...or Pepto Bismol?"
I have often heard Republicans argure that, "Yes, Tony. Some people are stupid but, it is okay to judge them seeing as how they could just go to school and get smarter." I will now disprove this argument, as well. Is there anything you learned in school that you forgot? Of course, we all do. If we have good brains we don't forget much is all. But there are stupid people whose brains forget the majority, a fact proven by the existence of the show, 'So you think you're smarter than a 5th grader', (which has a conservative host by the way.)
To be fair, if you DO want lots of innocent people to die, then it is consistent for you to not want health care reform or you to keep voting Republican. But then you gotta ask yourself what side you play for.
Here are your options if you want to be consistent in your beliefs:
1. Be an atheist Republican.
2. Be a Christian Liberal.
Or better yet, 3. Be yourself.
I don't have a "close personal relationship" with God or Jesus Christ. In fact he never returned my calls. I used to leave him messages and check my inbox regularly but, to no avail.
Still, all in all, he seemed to me like he was one of the good guys according to his stories.
Maybe THE good guy.
Helped people.
Entertained them.
Did tricks. Walked on water (although rumor has it this really bugged those who were about to drink it.) He even sacrificed himself to the Death panels (I was as surprised as you were.)
I saw a clip of Glenn Beck on TV talking about the distribution of wealth. He said charity and giving to the poor is fine BUT, not if the rich have to pay. Apparently, when he watched Robin Hood, he rooted for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
If you root for Robin Hood when you watch a Robin Hood movie, you have no choice but to be FOR taking from the rich to give to the poor.
All I am saying is, let your actions be more consistent with your world view. Are you for robbin' the hood? Or are you one of the good guys?
If so, perhaps one day when the rich can hire folks to die for them, the poor can make a living.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
The stereotype (which isn't always true) is that Conservatives and Republicans are big fans of Jesus while Democrats and Liberals are iffy on him. That the Republican right reads the Jesus comic book every month while Liberals just wait for the movie.
Fair enough. I can't change this stereotype nor do I want to. I am, admittedly, not a Christian. I do not believe in any God, be it Jesus, Zeus, or Thor. But just for the sake of argument, let's say those of you who are practicing Christians are correct. That everything in the Bible (even the weird stuff that doesn't make sense) is true. I have seen countless folks on the right with rings that say 'What Would Jesus Do' in an attempt to remind themselves to behave more like him.
While not a biblical historian, I recall a tale in which Jesus made a whole bunch of fish and loaves of bread materialize for a group of hungry people. I don't remember Jesus demanding proof of their employment, identification, or citizenship(please correct me if he did). So now we know Jesus was even more generous than food stamps (something many conservatives are against). I remember another tale in which Jesus cured the lepers, right? He did not charge them. This was Free Health Care in the form of Jesus magic!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, while I am no biblical scholar, I submit to you that Jesus Christ, the widely accepted son of God (although if you believe we are all God's children then so am I) was and is a fan of free health care plans.
Clearly, he supported a public option when freely distributing cures and lunch. And his dad, (the world renowned celebrity, God) never told Jesus that his magic would be infinite. So as far as Jesus knew, giving away all those fish sandwiches would economically diminish his power. As far as any of us know, sandwich depletion was like Jesus Kryptonite. And need I remind thee of thy Lords sacrifice? No. I needeth not. He still helped those people according to the Christian mythology.
Certainly the constitution defends our religious freedoms and one is not obligated to believe in Jesus but, to be fair and consistent, if you DO believe in him then you have no choice but to be all for helping your fellow man.
"Yeah, but, Tony....what if they don't work?"
Jesus doesn't care. Remember when I pointed out he didn't check if those people were employed?
"What if they're foreigners?"
Jesus doesn't care. He didn't check where they were from, remember?
"What if Kanye or Toby Keith wrote a song about him?"
Jesus doesn't care. According to your book he lives in Heaven where all is magical and any human music would be boring compared to the rocking jams up there.
Republicans, I implore you, don't assume everyone can work as easily as you do. Some people are handicapped. Or they can't get jobs for various reasons like pregnancy, skin tone, some are babies, and some are even dead (the dead can't hold down a job. Just a coffin.)
Hell, some people might be too stupid. Seriously. Even if you are going to continue believing in a magic book that has all the answers, the book simply never said, "God hated his stupid children."
Stupid people get hungry and need medicine, too. As do the poor, the babies and the dead (You've never seen a zombie? Those dudes need help.) Besides, if medicine was only for the rich, there would be a commercial where a monocled old fart rolls down his window and says to another old bastard in a car, "Pardon me...have you any Grey Poupon...or Pepto Bismol?"
I have often heard Republicans argure that, "Yes, Tony. Some people are stupid but, it is okay to judge them seeing as how they could just go to school and get smarter." I will now disprove this argument, as well. Is there anything you learned in school that you forgot? Of course, we all do. If we have good brains we don't forget much is all. But there are stupid people whose brains forget the majority, a fact proven by the existence of the show, 'So you think you're smarter than a 5th grader', (which has a conservative host by the way.)
To be fair, if you DO want lots of innocent people to die, then it is consistent for you to not want health care reform or you to keep voting Republican. But then you gotta ask yourself what side you play for.
Here are your options if you want to be consistent in your beliefs:
1. Be an atheist Republican.
2. Be a Christian Liberal.
Or better yet, 3. Be yourself.
I don't have a "close personal relationship" with God or Jesus Christ. In fact he never returned my calls. I used to leave him messages and check my inbox regularly but, to no avail.
Still, all in all, he seemed to me like he was one of the good guys according to his stories.
Maybe THE good guy.
Helped people.
Entertained them.
Did tricks. Walked on water (although rumor has it this really bugged those who were about to drink it.) He even sacrificed himself to the Death panels (I was as surprised as you were.)
I saw a clip of Glenn Beck on TV talking about the distribution of wealth. He said charity and giving to the poor is fine BUT, not if the rich have to pay. Apparently, when he watched Robin Hood, he rooted for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
If you root for Robin Hood when you watch a Robin Hood movie, you have no choice but to be FOR taking from the rich to give to the poor.
All I am saying is, let your actions be more consistent with your world view. Are you for robbin' the hood? Or are you one of the good guys?
If so, perhaps one day when the rich can hire folks to die for them, the poor can make a living.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
'Superman, Dracula & Jesus Go To The Sizzler'
This cartoon features the Man of Steel himself as he and his lunch mates, Dracula and Jesus share with us their concerns over eating at the Sizzler. Of course, as you already guessed, Dr.Phil shows up and things are not the same after that.
'The Corn Call'
This is me calling the Boston Market (who were very nice) and telling them I was going to bring in a celebrity to eat there but that I was concerned since he has many special needs.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
'One of the 2 Head Guys Resigned Today'
My friend Liz mentioned that "One of the 2 head guys resigned today" meaning that there are most likely 2 separate guys who are in charge of something at her place of employment and one of them has just quit his job. But the way she said it got me excitedly thinking about 2 headed people. Something I have not done for hours.
The possibilities of being a 2 headed man fascinate me. Not only because I often have trouble deciding on which hat to wear(problem solved), but also because I like attention. Whether your heads are handsome or ugly, I imagine having enough of them to match your legs would be a plus. In the movies, 2 headed people always argue with themselves for the sake of comedy (the line for those of us who can't wait to see that joke again starts here) but I think if I had 2 heads I would most likely agree with myself a lot, which would bring me much pleasure when driving.
I know many arguments could be made for why it would suck. My appearance would frighten children, brushing my teeth would take twice as long and I would have no idea where to put the seat belt. However, the list of positive repercussions I feel far outweighs the negative.
For example, eating corn on the cob would look hilarious. I could do the spaghetti scene from 'Lady and the Tramp' all by myself. For Halloween I could be Batman AND Robin. And if I started making out with myself in costume, nerds would laugh so hard they would shit their pants and run home to change, which would give me the prime selection of all the comics(cuz the comic shop is where I would trick or treat).
I could make the "Who's on first" sketch lose all meaning and seem metaphysical because how could one of my heads be confused about players names if we were both there to learn the roster at the same time? It would go like this, "Who's on first." "Yeah, I know."
Sex would always be a three-way, bobbing for apples would be easy, no one would block my vision at the movie theater, and reciting the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song would sound 1/3 better than it used to. See? Two is better. Or not. Who knows? Fun to think about, though, huh? I'm just glad that guy resigned. It gave me something to post. I'm not the type to post about what I had for lunch. And neither is my other head.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but share it with friends.
The possibilities of being a 2 headed man fascinate me. Not only because I often have trouble deciding on which hat to wear(problem solved), but also because I like attention. Whether your heads are handsome or ugly, I imagine having enough of them to match your legs would be a plus. In the movies, 2 headed people always argue with themselves for the sake of comedy (the line for those of us who can't wait to see that joke again starts here) but I think if I had 2 heads I would most likely agree with myself a lot, which would bring me much pleasure when driving.
I know many arguments could be made for why it would suck. My appearance would frighten children, brushing my teeth would take twice as long and I would have no idea where to put the seat belt. However, the list of positive repercussions I feel far outweighs the negative.
For example, eating corn on the cob would look hilarious. I could do the spaghetti scene from 'Lady and the Tramp' all by myself. For Halloween I could be Batman AND Robin. And if I started making out with myself in costume, nerds would laugh so hard they would shit their pants and run home to change, which would give me the prime selection of all the comics(cuz the comic shop is where I would trick or treat).
I could make the "Who's on first" sketch lose all meaning and seem metaphysical because how could one of my heads be confused about players names if we were both there to learn the roster at the same time? It would go like this, "Who's on first." "Yeah, I know."
Sex would always be a three-way, bobbing for apples would be easy, no one would block my vision at the movie theater, and reciting the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song would sound 1/3 better than it used to. See? Two is better. Or not. Who knows? Fun to think about, though, huh? I'm just glad that guy resigned. It gave me something to post. I'm not the type to post about what I had for lunch. And neither is my other head.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but share it with friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)