"The Sloppy Joe Conundrum."

              I just saw a Sloppy Joe commercial and noticed they always show someone after a bite of Sloppy Joe(or Manwich as the case may be)wipe their mouth with their hands....no napkins.
I think the defense seems to be,                                                                                                  
"It's okay to be a filthy mess, America. It's called a Sloppy Joe!!!"
This is caca logic at best.
Yes, the sandwich is called that but, not everyone eating it is.

             It's not like if Sloppy Joes were called Whore Joes this would make prostitution legal. I doubt brothels in Nevada could dispense with getting licensed and just require their employees eat a Whore Joe once a day.
I just can't see a cop about to arrest a lady of the night going, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't see the Whorewich. You go on blowing people for cash since you're just doing what this fine corporate meal told you to do."

            Is this why people get mad at Hooters? Am I on to something here? Because I always hear people(and by people, I mean women)whining that the girls at Hooters have large chests. Now, I could see if Toys R Us didn't hire you because you weren't top heavy enough for them, you definitely have grounds for a lawsuit. But at Hooters? Look, I haven't been to Hooters....in the last hour.
           And anyone who discriminates against a woman for having small breasts is a dirtbag who should be pounced on by large steel toed kangaroos, but to get mad at the mere existence of well-endowed women at a place that is called Hooters is to be mad at all the tacos at a place called Taco Bell. You have to admit, it's not a bad name for the forum. They could have been skeevy about it and given it an innocent name like 'Sanitary Berts'.....(okay, I admit that is kinda creepy)but, no. They said, "Hey!! We have a theme going here! We could call this place 'Family Food Haven' or we could be straight up with our customers and call it 'Boob Hut' or 'Hooters'. The sign can serve as a potential warning even. Don't come in if you are afraid of breasts or owls."

           Yes, I am certain the Sloppy Joe issue is far more grave. Obviously, you could argue, "Hey, Tony! They are just being honest, too. Hence the word "Sloppy'."
           I get that, folks. But, Hooters does not come into my living room while I am watching TV.
Sloppy Joe ads do. Weird meat and sauce drips from the ghastly fangs of actors who bite into these terror hoagies with wild and wanton abandon. Suddenly I am forced to have the talk with my children. You know the one.

"Sorry, Kids. Some people obey and attempt to live up to a sandwiches name as though it is scripture read aloud by Oprah herself."

Perhaps if people feel a need to act as though the adjective present in a foodstuff's name should define the manner in which they consume said product then, Sloppy Joes could be renamed 'Sanitary Berts' for the sake of manners.

And if they want, Hooters could carry the Whore Joe sandwich. Just as an option.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

"I Dare You To Read This"

• "I dare you to read this," I said. 
• She said, "What is it?"
• I told her it was a voodoo curse but, really it was a takeout menu from Royal Ninja House and we both knew it.
• She took the menu from me and read out loud the noodles as though they were a way to make people's skin fall off.
• Then, she read the eggrolls as though she were dooming someone to be eaten by dogs.
• Finally she got to the entrees and read them in the style of a mad voodoo priestess challenging the laws of physics with her own special brand of magic.
• Everybody was happy and drunk and neither of us were real.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

'13 Secrets and Facts About Dennis Hopper You Don't Know'

1. Dennis Hopper was anything but 'Easy' on the set of Easy Rider. As a matter of fact, both Peter Fonda and Jack Nicholson tried to have sex with him and he politely declined.

2. The movie 'Speed' was about a bus that would blow up if it went under 50 miles an hour. In a bit of old Hollywood coincidental magic, Dennis Hopper once saw a bus.

3. Dennis Hopper is a great name for a frog or a rabbit. If you have one of these as a pet, go ahead and name it Dennis Hopper. Go on. Do it.

4. Dennis Hoppers initials were the same as Dan Hather's. He's a guy I made up who looks just like Dan Rather but instead of reading the news, humps couches and barks. Also, he's sort of a dog shaped man.

5. Dennis Hopper, ironically enough, liked to hop. In 'Super Mario Bros' he never got to hop even though, everyone hops in MarioLand. Boycott that film as well as BP for what they've done to our oceans.

6. I got to meet Dennis on the set of one of my films. He was a delightful man even though he claimed to have slipped acid in my food! So funny! He didn't really do it, though. Don't worry, Goldfish. My car is still a beef taco.

7. Some lines are just meant to be famous, I guess. In 'True Romance', Dennis claims Patricia Arquette 'Tastes like a peach'. He also once said this about a peach. Only no one was there to hear it.

8. The movie 'Colors', which was directed by Dennis Hopper, was the first film to use a theme song by Ice-T. One time, on the set, Ice-T was drinking an Iced Tea and it totally blew Dennis Hopper's mind.

9. Many people believed Dennis Hopper was dying the last few months of his life but, in reality, he spent every second truly living....Booya! That shit was deep! Eat a dick, Deepak Chopra! You said I couldn't do it and I did! You owe me a soda pop!

10. Dennis Hopper was Born to be Wild. And now, you don't know what he can see. Why didn't you go with him, little girl, on a magic carpet ride?

11. It has been said that Dennis Hoppers film legacy will stand the test of time, yet, it is his name that will forever be connected to the counter culture of the late 60s. Just like how I connect my tooshie to the couch anytime 'Big Bang Theory' is on. Good times, every Thursday Night on CBS. Be there!!!

12. Both Keanu Reeves and Dennis Hopper had to utter the line "What do you do?" in the movie "Speed'. The irony is they both knew exactly what they were doing. They were making dreams come true.

13. What if, in life, Dennis Hopper was the 'Easy Rider' but, in death, he becomes 'The Ghost Rider', a flaming skull atop the body of a biker, wreaking havoc on Americas highways? I guess that was more of a Dennis Hopper question than a Dennis Hopper fact. But if it came true....that would be awesome. And that's a stone cold fact!


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

'Invisible Man Blues.'

It is never safe to assume.
However, I think it is more than likely the management here will never put me in that "Employee of the Month" photo above the customer service desk. And they'll pretend my being the Invisible Man has nothing to do with it.

Truth is, they won't have the courage to proudly display a photo of nobody upon the mantle.
I feel for them in my own unseen way.

written by tony santiago, all rights reserved.

"What It Means To Be Born In 1976"

You'll never have the chance to befriend a dinosaur. 

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

"25 Facts You Should Know If You Are A Nerd"

                                             
1)  You may not be aware of this but, the A in 'The A-Team' stood for "Absent Fathers'.

2) Elmo, the first mexican Muppet, is actually pronounced and written like this: "El Moe."

3) Pokemon cards are laced with a drug called 'Sensitron'. It makes things that don't make sense seem to make sense.

4) When young Billy Batson shouts the magic word "SHAZAM!" he becomes the mightiest of heroes, Captain Marvel. Similarly, when i shout the magic word "FIRE!" in a crowded theater, the crowd turns into a frightened mob and runs in terror......Because of my magic.

5) On the show 'LOST', ironically, no one was lost. Everytime I saw it, I'd go, "Right there! You're right there!" Sure enough, we learned they were all right there.

6) The first name 'Darth' is so very common in Sith social circles that during roll call, many Darths would raise their hands at the same time. It was a real hoot.

7) In 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' we learn the magical land of Narnia is in the back of a closet. True to the mythology, many of Narnias characters are also "In the closet", if you know what I mean.

8)  Vampirism is a rare blood disease causing immortality, super powers and, as it happens, very prominent cheekbones.

9) If Green Lantern creates a green girlfriend using his power ring, nobody considers that masturbation but me.

10) My daughter has a 'Transformer', which is a toy robot that can turn into a car at the drop of a hat. I, myself, have a pair of 'Pants' that can turn into dirty laundry at the drop of a bowl of soup.

11) On the show 'Knight Rider' we learned that Hasselhoff could talk to his car. And you can, too, people. Go ahead. I won't say anything. Nor will the car in response.

12) I think when someone turns into a werewolf, they probably double or possibly even triple  their chances of  getting some nice dog sex.

13) David Bowies hair was so difficult to maintain on the set of the fim "Labyrinth' he would sometimes have to scalp Tina Turner and wear her head meat just to get through a scene.

14) Thor carries a mystical hammer called Mjolnir that comes with a thunder. This used to be the name I gave my penis.

15) Now my penis name is 'General Zod'(the villain from Superman 2). So if I ever yell at you, "Kneel before Zod!" I hope you will know what to do.

16) George Lucas actually got the idea for the character 'Jar Jar Binks' from one of his closest friends: 'Container Container Binks'. 

17) Harry Potter is not only the name of a popular wizard but, also Chewbaccas toilet.

18) I bet you there is a real guy out there named Frank N. Berry. At least, I hope so.

19) If they ever make a porno version of 'Clash of the Titans', I think they should just take the 'an' out of the title.

20) 'Dark City' was about a nightmarish alien plot to enslave humanity and not, as rumored, about Detroit.

21) The show 'Heroes' had no Heroes in it. The characters just had super powers and fought each other. They did not save people. It is like if you went to 'Burger King' and they had no burgers. Just salad with 'burger-like powers'. There. I said it.

22) RoboCop is half man, half machine, and half bad at fractions.

23) The Terminator can take a bullet, have its skin burnt off and can even sweat. But it cannot pronounce California.

24) If a vampire laughs while feeding I bet blood shoots out of their nose.

25) The Lone Rangers horse, Silver, was actually white. When are we gonna talk about color in this country?

26) In literary circles, Dr. Who was known as Dr. Whom



written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

"Uncle Keyhole's Sears Photo."

        
         I want to go to Sears and have them take my picture.
I'll pose in a position I'd never sit in normally, perhaps my right hand gently lying on top of my left.
Maybe I would wear a brightly colored dad sweater, my hair parted like a news anchor, a background of winter trees and the sun rising.  Who knows?
        But first I'll get a black eye and knock out a tooth. No need to clean the blood from my lip either. Hell, why not take the picture right after getting out of prison?
        Then I want you to frame me and put me on your television or piano. Tell inquiring visitors that I came with the frame. Tell them you found me while searching through an old abandoned house and took me home.
Show me to your ailing mother and say, "Isn't this a strange picture?"
        To which your mother would respond, "That's your Uncle Keyhole! Where did you find that?"

And then you would reply,"Ummm....in some old house....are you sure he"s family?'

And then your mother would go,"I'd know that face anywhere. He's my evil brother. Problem is.....this means he is still alive......and he sees you."

That's the kind of picture I want to take.

Screw it. I'm going to Sears right now."

                          written by tony santiago, all rights reserved                                                                                                                        

'The No-Hope Diamond.'

            My search for the No-Hope Diamond has always been a worthwhile one. People always tell me there is no such thing as a No-Hope Diamond or that it is merely a joke I made up that references the far more famous Hope Diamond. On the contrary, why must I have heard of something prior to wanting it?
             I enjoy making things up before I search for them. You see, it was the adventure side of Indiana Jones I enjoyed. The time he spent studying history or digging surely could have been put to better use shooting Nazis, getting in car chases with Nazis or tricking Nazis into standing still long enough to get a back rub from the  propellers of an old-timey airplane.
            Sometimes he would hope to find a treasure in a cave or something and I always thought, "Who gives a shit, Indy? Even if you find your goofy relic it is only going to backfire and melt the faces of those who would look upon your grand accomplishment." But even as I write these words I am all too aware of my hypocrisy. For how can I mock the fedora wearing hero when I, myself, am on a quest?
            Yes, I seek the No-Hope Diamond. A possibly imaginary MacGuffin(not to be confused with McDonalds new mythical beast burger, the McGriffin) that I am hoping to obtain as a cure for my hope. Afterall, once I have it I can't keep hoping to get it, can I? I am glad you agree. Just imagine it, readers. A jewel that when held obliterates any hopes or dreams for the guy holding it.
            Don't like the right wing radio personality who hopes our country will one day revert back to 'The Old Days'? Just walk up to him and say, "Here. Hold this a second."  Now he hopes for nothing.    
            Feel like winning a game of Hot Potato? Replace the potato with the No-Hope Diamond. Each and every opponent will hold it passively at great lengths losing any hope to win and thusly making you the Grand Champion.
            When learning of my quest, many have told me that to take away someones hope when it is all they have left is an evil thing to do. I agree. But what if it is not the only thing they have left? What if they also have a ham sandwich? Or a nice pair of slacks? Are you still worried about them? Of course not. They are rich with sandwich and slacks. Hope is not lost(until I take it away, of course. Then it most certainly is.).
            Perhaps you are a young adult and tire of your parents constant disapproval over your life choices(personally I found your plan to go into Musket Repair both impressive and impractical). Well, why not ask your folks to grasp "a shiny rock you found" and see if they judge you after that.
            Maybe you're a filmmaker who fears critique. Or a chef who fears your customers functioning tastebuds. Maybe you're a writer who could go the rest of your life without hearing someone preach to you about grammar and spelling mistakes,,(all tho; yoU rally shoood werk on that)....<
            Hand these interlopers the No-Hope Diamond. Now you may be thinking, 'That's all well and good, Sir. But I don't have it.'
            Which brings us back to my mission. Once I acquire this most hopeless of treasures, I will rent it out to the highest bidder. You just have to admit that I have what you need. And then give me a wheelbarrow full of cash(If you do not have a wheelbarrow I can rent you one of those, too).
             I don't know how I will ever find the Diamond exactly. Nor do I know for certain that it exists. But perhaps in lieu of a real Indy-like adventure I could simply put out a want ad(or a hope ad if you prefer). I see no reason why I should have to crawl around with snakes.
            What it all comes down to is this: Search for whatever you want in life. Jewels, snakes, slacks, etc. Don't worry about if others share your perverse desires. And if all you do is hope for your dreams to come true without ever working towards your goal, well, do me a favor.
             I need you to hold something for a second.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

Ghost Chair On The Tide

I would love to take a rocking chair and somehow affix it to a pontoon boat.

Would love to rig it to rock repeatedly so that it never stops and let that baby float out to sea.

Would love to give the sharks a story they could tell their grandkids.




written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved