My search for the No-Hope Diamond has always been a worthwhile one. People always tell me there is no such thing as a No-Hope Diamond or that it is merely a joke I made up that references the far more famous Hope Diamond. On the contrary, why must I have heard of something prior to wanting it?
I enjoy making things up before I search for them. You see, it was the adventure side of Indiana Jones I enjoyed. The time he spent studying history or digging surely could have been put to better use shooting Nazis, getting in car chases with Nazis or tricking Nazis into standing still long enough to get a back rub from the propellers of an old-timey airplane.
Sometimes he would hope to find a treasure in a cave or something and I always thought, "Who gives a shit, Indy? Even if you find your goofy relic it is only going to backfire and melt the faces of those who would look upon your grand accomplishment." But even as I write these words I am all too aware of my hypocrisy. For how can I mock the fedora wearing hero when I, myself, am on a quest?
Yes, I seek the No-Hope Diamond. A possibly imaginary MacGuffin(not to be confused with McDonalds new mythical beast burger, the McGriffin) that I am hoping to obtain as a cure for my hope. Afterall, once I have it I can't keep hoping to get it, can I? I am glad you agree. Just imagine it, readers. A jewel that when held obliterates any hopes or dreams for the guy holding it.
Don't like the right wing radio personality who hopes our country will one day revert back to 'The Old Days'? Just walk up to him and say, "Here. Hold this a second." Now he hopes for nothing.
Feel like winning a game of Hot Potato? Replace the potato with the No-Hope Diamond. Each and every opponent will hold it passively at great lengths losing any hope to win and thusly making you the Grand Champion.
When learning of my quest, many have told me that to take away someones hope when it is all they have left is an evil thing to do. I agree. But what if it is not the only thing they have left? What if they also have a ham sandwich? Or a nice pair of slacks? Are you still worried about them? Of course not. They are rich with sandwich and slacks. Hope is not lost(until I take it away, of course. Then it most certainly is.).
Perhaps you are a young adult and tire of your parents constant disapproval over your life choices(personally I found your plan to go into Musket Repair both impressive and impractical). Well, why not ask your folks to grasp "a shiny rock you found" and see if they judge you after that.
Maybe you're a filmmaker who fears critique. Or a chef who fears your customers functioning tastebuds. Maybe you're a writer who could go the rest of your life without hearing someone preach to you about grammar and spelling mistakes,,(all tho; yoU rally shoood werk on that)....<
Hand these interlopers the No-Hope Diamond. Now you may be thinking, 'That's all well and good, Sir. But I don't have it.'
Which brings us back to my mission. Once I acquire this most hopeless of treasures, I will rent it out to the highest bidder. You just have to admit that I have what you need. And then give me a wheelbarrow full of cash(If you do not have a wheelbarrow I can rent you one of those, too).
I don't know how I will ever find the Diamond exactly. Nor do I know for certain that it exists. But perhaps in lieu of a real Indy-like adventure I could simply put out a want ad(or a hope ad if you prefer). I see no reason why I should have to crawl around with snakes.
What it all comes down to is this: Search for whatever you want in life. Jewels, snakes, slacks, etc. Don't worry about if others share your perverse desires. And if all you do is hope for your dreams to come true without ever working towards your goal, well, do me a favor.
I need you to hold something for a second.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
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