PAVEMENT

I called this company that does driveways and whatnot. Well, not as much whatnot as driveways. But a fair amount of both I gather. The results of the call pleased me and I think you may enjoy it as well. The lady I spoke to was dying to get off the phone with me but, to my credit, I kept her on and took the conversation to some strange places.

'Yesterday's Crossdressing Fiasco.'

      Standing in line at the grocery store, I mourned the line I had chosen. The one to my right was moving at a fevered pace, food items being thrown into bags like hand grenades. Meanwhile, my line was glacially pulling forward towards the Ship it wanted to destroy (me), whose steel hide would prove no match for the oncoming iceberg known as slow customer service. I found myself wondering why ships are often referred to as 'She' when they are not 'She' but rather, a damn boat, when I heard, "Young man, why are you wearing ladies shoes?"

         I looked down instinctively and thought 'Am I' even though, I knew I had put on an old pair of Chucks.
See, at times I do wear what is thought of as 'womens clothing' although I have never seen any genitalia on the garments and so I have always considered clothing to be genderless, like a ham, a chair, or as I said before, a boat(admittedly, a ham used to have genitals but no more as they are mighty tasty around Christmas). Then, I saw that the person who asked the question was an old lady in front of me in line and that she had said it to a young guy of 18 or 19. He was dressed as your average layabout grunge kid would in the early 90s only he had on an enormous pair of high heels. I was thinking they looked expensive but the old lady in front of me was just confused as to why he would put these shoes on.
       The boy, who was accompanied by a male friend, shouted back, "Because I can!"
       He was lucky, I thought, that her eyes were not guns, because if they had been, the reaction they gave to his answer would certainly have pulled the trigger on each. The boy's answer was given loudly and for a second I even thought he was being rude. Well, maybe a millisecond. Because then, I thought about it. Analyzed it.
      We all wanna say, "Oh, let her off the hook! She's old!" How old exactly? I don't know. But,  looking at her I would wager around 80. Which means she can recall a time when pants, for example, were just for men. Now guess what she was wearing. PANTS!!!
       I said 'Good for you' to the boys, who in turn, said 'Thanks.'
       Then, I heard the cashier say to the old lady, "There's no reason to be so fucking rude!"
       "I didn't think I was being rude," the old lady said.
       "No, not you," the cashier continued,"those gay boys. I mean, I know God loves them, too, but they're the ones dressed like that.'
       I had to speak up.
      "Ladies, you both are wearing pants."
      "So? What's wrong with that?"
      "Not a thing. But, pants were originally intended for men. So, in turn, there is nothing wrong with a man wearing shoes intended for women. It is only consistent."
       Both women rolled their eyes at me.
       "Okay, you can roll your eyes if you want but, it doesn't qualify as a genuine comeback. It is just something people do when they lack the foundation for an intelligent argument."
       They ignored me and I let it go.
       The boys were leaving and shouted "Bye Haters" in an intentionally gay tone. They sounded like southern belles saying 'Yoo Hoo' to a barebacked horseshoer.
       But just then, the cashier yelled, "Wear a dress next time!"
       This made me angry for 2 reasons.
       #1. It was said in a tone of hatred. She sounded something not unlike Lex Luthor promising Superman "will pay for his do-gooder theatrics" which proved her to indeed be a hater.
       #2. It didn't make sense as an insult since the boy would most likely have no problem with wearing a dress and would not be offended at the concept. Imagine that you are angry at an Ice Cream Man who liked his job. Screaming 'Go sell a waffle cone' would not be the best way to hurt his feelings, now, would it?
No, of course not.
       Just the same, I informed a manager that the cashier was yelling at customers. A strange business model if there ever was one. I don't think we should let such hateful thinking go unchecked in modern society.
       Then, I finally checked out and walked to my car. I thought about how fast some right wingers will turn to quick bursts of  anger and hate before a shred of thought pops into their head.
      The line on the left moves slower but with a precision and clarity that is much healthier.
                                         

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

"The Negotiation of a Curb Approaching October." (a poem for my son)

He lifts his foot to the curb as though it is a wrecking ball,
Trying to kiss a paper plate balancing on an upright toothpick.
It is like King Kong is nervous to reach the top of the Empire State Building (for he knows about the planes).
Only the planes don't come.
And we are laughing.
Though nothing is funny.
We want to cry.
Though nothing is sad.
And the sin of pride becomes a beautiful thing.
At the top of the Empire State Building.
Where King Kong is two.
Where his fathers heart swells when his son can step up onto the curb.
All by himself.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

Renting The Rain

         I made a phone call to a place that makes overhead sprinklers while feigning confusion as to the function of their business model. Check it out if you like.

'The Immaturity of Spell Check'

So, if you read that last piece (the Eisner -winning 'The Floating Beard') you may have noticed the word 'immature' was typed in it.
At first, when I typed it I was going too fast and accidentally put only one 'M'.
So, spell check, in it's infinite wisdom, suggested I wanted to put the word 'Mature' even though, I typed 'imature'.
Close, right? WRONG. These two words happen to be polar opposites. Battling for supremacy. The mature and the immature want nothing to do with one another.
It is like I was typing 'Salma Hayek' and spell check assumes what I meant was 'Carol Channing' or 'Pick-up truck' or 'Large Salmon'.....all things I have decided are the opposite of actress Salma Hayek.
Wrong again, computer. And how ashamed you must be.

written by tony santiago, all rights reserved

'The Floating Beard'

Imagine, if you will, a disembodied beard........somehow it is intact and floating towards you. Somehow...somehow it is staring into your eyes, though it has none. It knows you....you can't place where you may have met this hovering beard. In another life perhaps?
Now imagine it is getting closer....and closer. Just then, the beard begins screaming "Do you find me attractive?!?" in a terrifying screechy voice.
You're beginning to question the universe.

Now stop imagining that.
It's stupid. You're being very immature.
Really? A floating beard? Questioning the universe?
Who the Hell do you think you are?

.........written by tony santiago, all right reserved

"Tooting My Horn"(a tribute to modesty)

          One should never toot their own horn but, rather, let someone else place their mouth on one's respective horn and toot the crap out of it themselves. This is what people call "Modesty." And I have it in spades. I absolutely adore how amazingly modest I am and you all should, too.
          Just think about it. I have not brought up how many times I have been published (many) or how unbelievably good I smell after a shower (it is quite extraordinary). I have not once mentioned the countless times I have been lauded for my charity work (3 times) or the way my pants hug my buttocks just tight enough to give the ladies an idea of the both full and compact majesty on which I sit and yet, just loose enough to say "This man is not a male bimbo. And I should know. Because I am his pants."
         You see, arrogance is an awful trait. This is why I never write about the many awards in the arts I have received or the vast collection of famous friends I have gained over the years (I'm thinking of you, Larry Storch). No sir. It would just be unseemly. No one wants to hear about the afternoons spent canoodling with movie stars, supermodels and heads of state(canoodling still means eating noodles in a canoe with someone, right?). They want modesty. There is nothing the public despises more than an egotist. Can you believe an egotist likes himself so much that he does not aspire to be like me? It is true.
         You may have trouble swallowing this but there are many people (and I use that term loosely) who don't want to be as modest as I. Sad facts such as these is why I let the rest of you toot my horn. But please toot harder and faster. Thank you.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved