"Tooting My Horn"(a tribute to modesty)

          One should never toot their own horn but, rather, let someone else place their mouth on one's respective horn and toot the crap out of it themselves. This is what people call "Modesty." And I have it in spades. I absolutely adore how amazingly modest I am and you all should, too.
          Just think about it. I have not brought up how many times I have been published (many) or how unbelievably good I smell after a shower (it is quite extraordinary). I have not once mentioned the countless times I have been lauded for my charity work (3 times) or the way my pants hug my buttocks just tight enough to give the ladies an idea of the both full and compact majesty on which I sit and yet, just loose enough to say "This man is not a male bimbo. And I should know. Because I am his pants."
         You see, arrogance is an awful trait. This is why I never write about the many awards in the arts I have received or the vast collection of famous friends I have gained over the years (I'm thinking of you, Larry Storch). No sir. It would just be unseemly. No one wants to hear about the afternoons spent canoodling with movie stars, supermodels and heads of state(canoodling still means eating noodles in a canoe with someone, right?). They want modesty. There is nothing the public despises more than an egotist. Can you believe an egotist likes himself so much that he does not aspire to be like me? It is true.
         You may have trouble swallowing this but there are many people (and I use that term loosely) who don't want to be as modest as I. Sad facts such as these is why I let the rest of you toot my horn. But please toot harder and faster. Thank you.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved