I usually don't write the kind of blog entry where I update you on the latest things in my life (let me know if you'd like me to change that). I usually write funny or strange things meant for entertainment. If this is your first time acquainting yourself with BansheeMilk, I'll give you a quick rundown of who I am. My name is Tony and I like making things. I draw things that pop into my head if they amuse me or are interesting to me in some way. I couldn't log back onto this blog for over a year but after what seems like an eternity, it is back! I also have another blog on Tumblr now and BansheeMilk is a presence on Facebook & Twitter as well. I hope you all will join me over there in addition to here!
I promise to make the next entry more interesting than this one. Bear with me as I am spinning many plates right now and all of them have copious amounts of easy to spill food on them.
-Tony
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Humans
Humans. You might say, "Oh, those are those awesome creatures that invented Cheesecake, right?"
Yes. But they also made the Chia Pet, the fanny pack and a wide range of underwhelming ghost movies. I knew some humans back in my day. They were always made of meat and farted in the morning.
Some looked real sexy and then spoke fondly of reality television making your penis soft immediately. Some would claim that other humans thought themselves "All that and a bag of chips" which was really selling their species short. As bad as they are, I have never encountered even one human who thought that maybe they were, indeed, a bag of chips be it potato, tortilla or any variety. It is hard to like a species who lies and claims that many of their kind look into a mirror and mistake themselves for a crispy snack. Most humans are bag shaped, yes, but this is not proof of one's chiphood.
Heh. I pity these Earth creatures. Far too many of them watch a movie and shout at the characters as though they can hear them. Far too many humans bake a cake and take it to their neighbors house, as though the neighbors are really going to eat it when, in reality, they think to themselves, "I don't know you and I don't want your stranger cake. It could be riddled with poisonous berries and diarrhea suprise."
Many humans make excuses for the loathsome Peach simply because it tastes good. Hairy Fruit is at least as disturbing a thought as people made of chips. Humans praise themselves for fitting in. You want to fit in with a species that beats their children? Children are tiny cute people with propellors on their hats and bubble gum shampoo. Fuck you! Human adults are the problem. They get on a stage or behind a potium and say 'Vote for me...I am like you'....Well, if you are like me why don't I vote for myself? That way I will get your paycheck and sleep with your wife.
Pitiful humans with their saggy pants cuz they want to look like they pooped. Some humans claim to be cowboys even though those disappeared over a hundred years ago. Why not claim to be an ancient Samurai in feudal Japan? Or a dinosaur? Some humans think dinosaurs and humans used to ride a bicycle built for two. Some believe there was once a zombie carpenter named Jesus who walked on water and with all these powers his only concern was to stop gay people getting married. You know who else multiplies fish? Fish!! And nobody calls them the son of God. Humans...inventors of the unicycle & Tom Cruise. Humans.....inventors of the unibrow & non-alcoholic booze. Humans say they believe in freedom of religion and then limit the rights of the ones they don't believe in. Humans.....enslave a race of people and get angry when one becomes President. Humans....steal a country from people and then get mad when they wanna come back in. Humans....they say they want something different and then watch the same old TV shows, read the same old books, and never try to look at things in a way that frightens them.
Humans.....we could do better.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Yes. But they also made the Chia Pet, the fanny pack and a wide range of underwhelming ghost movies. I knew some humans back in my day. They were always made of meat and farted in the morning.
Some looked real sexy and then spoke fondly of reality television making your penis soft immediately. Some would claim that other humans thought themselves "All that and a bag of chips" which was really selling their species short. As bad as they are, I have never encountered even one human who thought that maybe they were, indeed, a bag of chips be it potato, tortilla or any variety. It is hard to like a species who lies and claims that many of their kind look into a mirror and mistake themselves for a crispy snack. Most humans are bag shaped, yes, but this is not proof of one's chiphood.
Heh. I pity these Earth creatures. Far too many of them watch a movie and shout at the characters as though they can hear them. Far too many humans bake a cake and take it to their neighbors house, as though the neighbors are really going to eat it when, in reality, they think to themselves, "I don't know you and I don't want your stranger cake. It could be riddled with poisonous berries and diarrhea suprise."
Many humans make excuses for the loathsome Peach simply because it tastes good. Hairy Fruit is at least as disturbing a thought as people made of chips. Humans praise themselves for fitting in. You want to fit in with a species that beats their children? Children are tiny cute people with propellors on their hats and bubble gum shampoo. Fuck you! Human adults are the problem. They get on a stage or behind a potium and say 'Vote for me...I am like you'....Well, if you are like me why don't I vote for myself? That way I will get your paycheck and sleep with your wife.
Pitiful humans with their saggy pants cuz they want to look like they pooped. Some humans claim to be cowboys even though those disappeared over a hundred years ago. Why not claim to be an ancient Samurai in feudal Japan? Or a dinosaur? Some humans think dinosaurs and humans used to ride a bicycle built for two. Some believe there was once a zombie carpenter named Jesus who walked on water and with all these powers his only concern was to stop gay people getting married. You know who else multiplies fish? Fish!! And nobody calls them the son of God. Humans...inventors of the unicycle & Tom Cruise. Humans.....inventors of the unibrow & non-alcoholic booze. Humans say they believe in freedom of religion and then limit the rights of the ones they don't believe in. Humans.....enslave a race of people and get angry when one becomes President. Humans....steal a country from people and then get mad when they wanna come back in. Humans....they say they want something different and then watch the same old TV shows, read the same old books, and never try to look at things in a way that frightens them.
Humans.....we could do better.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tony's Football Feelings
As a little boy, I used to tie a blanket to my neck and pretend I was Superman. I may have been running around my parents living room but, in my head I was flying at super sonic speed and ready to fight giant monsters attacking the Earth. Many boys liked playing like this. Or we would enjoy playing football outside with our friends. Some kids even liked watching it.
I do not like watching football. When I say this to other men they often think they heard something else like "I am gay" or "I like to suck on large, gay penises". American men really freak out when another man doesn't enjoy watching a game. Now, let me point out that I actually do like football. I like playing the sport called football. I like the ball called football. I even like a simple game of catch using a football. I just don't like watching others do it as much as I like doing it myself. Some people think I don't enjoy it because I don't understand it. Not true. I could explain the rules to you in vivid detail.
"But why are you a commie, Tony" you just said to yourself. Here's the deal, folks. I am not here to convert you to my way of thinking. I don't wanna change your mind, I just wanna shake your hand. Just be man enough (or woman enough) to hear me out, okay?
I think the games are too long. They usually have commercials and there's usually a dumb commentator talking throughout. If you are saying to yourself "Well, just turn the volume down" allow me to say this: There is no TV good enough for me to watch with the volume down. If I want silent entertainment I turn to books.
Usually when I have the oppurtunity to watch a game, other men are around. I love my fellow man, but when guys watch football they act really weird to me. Many of you shout to the players as though they can hear you, your voices get louder, yes, louder and most football fans say "We won" or "We lost" when talking about a game they watched. These facts prove that most fans are living vicariously through the players and wish they were them. Why else would they subconsciously expect to be heard through the TV if they are not, in fact, pretending like a child that they are in the game? Why else would they include themselves in a victory they had nothing to do with? This makes most fans so annoying and the worst part is these are often the type of guys who laugh at a nerd who dresses up as Batman at a comic convention. While I, myself, have never been passionate enough as a fan to dress up like the thing I was going to see, at least those nerds who do it, OWN their nerdiness like adults. Football fans sometimes do the same thing, painting their face & chest with their teams colors only they act as thought they are NOT being nerdy when, in fact, they are and it is okay. I see nothing wrong with either group of people dressing up and having a good time. So it is the shame & insecurity football fans carry with them I find so utterly stupid. It's not like big jocks are picked on much. Why are they so frightened? I don't know. Perhaps they fear we will figure out that their hobbies are all about pretending, no different than a gamer or a D&D Dungeon Master, the only difference, perhaps, being the gamer or Role Playing guy may have been the object of ridicule & scorn growing up. Yet, nerds own the fact that they like to play pretend and wanna-be jocks do not but, rather are often (not always) the ones who taunt others for being a dork. To those of you who love watching football, I see nothing wrong with your choice of entertainment as long as you admit you are a dork about it. I submit to you that just as Porn is there to help a person "Pretend" with themselves if they are in a dry spell, football is there for people to "Pretend" who would not stand a chance in the NFL.
As I said, I'd rather do it myself than watch. Same thing with Porn. If there is no other option, I'll take it. But real sex is better. Pretend is never as good as for real. I mean, I just saw someone say "I'm a Cardinal" and they are not. They're a Cardinals fan. Just like I like Batman. Much to my chagrin, I am not Batman. But I admit it. Whenever I am at a party or some social function and guys ask what team I root for, I have to tell them that I don't like football and trust me, they are mean. They condescend with statements like, "You just don't get it." Really? Oh, I see. So, I'm dumb, but you, the plumber with the pizza sauce on his shirt who occasionally screams "Go...Go...GO!!!" at the TV is a genius.
Maybe you're right. Of course I have never met a fan who can explain why they love the team they love. My dad loves the 49ers for example. His reason? Because he is from San Francisco. This is strange to me because the players are not from there. They are drafted from all over and for the right price the team will move to a different town just as the Oakland Raiders moved to Los Angeles for a time. Another reason I often hear is, "Well, I like the colors." For a group of people who champion manly things, this is the most Avon-y reason to like a football team. Some guys say they picked their favorite team because they were raised on it. Something like, "Well, my dad loved them so I do, too." This reason only makes sense if this fan also has sex with their mom because that is another things dads do. Just because your dad likes something doesn't mean you have to. My dad, for example, likes the movie 'Air Force One'.
That being said, I know about 10 guys (my dad included) whom I really love and they enjoy watching a good game of football. What's wrong with that? Not a damned thing. So, I often wonder if perhaps something really great and personal happened to them when watching a game. Something like they met the girl of their dreams during their first football game, or their dad told them he loved them for the first time. It just doesn't make sense to me to want to see more than one game as each game has the same characteristics, throwing, running and catching with the occasional kicking thrown in for good measure. It's not like the story changes and "This time they gotta beat the team that killed their grandparents" or "If he catches the ball this time it will eliminate racism."
Perhaps one day I will have an epiphany and love the experience of watching other people play a game. Maybe I will stop thinking the only thing that makes the Superbowl unique from other football games is more expensive ads and a glossy halftime show. Perhaps I will hear a guy say "We got the big W" and stop getting mad at the fact that abbreviating the word 'Win' to the letter 'W' doesn't actually work seeing as how the letter 'W' has more syllables and takes longer to say than the word 'Win'. Maybe all of this will change in me and I will sit beside my buddies on the couch or in a sports bar and tell the people on the TV to "Catch it" or "Hit him". Or maybe one day, men will become okay with their feelings and fess up.
That really they are pretending they are out there on the field scoring the winning touchdown and having a great time doing it.
written by Tony Santiago, All rights reserved.
I do not like watching football. When I say this to other men they often think they heard something else like "I am gay" or "I like to suck on large, gay penises". American men really freak out when another man doesn't enjoy watching a game. Now, let me point out that I actually do like football. I like playing the sport called football. I like the ball called football. I even like a simple game of catch using a football. I just don't like watching others do it as much as I like doing it myself. Some people think I don't enjoy it because I don't understand it. Not true. I could explain the rules to you in vivid detail.
"But why are you a commie, Tony" you just said to yourself. Here's the deal, folks. I am not here to convert you to my way of thinking. I don't wanna change your mind, I just wanna shake your hand. Just be man enough (or woman enough) to hear me out, okay?
I think the games are too long. They usually have commercials and there's usually a dumb commentator talking throughout. If you are saying to yourself "Well, just turn the volume down" allow me to say this: There is no TV good enough for me to watch with the volume down. If I want silent entertainment I turn to books.
Usually when I have the oppurtunity to watch a game, other men are around. I love my fellow man, but when guys watch football they act really weird to me. Many of you shout to the players as though they can hear you, your voices get louder, yes, louder and most football fans say "We won" or "We lost" when talking about a game they watched. These facts prove that most fans are living vicariously through the players and wish they were them. Why else would they subconsciously expect to be heard through the TV if they are not, in fact, pretending like a child that they are in the game? Why else would they include themselves in a victory they had nothing to do with? This makes most fans so annoying and the worst part is these are often the type of guys who laugh at a nerd who dresses up as Batman at a comic convention. While I, myself, have never been passionate enough as a fan to dress up like the thing I was going to see, at least those nerds who do it, OWN their nerdiness like adults. Football fans sometimes do the same thing, painting their face & chest with their teams colors only they act as thought they are NOT being nerdy when, in fact, they are and it is okay. I see nothing wrong with either group of people dressing up and having a good time. So it is the shame & insecurity football fans carry with them I find so utterly stupid. It's not like big jocks are picked on much. Why are they so frightened? I don't know. Perhaps they fear we will figure out that their hobbies are all about pretending, no different than a gamer or a D&D Dungeon Master, the only difference, perhaps, being the gamer or Role Playing guy may have been the object of ridicule & scorn growing up. Yet, nerds own the fact that they like to play pretend and wanna-be jocks do not but, rather are often (not always) the ones who taunt others for being a dork. To those of you who love watching football, I see nothing wrong with your choice of entertainment as long as you admit you are a dork about it. I submit to you that just as Porn is there to help a person "Pretend" with themselves if they are in a dry spell, football is there for people to "Pretend" who would not stand a chance in the NFL.
As I said, I'd rather do it myself than watch. Same thing with Porn. If there is no other option, I'll take it. But real sex is better. Pretend is never as good as for real. I mean, I just saw someone say "I'm a Cardinal" and they are not. They're a Cardinals fan. Just like I like Batman. Much to my chagrin, I am not Batman. But I admit it. Whenever I am at a party or some social function and guys ask what team I root for, I have to tell them that I don't like football and trust me, they are mean. They condescend with statements like, "You just don't get it." Really? Oh, I see. So, I'm dumb, but you, the plumber with the pizza sauce on his shirt who occasionally screams "Go...Go...GO!!!" at the TV is a genius.
Maybe you're right. Of course I have never met a fan who can explain why they love the team they love. My dad loves the 49ers for example. His reason? Because he is from San Francisco. This is strange to me because the players are not from there. They are drafted from all over and for the right price the team will move to a different town just as the Oakland Raiders moved to Los Angeles for a time. Another reason I often hear is, "Well, I like the colors." For a group of people who champion manly things, this is the most Avon-y reason to like a football team. Some guys say they picked their favorite team because they were raised on it. Something like, "Well, my dad loved them so I do, too." This reason only makes sense if this fan also has sex with their mom because that is another things dads do. Just because your dad likes something doesn't mean you have to. My dad, for example, likes the movie 'Air Force One'.
That being said, I know about 10 guys (my dad included) whom I really love and they enjoy watching a good game of football. What's wrong with that? Not a damned thing. So, I often wonder if perhaps something really great and personal happened to them when watching a game. Something like they met the girl of their dreams during their first football game, or their dad told them he loved them for the first time. It just doesn't make sense to me to want to see more than one game as each game has the same characteristics, throwing, running and catching with the occasional kicking thrown in for good measure. It's not like the story changes and "This time they gotta beat the team that killed their grandparents" or "If he catches the ball this time it will eliminate racism."
Perhaps one day I will have an epiphany and love the experience of watching other people play a game. Maybe I will stop thinking the only thing that makes the Superbowl unique from other football games is more expensive ads and a glossy halftime show. Perhaps I will hear a guy say "We got the big W" and stop getting mad at the fact that abbreviating the word 'Win' to the letter 'W' doesn't actually work seeing as how the letter 'W' has more syllables and takes longer to say than the word 'Win'. Maybe all of this will change in me and I will sit beside my buddies on the couch or in a sports bar and tell the people on the TV to "Catch it" or "Hit him". Or maybe one day, men will become okay with their feelings and fess up.
That really they are pretending they are out there on the field scoring the winning touchdown and having a great time doing it.
written by Tony Santiago, All rights reserved.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
My Superbowl Commercial
The Super Bowl asked me to do an ad for The Super Bowl. Then they asked me to never do it again. (satire)
Friday, January 27, 2012
If At First You Don't Succeed...........
..........tell Princess Leia she is your sister, that way she doesn't get all cocky thinking she rejected you for another man. Works every time.
..........get back in the Delorian, head to your young teen friends house and scream, "It's your kids, Marty! Something's gotta be done about your kids!!"
..........surgically remove it and call yourself 'Janet'. It's a reasonable name.
..........yell, "Meka Leka Hi Meka Hidy Ho" and then watch as a disembodied head in a box says, "The wish is granted, Long Live Jambi."
..........add a bunch of shots of Vader going 'NOOOoooo' until you've really pissed off your fans.
..........tell Lassie to "Run Home, Girl, tell everyone I fucked up again."
..........go back to Vietnam to "take pictures of POWs"...and by "take pictures of POWs", I mean kill the shit out of everyone.
..........try using the Premium gas. Unleaded alone will not make a Tardis "Just Go Already."
..........try dressing up as J Edgar Hoover. Maybe all this ultra seriousness will make up for your complete lack of personality.
..........blame it all on Ricky Gervais. "Yeah, I know as an actor I am supposed to do good work and entertain people but, it doesn't change the fact that a comedian made a joke about me....boo hoo."
..........have a big thing stab Wash in the chest. Poor dude is trying to put her in park and then "Blam! You're stabbed."
..........use weird procedures to get pregnant so you can have 25 kids all at once or something. That way, you make so many people, population goes up, world gets more expensive and now some places want 2 dollars for a taco. Thanks for that.
..........tattoo 'THUG LIFE' on your fingers.
..........vow to avenge your parents and go put on a fucking Bat Suit like a real man.
..........try, try again. Unless what you're trying at is another holocaust. Cuz that shit is not cool.
..........stare at the fucking picture long enough that your eyeballs get all twisty and maybe you see a stupid picture. OR just skip that and go look at a real painting.
...written by Tony Santiago, SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, all rights reserved
..........get back in the Delorian, head to your young teen friends house and scream, "It's your kids, Marty! Something's gotta be done about your kids!!"
..........surgically remove it and call yourself 'Janet'. It's a reasonable name.
..........yell, "Meka Leka Hi Meka Hidy Ho" and then watch as a disembodied head in a box says, "The wish is granted, Long Live Jambi."
..........add a bunch of shots of Vader going 'NOOOoooo' until you've really pissed off your fans.
..........tell Lassie to "Run Home, Girl, tell everyone I fucked up again."
..........go back to Vietnam to "take pictures of POWs"...and by "take pictures of POWs", I mean kill the shit out of everyone.
..........try using the Premium gas. Unleaded alone will not make a Tardis "Just Go Already."
..........try dressing up as J Edgar Hoover. Maybe all this ultra seriousness will make up for your complete lack of personality.
..........blame it all on Ricky Gervais. "Yeah, I know as an actor I am supposed to do good work and entertain people but, it doesn't change the fact that a comedian made a joke about me....boo hoo."
..........have a big thing stab Wash in the chest. Poor dude is trying to put her in park and then "Blam! You're stabbed."
..........use weird procedures to get pregnant so you can have 25 kids all at once or something. That way, you make so many people, population goes up, world gets more expensive and now some places want 2 dollars for a taco. Thanks for that.
..........tattoo 'THUG LIFE' on your fingers.
..........vow to avenge your parents and go put on a fucking Bat Suit like a real man.
..........try, try again. Unless what you're trying at is another holocaust. Cuz that shit is not cool.
..........stare at the fucking picture long enough that your eyeballs get all twisty and maybe you see a stupid picture. OR just skip that and go look at a real painting.
...written by Tony Santiago, SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, all rights reserved
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
EYEBROW DANCE PARODY
This is my Eyebrow Dance Parody. When I saw that little girl get millions of views on YouTube for wiggling her eyebrows to the beat I thought, "I've been doing that my whole life" but I also have a weird tendency to wiggle my ears, nostrils, scalp and lips. Please watch, share this and SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube Channel, BansheeMilk.
all rights reserved.
all rights reserved.
"Where Are The Yellowheads?"
Redheads are called redheads because they have red hair. Makes sense. But blondes are not called Yellowheads. Brunettes are not called Brownheads or Blackheads. Blackheads is a term used for a specific type of pimple instead. But if the English language was logical we would refer to brunettes that way.
Bomb, Tomb and Comb are spelled identically aside from their first letter and yet they do not rhyme. And a silent 'B' at the end of each one? Why? Had these words originally been spelled 'Bom, Toom and Come' would anyone complain? Come is pronounced Cum even though it looks like it would be pronounced like comb which is spelled like it would sound like Com-Bee. And this is the language we demand people to learn?
Don't get me wrong, I think the guy in the Lotaburger Drive-Thru should have known what I meant when I said I wanted a Cheeseburger recently, but not everyone needs to learn English, a language that for all of it's good aspects also sucks in many ways as I just proved at the beginning. And why do we demand immigrants speak two languages when it is a skill so few Americans possess?
Almost everyone my age in France apparently speaks both French and English. Meanwhile, In America we get confused if Prince changes his name into a symbol. "How do I say that word?" "It's not a word, pal."
Many Americans are idiots. It is not "Anti-American" to say so anymore than it is anti-movie to say some of the movies you have seen in your life were bad. You've heard a song that was stupid, right? Does admitting that mean you are against ALL songs? No. Many Americans just happen to be stupid. Why is that? Is this because many of us are Yellowheads? No, I think we are simply too trusting. In a country so faith based, where so many of us believe in things despite their lack of imperical evidence, how can we be expected to question things? My own mom hates that I question everything.
"Some things just are the way they are!"she says. Actually this is not true. Even when we do not know the reason some thing is the way it is, there is a reason.Nothing is "Because it is".
And when I talk about this lack of questioning, I'm not just referring to religious folks. We have blind faith in our teachers, cops, doctors, firemen, priests and scientists. We trust them as though we know what each and every one went through to get where they are.
Yet, I, as a kid who got shitty grades growing up, convinced all my teachers as a junior in High School that it would be best if they let me make a film rather than doschool work and use all the other students as the cast so we could all learn "what it is to create."
As an adult, I actually think I was onto something but at the time I was just conning my school so I wouldn't have to do the work. (Nobody had to do school work for a few weeks).What does that tell you? It means that I, Tony, as a 16 year old boy, was too smart for my teachers OR worse, that they all knew what I was up to and were too lazy to do anything about it. So while good teachers exist, assuming most of them are great is a bit silly.
We distinguish street smarts from book smarts often subtly implying that book smarts is the way to go. Maybe. Depends on what book you are reading. Maybe you read dumb books. Street smarts isn't simply knowing how to throw a right hook. It can be sizing someone up, deciding for yourself at a young age if someone is being honest with you or if they're full of it. If you started attaining street smarts at age 8, aren't you 12 years ahead of the person who started at 20?
Books did not teach me how to be funny, be a dad or make love (3 things I value).
That being said, a recent poll I read (in a book) explained that most Americans cannot tell you who their favorite poet is OR they just blindly answer Shakespeare (a playwright) or Maya Angelou without knowing either of their work.
Don't get me wrong, one is not obligated to enjoy poetry. But it is nice to read some of the greats and then afterwards decide if you like them or not rather than prejudging it. So, yes, books are incredibly useful to a person who wants to be smarter.
There is a creepy "Anti-Book" trend going on right now. Sitcoms are filled with husbands and fathers who hate reading. Ever notice that? President Bush used to brag about how he wasn't a book learner. Books may not do everything for us, but they are essential.
The question I would like to pose to you is this: Before books or street smarts what did you have as a little toddler? Questions. You had questions. They are the #1 most vital element to not growing up to be a dumbass. Right now, you might be asking a question like,
"Why is Tony going back and forth?
Is he as bewildering as trying to find out his nation of origin? What the Hell is he anyway?"
Or you might be asking if I am a natural Yellowhead.
No. That was for a movie. However, I was born a Yellowhead and then in time turned into a dark brownhead or even a blackhead when my hair is wet.
I think I was around 2 years old when it changed for "no reason".
I'll ask my mom.
She loves questions.
written by Tony Santiago, please share this on Twitter or Facebook or whatever.
Bomb, Tomb and Comb are spelled identically aside from their first letter and yet they do not rhyme. And a silent 'B' at the end of each one? Why? Had these words originally been spelled 'Bom, Toom and Come' would anyone complain? Come is pronounced Cum even though it looks like it would be pronounced like comb which is spelled like it would sound like Com-Bee. And this is the language we demand people to learn?
Don't get me wrong, I think the guy in the Lotaburger Drive-Thru should have known what I meant when I said I wanted a Cheeseburger recently, but not everyone needs to learn English, a language that for all of it's good aspects also sucks in many ways as I just proved at the beginning. And why do we demand immigrants speak two languages when it is a skill so few Americans possess?
Almost everyone my age in France apparently speaks both French and English. Meanwhile, In America we get confused if Prince changes his name into a symbol. "How do I say that word?" "It's not a word, pal."
Many Americans are idiots. It is not "Anti-American" to say so anymore than it is anti-movie to say some of the movies you have seen in your life were bad. You've heard a song that was stupid, right? Does admitting that mean you are against ALL songs? No. Many Americans just happen to be stupid. Why is that? Is this because many of us are Yellowheads? No, I think we are simply too trusting. In a country so faith based, where so many of us believe in things despite their lack of imperical evidence, how can we be expected to question things? My own mom hates that I question everything.
"Some things just are the way they are!"she says. Actually this is not true. Even when we do not know the reason some thing is the way it is, there is a reason.Nothing is "Because it is".
And when I talk about this lack of questioning, I'm not just referring to religious folks. We have blind faith in our teachers, cops, doctors, firemen, priests and scientists. We trust them as though we know what each and every one went through to get where they are.
Yet, I, as a kid who got shitty grades growing up, convinced all my teachers as a junior in High School that it would be best if they let me make a film rather than doschool work and use all the other students as the cast so we could all learn "what it is to create."
As an adult, I actually think I was onto something but at the time I was just conning my school so I wouldn't have to do the work. (Nobody had to do school work for a few weeks).What does that tell you? It means that I, Tony, as a 16 year old boy, was too smart for my teachers OR worse, that they all knew what I was up to and were too lazy to do anything about it. So while good teachers exist, assuming most of them are great is a bit silly.
We distinguish street smarts from book smarts often subtly implying that book smarts is the way to go. Maybe. Depends on what book you are reading. Maybe you read dumb books. Street smarts isn't simply knowing how to throw a right hook. It can be sizing someone up, deciding for yourself at a young age if someone is being honest with you or if they're full of it. If you started attaining street smarts at age 8, aren't you 12 years ahead of the person who started at 20?
Books did not teach me how to be funny, be a dad or make love (3 things I value).
That being said, a recent poll I read (in a book) explained that most Americans cannot tell you who their favorite poet is OR they just blindly answer Shakespeare (a playwright) or Maya Angelou without knowing either of their work.
Don't get me wrong, one is not obligated to enjoy poetry. But it is nice to read some of the greats and then afterwards decide if you like them or not rather than prejudging it. So, yes, books are incredibly useful to a person who wants to be smarter.
There is a creepy "Anti-Book" trend going on right now. Sitcoms are filled with husbands and fathers who hate reading. Ever notice that? President Bush used to brag about how he wasn't a book learner. Books may not do everything for us, but they are essential.
The question I would like to pose to you is this: Before books or street smarts what did you have as a little toddler? Questions. You had questions. They are the #1 most vital element to not growing up to be a dumbass. Right now, you might be asking a question like,
"Why is Tony going back and forth?
Is he as bewildering as trying to find out his nation of origin? What the Hell is he anyway?"
Or you might be asking if I am a natural Yellowhead.
No. That was for a movie. However, I was born a Yellowhead and then in time turned into a dark brownhead or even a blackhead when my hair is wet.
I think I was around 2 years old when it changed for "no reason".
I'll ask my mom.
She loves questions.
written by Tony Santiago, please share this on Twitter or Facebook or whatever.
Friday, January 6, 2012
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION
Are you finding peoples New Years Resolution vids boring like I am? They always seem the same, huh? Here is one that is different. I tell you my resolution backwards and PROVE i can speak backwards by recording myself doing it and then playing it back in reverse so you can hear what I said. Booya.
"Try On My Shoes For A Second"
I have friends who are parents and friends who are not. Most of the friends on both sides are totally respectful and do not try to tell me how to be a father. Occasionally, some who have zero kids decide they know best. Now I'm not suggesting my friends with no kids wouldn't be good parents if and when they have kids. I'm saying until they know what they're talking about, they should consider, just maybe, eating a dick.
It is weird to feign knowledge on a subject you know nothing about and then preach to others. Like, I totally get why vegetarians make a moral argument against eating animals (it's pretty rude to the animal and I am a total dick for eating them). But sometimes Vegetarians pretend they know what the rest of us do. Example: I eat most raw vegetables. But there are many cooked veggies I don't eat because I don't like the way they taste.
Yet, I always meet some fuckin' veggie fanatic who is like "Oh, well you just haven't had them the way I make them." Lemme guess, you sautee them in a fine oil and drizzle a sauce and some seasonings on them as they sizzle to GOLDEN perfection in the pan? Guess what? I did try that. And I don't like Gold. I don't even like gold jewelery. If I wore a bunch of jewelery, which I don't do, but if i did, I would wear silver, okay? I don't like weird sauces and before you start in with the "Oh, but I put plenty of butter on mine" argument, hear me: I don't like butter very much. It is very rich, milky and sweet. I put butter on toast which I have, maybe once or twice a year and that's it. Listen, you may be a better person than me. You can think I have shitty taste, that's fine, but don't tell me that I would like them if I tried them. I did. They sucked. Have you tried Brisket? No? Shut the fuck up.
Even those of you who disagree with me, should be adult enough to see that if you've never been in the other guys shoes you shouldn't judge him. It's like when religious folks tell me I should believe in God. I did. Most agnostics and atheists were raised with religion in their life. That's a fact. Some of us leave it behind while other people stick with it. Have you taken atheism out for a spin? Have you allowed yourself to have the humility of being an agnostic? Have you been grown-up enough to say, "I don't know what is out there" ?
I was raised a Catholic. I know the prayers, the rituals, the Church, I was baptized and I had my Holy Communion. I'm not suggesting I am the world's foremost expert on these matters but I do know them as much as the average Catholic, and you know what? It doesn't work for me. Yet every now and then, some Bible Boy has to tell me I need Jesus in my life. He was in my life, pal. I kicked him out. He was hogging all of the happiness. Don't tell me what I need.
Have you driven my car? I haven't driven your car, so it stands to reason that I don't know if it has engine problems. What is inside of me is known only to me. Though, I'll give you a hint: Steak is one of them.I already told you...I'm a dick.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
It is weird to feign knowledge on a subject you know nothing about and then preach to others. Like, I totally get why vegetarians make a moral argument against eating animals (it's pretty rude to the animal and I am a total dick for eating them). But sometimes Vegetarians pretend they know what the rest of us do. Example: I eat most raw vegetables. But there are many cooked veggies I don't eat because I don't like the way they taste.
Yet, I always meet some fuckin' veggie fanatic who is like "Oh, well you just haven't had them the way I make them." Lemme guess, you sautee them in a fine oil and drizzle a sauce and some seasonings on them as they sizzle to GOLDEN perfection in the pan? Guess what? I did try that. And I don't like Gold. I don't even like gold jewelery. If I wore a bunch of jewelery, which I don't do, but if i did, I would wear silver, okay? I don't like weird sauces and before you start in with the "Oh, but I put plenty of butter on mine" argument, hear me: I don't like butter very much. It is very rich, milky and sweet. I put butter on toast which I have, maybe once or twice a year and that's it. Listen, you may be a better person than me. You can think I have shitty taste, that's fine, but don't tell me that I would like them if I tried them. I did. They sucked. Have you tried Brisket? No? Shut the fuck up.
Even those of you who disagree with me, should be adult enough to see that if you've never been in the other guys shoes you shouldn't judge him. It's like when religious folks tell me I should believe in God. I did. Most agnostics and atheists were raised with religion in their life. That's a fact. Some of us leave it behind while other people stick with it. Have you taken atheism out for a spin? Have you allowed yourself to have the humility of being an agnostic? Have you been grown-up enough to say, "I don't know what is out there" ?
I was raised a Catholic. I know the prayers, the rituals, the Church, I was baptized and I had my Holy Communion. I'm not suggesting I am the world's foremost expert on these matters but I do know them as much as the average Catholic, and you know what? It doesn't work for me. Yet every now and then, some Bible Boy has to tell me I need Jesus in my life. He was in my life, pal. I kicked him out. He was hogging all of the happiness. Don't tell me what I need.
Have you driven my car? I haven't driven your car, so it stands to reason that I don't know if it has engine problems. What is inside of me is known only to me. Though, I'll give you a hint: Steak is one of them.I already told you...I'm a dick.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Why Am I Ugly?
I woke up to a severely swollen face and it looked so funny I thought I would share it. Also, in this vid I come up with reasons I may be so deformed. It is a delight.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
'BURRITO UPDATES'
Attempting to write a blog entry while holding a baby is both strange and happening right now. I am telling you this as a sort of social experiment like Jane Goodall or Dr.Seuss. As we all know, Jane was trying to figure out the lifestyles of apes and Dr.Seuss was trying to figure out if he could exaggerate a cat's fashion sense and attention to headgear. My goal is a bit different today.
See, when I look at others peoples blogs, tweets or Facebook Statuses, they seem to share with their readers the most trivial details like "About to eat a burrito" or "This quilt seems to be coming along nicely...will keep you posted" while mine are not like this so far. This is not because I am too awesome for this. No sir. If a million people said they would read me were I to write of such things, I would fill the Net with more Burrito updates than you thought possible. In my defense, I think I would do it better, though. Surely, I would describe the burrito as a "Tortilla Bus filled to near capacity with protesters on their way to my Tummy Rally" or something like that. I would see no reason to tell you it was delicious because I trust my readers to know that just like a Gorilla who is angrily pounding at his chest in an effort to get Jane to stop writing in her Journal, "delicious" is the natural state for a burrito to be in.
So far, (and I may alter this in time), my blog has leaned toward what I am told is "very weird"or "eccentric." Really, imaginary critic? Is that your complaint? Well buckle in, you summammabitch. Cuz we're on the Tortilla Bus. Next stop: "Weirdville."
Here was my experiment: The idea was I would tell you, my 50 million readers, that I am writing this with a baby on my lap to show you that "Hey, I could update you with shit you shouldn't care about, too", so after reading about some guys growing collection of stamps, come on over here to BansheeMilk and I'll tell you what I had for breakfast. It was a burrito.And on the side? Another burrito.
Let's hope this brings my readership up another 1 million readers, making it 51 million if my math is dope. Teacher used to always bitch, "Your math is not dope enough." Well, who just wrote an awesome blog entry while the other guy was still a victim of murder, huh? Think about it, Dead Teacher, think about it.
written by Tony Santiago, and yes, all rights reserved, BUT feel free to share this on your Twitter feed, facebook page or whatever. Also go visit my YouTube channel. Stop being stupid. You know I just made you laugh and your pants are down. Finish.
See, when I look at others peoples blogs, tweets or Facebook Statuses, they seem to share with their readers the most trivial details like "About to eat a burrito" or "This quilt seems to be coming along nicely...will keep you posted" while mine are not like this so far. This is not because I am too awesome for this. No sir. If a million people said they would read me were I to write of such things, I would fill the Net with more Burrito updates than you thought possible. In my defense, I think I would do it better, though. Surely, I would describe the burrito as a "Tortilla Bus filled to near capacity with protesters on their way to my Tummy Rally" or something like that. I would see no reason to tell you it was delicious because I trust my readers to know that just like a Gorilla who is angrily pounding at his chest in an effort to get Jane to stop writing in her Journal, "delicious" is the natural state for a burrito to be in.
Here was my experiment: The idea was I would tell you, my 50 million readers, that I am writing this with a baby on my lap to show you that "Hey, I could update you with shit you shouldn't care about, too", so after reading about some guys growing collection of stamps, come on over here to BansheeMilk and I'll tell you what I had for breakfast. It was a burrito.And on the side? Another burrito.
Let's hope this brings my readership up another 1 million readers, making it 51 million if my math is dope. Teacher used to always bitch, "Your math is not dope enough." Well, who just wrote an awesome blog entry while the other guy was still a victim of murder, huh? Think about it, Dead Teacher, think about it.
written by Tony Santiago, and yes, all rights reserved, BUT feel free to share this on your Twitter feed, facebook page or whatever. Also go visit my YouTube channel. Stop being stupid. You know I just made you laugh and your pants are down. Finish.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
CHRISTMAS CAROL PARODIES
This is fun for you first timers to my channels, but it also serves as a sequel to one of my previous films for you returning BansheeMilk fans. Here we have the host of 'Paper Weights' from WrongCo advertising for a CD of Christmas Carols that nobody wants. Please observe and share. Merry Christmas. Featuring Guest Appearances by the one and only Professor Jonathan Barn.
Monday, December 26, 2011
CHRISTMAS MEMORIES GONE WRONG by Professor Jonathan Barn
Professor JONATHAN BARN treats us to a few very short and strange memories of Christmas Specials on TV. Problem is, Professor J.Barn is an avid drug user and his memories are not what they once were. This is one of my many characters that may bring you lots of laughs or just confuse you. Either way, I am happy. This is also the film adaptation of 2 Blogs ago. Enjoy. Share.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Defy/Tonight Music Video...Maxwell Powers & BansheeMilk
This is a Music Video I directed & starred in for Electro-New Wave-Pop Star Maxwell Powers. He asked that any and all entries include robots and dancing. That was the only criteria (and of course one of his songs). I chose to use his song 'Defy/Tonight' and made this video about a robot, X-5000, who wants to learn about the art of human dance. He fails to find the answer indoors so he heads out into the Winter Wonderland and tries dancing out there while communing with nature. This also fails him and he goes back inside and tries his hand at inappropriate product placement in a music video. This causes him to short circuit and a chuck of his face blows off, revealing his true inner robot and he realizes he doesn't have to be like a human to have a good time. He can just be himself and dance robot style. Check out my video and listen to Maxwell Powers.
My Favorite Christmas Memories
If I remember anything vividly from my childhood it is the Christmas Specials on TV. All of which I could easily describe to you in such perfect detail you might think my brain was a tape recorder or an elephant. There was that one TV special where Frosty the Snowman captured Luke Skywalker and hung him upside down in his cave mistaking Luke for mistletoe. Remember that show? Luke cut off Frosty's arms just when the Snowman was about to eat some meat on the bone. So cute.
That was when I started taking Prozac. Anyway, who can forget these timeless holiday classics? Like when Rudolph was discriminated against and wasn't allowed to play in any of the reindeer games because he was Jewish. I hated that part. So sad. Their noses are different, my friends, not worse.
I remember those shows so well I feel like deep inside me there is a magical machine that plays them all back in Hi-Def. Like when Grandpa made me eat that VCR.
And, of course, one of my favorites was the Charlie Brown one. Charlie was sad because Lucy and the gang stuffed Bruce Willis into an air duct with only a lighter to eat for Christmas. Very sad. Then the Grinch had a heart attack and dropped that big ol' sleigh on the entire population of Whoville, which I think was just The Who. That's how Keith Moon died if memory serves.
I watched those shows every year and the impression they left on me was indelible, inedible and unEdwardable. I remember it like it was yesterday or 1985 or some other time. Santa Claus could see me when I was sleeping. He knew when I was awake. So I felt a duty to watch all of the shows that honored his one night of employment.
Come to think of it, he is an unemployed illegal immigrant from the North Pole, huh? Breaking into our homes on the Christ Child's special day? The Republicans are gonna be pissed if that ever occurs to them.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this. Merry Christmas!!!
I remember those shows so well I feel like deep inside me there is a magical machine that plays them all back in Hi-Def. Like when Grandpa made me eat that VCR.
And, of course, one of my favorites was the Charlie Brown one. Charlie was sad because Lucy and the gang stuffed Bruce Willis into an air duct with only a lighter to eat for Christmas. Very sad. Then the Grinch had a heart attack and dropped that big ol' sleigh on the entire population of Whoville, which I think was just The Who. That's how Keith Moon died if memory serves.
I watched those shows every year and the impression they left on me was indelible, inedible and unEdwardable. I remember it like it was yesterday or 1985 or some other time. Santa Claus could see me when I was sleeping. He knew when I was awake. So I felt a duty to watch all of the shows that honored his one night of employment.
Come to think of it, he is an unemployed illegal immigrant from the North Pole, huh? Breaking into our homes on the Christ Child's special day? The Republicans are gonna be pissed if that ever occurs to them.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this. Merry Christmas!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Paper Weights
Late at night, I had seen one too many Infomercials and after seeing a legion of ridiculous products I thought, "Is there any product they wouldn't push on us?" It occurred to me, if there is one, perhaps it is the Paper Weight. I may be wrong but for now, this is what I imagine that Infomercial would be like.
written by, starring and directed by Tony Santiago
written by, starring and directed by Tony Santiago
STALLONE vs ARNOLD
When I was a kid certain things were constantly compared with one another. Prince vs Michael Jackson. Coke vs Pepsi. Stallone vs Schwartzenegger. And we were told we had to care about these trivial matters by the media everyday (granted I probably would've loved it anyway as I am a sucker for trivial matters).
Chris Rock once pointed out that the 'Prince vs Michael Jackson' debate may have been a hot-button contest back in the day but that since then, "Prince won that shit" and it is hard to argue with him on that. Never mind the fact that Prince looks great in his 50s, managed to stay alive and not have multiple child molestation charges (innocent or guilty, these cases can taint a public image). But on top of all that, Prince plays instruments, made 'Purple Rain', dates women for real (don't tell me MJ dated women privately, if JFK couldn't do it in secret, MJ couldn't either) and Prince made songs for Batman, not for Ben. Can Michael dance better? Sure. Is dancing making music? No. It is how one may respond to music while listening. Just like throwing a party and going to a party are 2 different things. Not to mention Michael's dancing, while great, I always felt was a bit over rated and here is why:
Everybody says, "Only Michael dances like that"....really? What about the 50 guys behind him in every video who are doing the exact same dance at the exact same time? Michael is the bigger Icon perhaps, yes, but keep in mind Mickey Mouse is a bigger Icon than Bugs Bunny. Now who is funnier? Bugs clearly. Mickey has always been more cute than funny. While one can disagree with me, these are measurable strengths and weaknesses which makes it very hard to argue with. That is the only point I was trying to make just now.
The Coke vs Pepsi debate is silly because it's purely based on one's taste and it is more difficult to measure with pinpoint accuracy which of these items is better. One may have to go with dumb points like 'What the masses prefer' but, for me that has never been a good standard to measure quality being that Britney Spears has outsold The Beatles in many markets.
However, in my evening of nostalgia I have come to a conclusion. And that is I believe the Stallone vs Arnold argument must be put to rest. It has been a way to get drunk guys at parties angry with one another for far too long now causing pain, ridicule, premature ejaculation and busted mouths, so I'm gonna put it to bed immediately. It is time I explain how that old battle is over like this:
1. CHARACTERS: See, Stallone has 2 Iconic characters on screen, Rocky Balboa & Rambo, as does Arnold with The Terminator & Conan the Barbarian. But did Arnold create one of his? No? Stallone did. Rocky is a Stallone original. And the first Rocky film won the Oscar for best picture. No Arnold movie has even been nominated for Best Picture. Arnold is cool but, Rocky is a true dramatic independent film on par with Taxi Driver & Pulp Fiction, only it inspires people to this day..
2. NERD CRED: Here's a fact. Not everyone wants to see the kind of Macho films Stallone & Arnold are both known for. So let's put action films aside for the moment, Stallone also hosted SNL & The Muppet Show. He has made a John Landis comedy: Oscar, a James Mangold Drama: Copland and while the movie 'Rhinestone' is not a gem, Stallone had the balls to duet with Dolly Parton in it. That takes guts. What was he gonna do? Out sing her? Not a chance. In Copland we see him share the screen with De Niro and Keitel and do they blow him off the screen as one might expect? No. He matches their acting skill, beat for beat. When Stallone is too old for Action Movies, he will still be capable of great acting. Arnold? Well, we can all hope.
3. QUOTABLE: Many will argue that with lines like "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta La Vista, Baby" that Arnold is far more quotable. Not so fast. First off, "Yo Adrian" and "I'm your worst Nightmare" are on par with those. Secondly, while they both have recited famous lines, Stallone has not only spoken them but, ALSO written many for others:
"I must break you", spoken by Drago, written by Stallone.
and, perhaps, one of the greatest, actually gave Mr.T a career. "I pity the fool", spoken by Mr.T, is a line from Rocky 3 and it is written by Stallone.Would Mr.T even be famous without "I pity the fool"?
4. MACHO STATUS: Arnold is a bigger guy, yes. But, Stallone made 'First Blood' the first Rambo film, before Arnold had ever made an Action Picture. It is considered by many film historians the first true action movie. Arnold, Chuck Norris and just about every other action star has been remaking Rambo ever since. What are movies like 'Commando', 'Missing In Action' and 'Red Scorpion' if not Rambo remakes essentially? Stallone has more stunts under his belt, is far more ripped at 65 than Arnold is at 63 and, as long as we are on the subject of Macho Status, has bedded legions of great looking starlets when Arnold was impregnating his housekeeper.
5. POWER: You know that movie, THE EXPENDABLES? Guess who called the shots. "Directed By Stallone", my friends. He told Arnold, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke and more where to stand, what to say and when to say it. Often at the same time. They bowed to his call. As all should. For if we do not, my friends, we are all doomed.
6. ARTISTIC CREDIBILITY: This was already covered a bit before, but yes, Stallone wins this one. He has opened an art exhibit of his paintings which are quite good. Written films, poetry and...um...did I mention The Muppets? Some of the directors he has collaborated with are John Huston, Robert Rodriguez, John Landis, James Mangold, and Norman Jewison. And say what you will about Judge Dredd, but the soundtrack features The Cure, The The, & Cocteau Twins, bands no other muscle-bound actor could attract.
7. LIBERAL POINT SHEET: Most Action stars do not have the balls to wear women's clothing in fear it may make them seem gay. And if they do, it tends to be in a joke-y manner like Wesley Snipes in 'Too Wong Foo' or Kurt Russell in 'Tango & Cash'. But STALLONE, a muscle-bound republican Action Star, played a character who only can succeed in catching the bad guys when he is cross dressing. Watch a movie called 'NIGHTHAWKS'. It is truly great 70s Cinema (despite being made in 1980 or so). Stallone plays Deke DeSilva, a cop who from my examination fails at everything in his life, career and marriage when he wraps himself up in the normal macho garb of the time (which meant having an awesome beard and a Rocky meets Serpico look). But whenever STALLONE crossdresses in the film, he can save the day. It is like he is Popeye and a nice evening gown is his Spinach. Okay, here is the truth. I am an uber-liberal. Yes, it is bad. I want to protect trees, whales and once in a while, even children. In my journey as a Comedian, Poet, Liberal Arts type, I have met many a Stallone Hater. Stallone and Arnold are Republicans, But Stallone is not the "Let's get rid of gays and everyone who scares us" types we are so used to these days. He's the old school "let's get government out of our face and go have a beer" type. Is that so unforgivable?
Am I suggesting you should like Stallone more? Yes, I am not demanding it, but, I am totally 100% suggesting it. Let's face it, in the artsy crowds many of us have run with, saying you are a Stallone fan is like saying you enjoy having Slim Jims for dinner. But as a fan, I can tell you, they just don't get it. Yes, he has made throw away entertainment at times but he has made legitimate art on occasion as well. (I, for one, do not think someone is evil when they make throw away entertainment by the way). They judge the guy for his failures instead of his successes, something they would never do for someone they loved like John Malkovich (I love him too folks, but it isn't all 'Being John Malkovich'...sometimes it's Con-Air) These fake art-fans are also among the first to defend someone skinny or fat who is picked on for their physique (a very honorable thing to do) but will shit on a person who has large muscles. Silly and hypocritical.
I actually dated a girl in High School who was a super nice girl, but after seeing 'Cliffhanger' and only 'Cliffhanger' she decided he sucked. I submit to you, what if the only Malkovich film you ever saw was Con-Air? Would you be convinced he was one of the great thespians of our time? How about John Cusack? Do you think of a gem like 'High Fidelity' or a stinker like 2012? We should base our opinions on stars we don't know personally on their best work, not their worst. I was about 14 in the late 80s/early 90s, when Muscular Stars like Arnold & Stallone dominated the multi-plex and yes, I, like most boys bought many a ticket. Some of these movies were awful and unwatchable. Some were great. But after weighing the pros and cons, studying the facts, I can tell you with great ease.....Stallone won that shit.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. This is copyrighted but please share it with your friends.
Chris Rock once pointed out that the 'Prince vs Michael Jackson' debate may have been a hot-button contest back in the day but that since then, "Prince won that shit" and it is hard to argue with him on that. Never mind the fact that Prince looks great in his 50s, managed to stay alive and not have multiple child molestation charges (innocent or guilty, these cases can taint a public image). But on top of all that, Prince plays instruments, made 'Purple Rain', dates women for real (don't tell me MJ dated women privately, if JFK couldn't do it in secret, MJ couldn't either) and Prince made songs for Batman, not for Ben. Can Michael dance better? Sure. Is dancing making music? No. It is how one may respond to music while listening. Just like throwing a party and going to a party are 2 different things. Not to mention Michael's dancing, while great, I always felt was a bit over rated and here is why:
Everybody says, "Only Michael dances like that"....really? What about the 50 guys behind him in every video who are doing the exact same dance at the exact same time? Michael is the bigger Icon perhaps, yes, but keep in mind Mickey Mouse is a bigger Icon than Bugs Bunny. Now who is funnier? Bugs clearly. Mickey has always been more cute than funny. While one can disagree with me, these are measurable strengths and weaknesses which makes it very hard to argue with. That is the only point I was trying to make just now.
The Coke vs Pepsi debate is silly because it's purely based on one's taste and it is more difficult to measure with pinpoint accuracy which of these items is better. One may have to go with dumb points like 'What the masses prefer' but, for me that has never been a good standard to measure quality being that Britney Spears has outsold The Beatles in many markets.
However, in my evening of nostalgia I have come to a conclusion. And that is I believe the Stallone vs Arnold argument must be put to rest. It has been a way to get drunk guys at parties angry with one another for far too long now causing pain, ridicule, premature ejaculation and busted mouths, so I'm gonna put it to bed immediately. It is time I explain how that old battle is over like this:
1. CHARACTERS: See, Stallone has 2 Iconic characters on screen, Rocky Balboa & Rambo, as does Arnold with The Terminator & Conan the Barbarian. But did Arnold create one of his? No? Stallone did. Rocky is a Stallone original. And the first Rocky film won the Oscar for best picture. No Arnold movie has even been nominated for Best Picture. Arnold is cool but, Rocky is a true dramatic independent film on par with Taxi Driver & Pulp Fiction, only it inspires people to this day..
2. NERD CRED: Here's a fact. Not everyone wants to see the kind of Macho films Stallone & Arnold are both known for. So let's put action films aside for the moment, Stallone also hosted SNL & The Muppet Show. He has made a John Landis comedy: Oscar, a James Mangold Drama: Copland and while the movie 'Rhinestone' is not a gem, Stallone had the balls to duet with Dolly Parton in it. That takes guts. What was he gonna do? Out sing her? Not a chance. In Copland we see him share the screen with De Niro and Keitel and do they blow him off the screen as one might expect? No. He matches their acting skill, beat for beat. When Stallone is too old for Action Movies, he will still be capable of great acting. Arnold? Well, we can all hope.
3. QUOTABLE: Many will argue that with lines like "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta La Vista, Baby" that Arnold is far more quotable. Not so fast. First off, "Yo Adrian" and "I'm your worst Nightmare" are on par with those. Secondly, while they both have recited famous lines, Stallone has not only spoken them but, ALSO written many for others:
"I must break you", spoken by Drago, written by Stallone.
and, perhaps, one of the greatest, actually gave Mr.T a career. "I pity the fool", spoken by Mr.T, is a line from Rocky 3 and it is written by Stallone.Would Mr.T even be famous without "I pity the fool"?
4. MACHO STATUS: Arnold is a bigger guy, yes. But, Stallone made 'First Blood' the first Rambo film, before Arnold had ever made an Action Picture. It is considered by many film historians the first true action movie. Arnold, Chuck Norris and just about every other action star has been remaking Rambo ever since. What are movies like 'Commando', 'Missing In Action' and 'Red Scorpion' if not Rambo remakes essentially? Stallone has more stunts under his belt, is far more ripped at 65 than Arnold is at 63 and, as long as we are on the subject of Macho Status, has bedded legions of great looking starlets when Arnold was impregnating his housekeeper.
5. POWER: You know that movie, THE EXPENDABLES? Guess who called the shots. "Directed By Stallone", my friends. He told Arnold, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke and more where to stand, what to say and when to say it. Often at the same time. They bowed to his call. As all should. For if we do not, my friends, we are all doomed.
6. ARTISTIC CREDIBILITY: This was already covered a bit before, but yes, Stallone wins this one. He has opened an art exhibit of his paintings which are quite good. Written films, poetry and...um...did I mention The Muppets? Some of the directors he has collaborated with are John Huston, Robert Rodriguez, John Landis, James Mangold, and Norman Jewison. And say what you will about Judge Dredd, but the soundtrack features The Cure, The The, & Cocteau Twins, bands no other muscle-bound actor could attract.
7. LIBERAL POINT SHEET: Most Action stars do not have the balls to wear women's clothing in fear it may make them seem gay. And if they do, it tends to be in a joke-y manner like Wesley Snipes in 'Too Wong Foo' or Kurt Russell in 'Tango & Cash'. But STALLONE, a muscle-bound republican Action Star, played a character who only can succeed in catching the bad guys when he is cross dressing. Watch a movie called 'NIGHTHAWKS'. It is truly great 70s Cinema (despite being made in 1980 or so). Stallone plays Deke DeSilva, a cop who from my examination fails at everything in his life, career and marriage when he wraps himself up in the normal macho garb of the time (which meant having an awesome beard and a Rocky meets Serpico look). But whenever STALLONE crossdresses in the film, he can save the day. It is like he is Popeye and a nice evening gown is his Spinach. Okay, here is the truth. I am an uber-liberal. Yes, it is bad. I want to protect trees, whales and once in a while, even children. In my journey as a Comedian, Poet, Liberal Arts type, I have met many a Stallone Hater. Stallone and Arnold are Republicans, But Stallone is not the "Let's get rid of gays and everyone who scares us" types we are so used to these days. He's the old school "let's get government out of our face and go have a beer" type. Is that so unforgivable?
Am I suggesting you should like Stallone more? Yes, I am not demanding it, but, I am totally 100% suggesting it. Let's face it, in the artsy crowds many of us have run with, saying you are a Stallone fan is like saying you enjoy having Slim Jims for dinner. But as a fan, I can tell you, they just don't get it. Yes, he has made throw away entertainment at times but he has made legitimate art on occasion as well. (I, for one, do not think someone is evil when they make throw away entertainment by the way). They judge the guy for his failures instead of his successes, something they would never do for someone they loved like John Malkovich (I love him too folks, but it isn't all 'Being John Malkovich'...sometimes it's Con-Air) These fake art-fans are also among the first to defend someone skinny or fat who is picked on for their physique (a very honorable thing to do) but will shit on a person who has large muscles. Silly and hypocritical.
I actually dated a girl in High School who was a super nice girl, but after seeing 'Cliffhanger' and only 'Cliffhanger' she decided he sucked. I submit to you, what if the only Malkovich film you ever saw was Con-Air? Would you be convinced he was one of the great thespians of our time? How about John Cusack? Do you think of a gem like 'High Fidelity' or a stinker like 2012? We should base our opinions on stars we don't know personally on their best work, not their worst. I was about 14 in the late 80s/early 90s, when Muscular Stars like Arnold & Stallone dominated the multi-plex and yes, I, like most boys bought many a ticket. Some of these movies were awful and unwatchable. Some were great. But after weighing the pros and cons, studying the facts, I can tell you with great ease.....Stallone won that shit.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. This is copyrighted but please share it with your friends.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Vampires & Mermaids
Aside from the usual Sexual Fetishes people have (feet, food, household appliances) I have noticed 2 that nobody seems to want to talk about. Don't worry, I don't get filthy in this video. I simply address a strange trend for the last 100 years of MONSTER FETISHES.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this with as many people as you can.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this with as many people as you can.
8 Things I Am Thankful For
Well, it's Thanksgiving. That time of year when you see stuffing and despite it's features...you eat some.
That time we all go over the list of things we are thankful for. Here's mine:
1. I rarely see El Caminos anymore. Such a dumb vehicle. Is it a car? Is it a truck? I don't know. And in spanish, El Camino means 'The Road' or 'The Path'. You're starting to hate it now, huh?
2. We live in a world where a quick search may turn up good music or Tacos.
3. The DVR on my cable allows me to fast forward past musical performances in the Macy's Day parade.
4. Turkey comes in differnt colors, like dark meat, light meat and Indigo.
5. Stuffing can be used to stuff anything. Turkeys, ducks, the bodies in my TuffShed.
6. Santa is preparing for Christmas as we speak. Also, he is in preparation for the final war between the robots and the zombies who lay waste to one another through lasers and biting. (This may have been a dream I had)
7. Dogs and Cats have yet to merge sexually to create a terrible animal called a cog, or a dat. Or a Banky BooNoo. (I can't be in charge of naming it, okay?)
8. As the weather gets colder Mailmen wear funny hats.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
written by Tony Santiago
That time we all go over the list of things we are thankful for. Here's mine:
1. I rarely see El Caminos anymore. Such a dumb vehicle. Is it a car? Is it a truck? I don't know. And in spanish, El Camino means 'The Road' or 'The Path'. You're starting to hate it now, huh?
2. We live in a world where a quick search may turn up good music or Tacos.
3. The DVR on my cable allows me to fast forward past musical performances in the Macy's Day parade.
4. Turkey comes in differnt colors, like dark meat, light meat and Indigo.
5. Stuffing can be used to stuff anything. Turkeys, ducks, the bodies in my TuffShed.
6. Santa is preparing for Christmas as we speak. Also, he is in preparation for the final war between the robots and the zombies who lay waste to one another through lasers and biting. (This may have been a dream I had)
7. Dogs and Cats have yet to merge sexually to create a terrible animal called a cog, or a dat. Or a Banky BooNoo. (I can't be in charge of naming it, okay?)
8. As the weather gets colder Mailmen wear funny hats.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
written by Tony Santiago
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)