This is clips from the Jimmy Rocker(world famous air guitarist) interview.
It was 10 hours but this is just the good parts condensed to about 6 minutes.
He is one of my better known characters.
by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
"The Exotic Tale of the Mattresses"
When she mentioned that she wanted one of those memory foam mattresses like on TV,
I jokingly asked my wife, "What did humans do before mattresses?"
She took me literally and said, "Hay," which, of course, is what many would sleep on before the mattress was invented.
But I didn't hear her correctly and thought she said, "Hate."
As in, "What did people do before mattresses?"
"Hate.......they just hated!!!!"
Sometimes a kid who couldn't sleep would say, 'Mommy, I can't sleep' and the Mommy would ask,
"Have you tried hating something? There's much in this world to hate.....like demons, scurvy and feeling parched for mead."
"Boy, this is such a long time ago," the child would say.
"Yes," the mother would continue, "You can also hate the fact that waiters and waitresses have to have separate classifications based on gender even though they don't use their genitals to bring you a glass of water. The point is, if you hate hard enough, you will fall asleep. A pox on thee who don't hate themselves into an unconscious state! Or you could always do what mommy does and imagine some golden fleeced sheep leaping over a fence in the magical realm of Brigadoon, and then hate those sheep!!!! Hate 'em I tells ya'!!!"
But that isn't what my wife said. She said, "Hay."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
I jokingly asked my wife, "What did humans do before mattresses?"
She took me literally and said, "Hay," which, of course, is what many would sleep on before the mattress was invented.
But I didn't hear her correctly and thought she said, "Hate."
As in, "What did people do before mattresses?"
"Hate.......they just hated!!!!"
Sometimes a kid who couldn't sleep would say, 'Mommy, I can't sleep' and the Mommy would ask,
"Have you tried hating something? There's much in this world to hate.....like demons, scurvy and feeling parched for mead."
"Boy, this is such a long time ago," the child would say.
"Yes," the mother would continue, "You can also hate the fact that waiters and waitresses have to have separate classifications based on gender even though they don't use their genitals to bring you a glass of water. The point is, if you hate hard enough, you will fall asleep. A pox on thee who don't hate themselves into an unconscious state! Or you could always do what mommy does and imagine some golden fleeced sheep leaping over a fence in the magical realm of Brigadoon, and then hate those sheep!!!! Hate 'em I tells ya'!!!"
But that isn't what my wife said. She said, "Hay."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
"SHAPES"
When normal people retrace their own steps they call it "Going in circles."
Nerds call it "Going in squares."
As a vocation, Baseball players must "Go in diamonds", Racecar drivers must "Go in Ovals" and MMA fighters have to "Go in octagons."
Crazy people call what they do "Going in trapezoids."
The full bladdered must constantly "Go Potty."
This piece is what I call "Going to bore you."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Nerds call it "Going in squares."
As a vocation, Baseball players must "Go in diamonds", Racecar drivers must "Go in Ovals" and MMA fighters have to "Go in octagons."
Crazy people call what they do "Going in trapezoids."
The full bladdered must constantly "Go Potty."
This piece is what I call "Going to bore you."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
"The Super Awesome Power of Fish"
I don't believe in God but I also have no interest in trying to convince people that they should not. Regardless of your personal core value system, will you do me a favor? Just for a second, hear me out.
The stereotype (which isn't always true) is that Conservatives and Republicans are big fans of Jesus while Democrats and Liberals are iffy on him. That the Republican right reads the Jesus comic book every month while Liberals just wait for the movie.
Fair enough. I can't change this stereotype nor do I want to. I am, admittedly, not a Christian. I do not believe in any God, be it Jesus, Zeus, or Thor. But just for the sake of argument, let's say those of you who are practicing Christians are correct. That everything in the Bible (even the weird stuff that doesn't make sense) is true. I have seen countless folks on the right with rings that say 'What Would Jesus Do' in an attempt to remind themselves to behave more like him.
While not a biblical historian, I recall a tale in which Jesus made a whole bunch of fish and loaves of bread materialize for a group of hungry people. I don't remember Jesus demanding proof of their employment, identification, or citizenship(please correct me if he did). So now we know Jesus was even more generous than food stamps (something many conservatives are against). I remember another tale in which Jesus cured the lepers, right? He did not charge them. This was Free Health Care in the form of Jesus magic!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, while I am no biblical scholar, I submit to you that Jesus Christ, the widely accepted son of God (although if you believe we are all God's children then so am I) was and is a fan of free health care plans.
Clearly, he supported a public option when freely distributing cures and lunch. And his dad, (the world renowned celebrity, God) never told Jesus that his magic would be infinite. So as far as Jesus knew, giving away all those fish sandwiches would economically diminish his power. As far as any of us know, sandwich depletion was like Jesus Kryptonite. And need I remind thee of thy Lords sacrifice? No. I needeth not. He still helped those people according to the Christian mythology.
Certainly the constitution defends our religious freedoms and one is not obligated to believe in Jesus but, to be fair and consistent, if you DO believe in him then you have no choice but to be all for helping your fellow man.
"Yeah, but, Tony....what if they don't work?"
Jesus doesn't care. Remember when I pointed out he didn't check if those people were employed?
"What if they're foreigners?"
Jesus doesn't care. He didn't check where they were from, remember?
"What if Kanye or Toby Keith wrote a song about him?"
Jesus doesn't care. According to your book he lives in Heaven where all is magical and any human music would be boring compared to the rocking jams up there.
Republicans, I implore you, don't assume everyone can work as easily as you do. Some people are handicapped. Or they can't get jobs for various reasons like pregnancy, skin tone, some are babies, and some are even dead (the dead can't hold down a job. Just a coffin.)
Hell, some people might be too stupid. Seriously. Even if you are going to continue believing in a magic book that has all the answers, the book simply never said, "God hated his stupid children."
Stupid people get hungry and need medicine, too. As do the poor, the babies and the dead (You've never seen a zombie? Those dudes need help.) Besides, if medicine was only for the rich, there would be a commercial where a monocled old fart rolls down his window and says to another old bastard in a car, "Pardon me...have you any Grey Poupon...or Pepto Bismol?"
I have often heard Republicans argure that, "Yes, Tony. Some people are stupid but, it is okay to judge them seeing as how they could just go to school and get smarter." I will now disprove this argument, as well. Is there anything you learned in school that you forgot? Of course, we all do. If we have good brains we don't forget much is all. But there are stupid people whose brains forget the majority, a fact proven by the existence of the show, 'So you think you're smarter than a 5th grader', (which has a conservative host by the way.)
To be fair, if you DO want lots of innocent people to die, then it is consistent for you to not want health care reform or you to keep voting Republican. But then you gotta ask yourself what side you play for.
Here are your options if you want to be consistent in your beliefs:
1. Be an atheist Republican.
2. Be a Christian Liberal.
Or better yet, 3. Be yourself.
I don't have a "close personal relationship" with God or Jesus Christ. In fact he never returned my calls. I used to leave him messages and check my inbox regularly but, to no avail.
Still, all in all, he seemed to me like he was one of the good guys according to his stories.
Maybe THE good guy.
Helped people.
Entertained them.
Did tricks. Walked on water (although rumor has it this really bugged those who were about to drink it.) He even sacrificed himself to the Death panels (I was as surprised as you were.)
I saw a clip of Glenn Beck on TV talking about the distribution of wealth. He said charity and giving to the poor is fine BUT, not if the rich have to pay. Apparently, when he watched Robin Hood, he rooted for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
If you root for Robin Hood when you watch a Robin Hood movie, you have no choice but to be FOR taking from the rich to give to the poor.
All I am saying is, let your actions be more consistent with your world view. Are you for robbin' the hood? Or are you one of the good guys?
If so, perhaps one day when the rich can hire folks to die for them, the poor can make a living.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
The stereotype (which isn't always true) is that Conservatives and Republicans are big fans of Jesus while Democrats and Liberals are iffy on him. That the Republican right reads the Jesus comic book every month while Liberals just wait for the movie.
Fair enough. I can't change this stereotype nor do I want to. I am, admittedly, not a Christian. I do not believe in any God, be it Jesus, Zeus, or Thor. But just for the sake of argument, let's say those of you who are practicing Christians are correct. That everything in the Bible (even the weird stuff that doesn't make sense) is true. I have seen countless folks on the right with rings that say 'What Would Jesus Do' in an attempt to remind themselves to behave more like him.
While not a biblical historian, I recall a tale in which Jesus made a whole bunch of fish and loaves of bread materialize for a group of hungry people. I don't remember Jesus demanding proof of their employment, identification, or citizenship(please correct me if he did). So now we know Jesus was even more generous than food stamps (something many conservatives are against). I remember another tale in which Jesus cured the lepers, right? He did not charge them. This was Free Health Care in the form of Jesus magic!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, while I am no biblical scholar, I submit to you that Jesus Christ, the widely accepted son of God (although if you believe we are all God's children then so am I) was and is a fan of free health care plans.
Clearly, he supported a public option when freely distributing cures and lunch. And his dad, (the world renowned celebrity, God) never told Jesus that his magic would be infinite. So as far as Jesus knew, giving away all those fish sandwiches would economically diminish his power. As far as any of us know, sandwich depletion was like Jesus Kryptonite. And need I remind thee of thy Lords sacrifice? No. I needeth not. He still helped those people according to the Christian mythology.
Certainly the constitution defends our religious freedoms and one is not obligated to believe in Jesus but, to be fair and consistent, if you DO believe in him then you have no choice but to be all for helping your fellow man.
"Yeah, but, Tony....what if they don't work?"
Jesus doesn't care. Remember when I pointed out he didn't check if those people were employed?
"What if they're foreigners?"
Jesus doesn't care. He didn't check where they were from, remember?
"What if Kanye or Toby Keith wrote a song about him?"
Jesus doesn't care. According to your book he lives in Heaven where all is magical and any human music would be boring compared to the rocking jams up there.
Republicans, I implore you, don't assume everyone can work as easily as you do. Some people are handicapped. Or they can't get jobs for various reasons like pregnancy, skin tone, some are babies, and some are even dead (the dead can't hold down a job. Just a coffin.)
Hell, some people might be too stupid. Seriously. Even if you are going to continue believing in a magic book that has all the answers, the book simply never said, "God hated his stupid children."
Stupid people get hungry and need medicine, too. As do the poor, the babies and the dead (You've never seen a zombie? Those dudes need help.) Besides, if medicine was only for the rich, there would be a commercial where a monocled old fart rolls down his window and says to another old bastard in a car, "Pardon me...have you any Grey Poupon...or Pepto Bismol?"
I have often heard Republicans argure that, "Yes, Tony. Some people are stupid but, it is okay to judge them seeing as how they could just go to school and get smarter." I will now disprove this argument, as well. Is there anything you learned in school that you forgot? Of course, we all do. If we have good brains we don't forget much is all. But there are stupid people whose brains forget the majority, a fact proven by the existence of the show, 'So you think you're smarter than a 5th grader', (which has a conservative host by the way.)
To be fair, if you DO want lots of innocent people to die, then it is consistent for you to not want health care reform or you to keep voting Republican. But then you gotta ask yourself what side you play for.
Here are your options if you want to be consistent in your beliefs:
1. Be an atheist Republican.
2. Be a Christian Liberal.
Or better yet, 3. Be yourself.
I don't have a "close personal relationship" with God or Jesus Christ. In fact he never returned my calls. I used to leave him messages and check my inbox regularly but, to no avail.
Still, all in all, he seemed to me like he was one of the good guys according to his stories.
Maybe THE good guy.
Helped people.
Entertained them.
Did tricks. Walked on water (although rumor has it this really bugged those who were about to drink it.) He even sacrificed himself to the Death panels (I was as surprised as you were.)
I saw a clip of Glenn Beck on TV talking about the distribution of wealth. He said charity and giving to the poor is fine BUT, not if the rich have to pay. Apparently, when he watched Robin Hood, he rooted for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
If you root for Robin Hood when you watch a Robin Hood movie, you have no choice but to be FOR taking from the rich to give to the poor.
All I am saying is, let your actions be more consistent with your world view. Are you for robbin' the hood? Or are you one of the good guys?
If so, perhaps one day when the rich can hire folks to die for them, the poor can make a living.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
'Superman, Dracula & Jesus Go To The Sizzler'
This cartoon features the Man of Steel himself as he and his lunch mates, Dracula and Jesus share with us their concerns over eating at the Sizzler. Of course, as you already guessed, Dr.Phil shows up and things are not the same after that.
'The Corn Call'
This is me calling the Boston Market (who were very nice) and telling them I was going to bring in a celebrity to eat there but that I was concerned since he has many special needs.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
'One of the 2 Head Guys Resigned Today'
My friend Liz mentioned that "One of the 2 head guys resigned today" meaning that there are most likely 2 separate guys who are in charge of something at her place of employment and one of them has just quit his job. But the way she said it got me excitedly thinking about 2 headed people. Something I have not done for hours.
The possibilities of being a 2 headed man fascinate me. Not only because I often have trouble deciding on which hat to wear(problem solved), but also because I like attention. Whether your heads are handsome or ugly, I imagine having enough of them to match your legs would be a plus. In the movies, 2 headed people always argue with themselves for the sake of comedy (the line for those of us who can't wait to see that joke again starts here) but I think if I had 2 heads I would most likely agree with myself a lot, which would bring me much pleasure when driving.
I know many arguments could be made for why it would suck. My appearance would frighten children, brushing my teeth would take twice as long and I would have no idea where to put the seat belt. However, the list of positive repercussions I feel far outweighs the negative.
For example, eating corn on the cob would look hilarious. I could do the spaghetti scene from 'Lady and the Tramp' all by myself. For Halloween I could be Batman AND Robin. And if I started making out with myself in costume, nerds would laugh so hard they would shit their pants and run home to change, which would give me the prime selection of all the comics(cuz the comic shop is where I would trick or treat).
I could make the "Who's on first" sketch lose all meaning and seem metaphysical because how could one of my heads be confused about players names if we were both there to learn the roster at the same time? It would go like this, "Who's on first." "Yeah, I know."
Sex would always be a three-way, bobbing for apples would be easy, no one would block my vision at the movie theater, and reciting the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song would sound 1/3 better than it used to. See? Two is better. Or not. Who knows? Fun to think about, though, huh? I'm just glad that guy resigned. It gave me something to post. I'm not the type to post about what I had for lunch. And neither is my other head.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but share it with friends.
The possibilities of being a 2 headed man fascinate me. Not only because I often have trouble deciding on which hat to wear(problem solved), but also because I like attention. Whether your heads are handsome or ugly, I imagine having enough of them to match your legs would be a plus. In the movies, 2 headed people always argue with themselves for the sake of comedy (the line for those of us who can't wait to see that joke again starts here) but I think if I had 2 heads I would most likely agree with myself a lot, which would bring me much pleasure when driving.
I know many arguments could be made for why it would suck. My appearance would frighten children, brushing my teeth would take twice as long and I would have no idea where to put the seat belt. However, the list of positive repercussions I feel far outweighs the negative.
For example, eating corn on the cob would look hilarious. I could do the spaghetti scene from 'Lady and the Tramp' all by myself. For Halloween I could be Batman AND Robin. And if I started making out with myself in costume, nerds would laugh so hard they would shit their pants and run home to change, which would give me the prime selection of all the comics(cuz the comic shop is where I would trick or treat).
I could make the "Who's on first" sketch lose all meaning and seem metaphysical because how could one of my heads be confused about players names if we were both there to learn the roster at the same time? It would go like this, "Who's on first." "Yeah, I know."
Sex would always be a three-way, bobbing for apples would be easy, no one would block my vision at the movie theater, and reciting the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song would sound 1/3 better than it used to. See? Two is better. Or not. Who knows? Fun to think about, though, huh? I'm just glad that guy resigned. It gave me something to post. I'm not the type to post about what I had for lunch. And neither is my other head.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but share it with friends.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
'The Immense Difficulty of Going to Sleep.'
The human body needs sleep. In fact, not just THE human body (which has been credited to me more than once) but ALL human bodies. My own track record for eating, drinking, and breathing is remarkable if I do say so myself.
Every time I want to eat, I do. And if the desire to breathe air should overwhelm me, I have been known to successfully inhale it on occasion. Yet, last night I failed at sleep.
The process was as follows:
1. Recognizing I was feeling tired.
2. Lying down.
and 3. Staying awake.
I believe it was step 3 that screwed it all up.
I don't recall a time when I attempted to eat food and just missed entirely. Here's what I do: I place the food in my mouth (that's just how I do it-you do it your way) my teeth grind and chomp the food stuff down into a weakened, if not, destroyed state and swallow. Then, without even trying I might add, I digest said material and turn it into waste. Impressed?
I have never "messed up" and turned my food into a Cadillac or an igloo. I have never tried to breathe air and accidentally sucked Tom Hanks deeply into my nostrils and lungs. Never drank a glass of water and the next morning pissed out the Book of Mormon.
So, why is it, with this knowledge of my extraordinary physical abilities, should I fail time and again to get a good night's sleep?
Is it the Republicans? No. Too easy.
Could it be my kids are sometimes noisy in the night? No. Because I would sometimes fail to sleep even as a single bachelor, plowing through a veritable sea of vaginas. So, I shouldn't blame it on the kids.
No, friends, no. It's me. I must take responsibility. The bad sleep is on me. And I sadly do not know the answer. Unable to relax, I must essentially pass out from exhaustion like an aging Tyrannosauraus Rex after he has spent an hour trying to do a push-up.
"But, Tony," I hear you asking in your mind, "Why then do you still, at times, fail to go to sleep?"
Good question, faceless audience.
However, the answer lies in the question itself, just as a Smurf lies in a mushroom thusly inspiring everything Timothy Leary ever pondered. Are you ready? Because here comes the truth.
The phrase is..."Go To Sleep." Go. As in travel.
This leads me to believe that regular people, and by regular people, I mean those of you who do not credit the Smurfs with the revolutionary ideas thought up by others, seem to know the "path" to "get to" this mythical town of "Sleep".
None of you will share the secret to relaxation, of course, due to terrible upbringings and/or a fear that I may take away your dreams in the night. Not at all. I promise. I just want to know how to get there. Is there a quest I could go on that could result in me procuring a map? Does anyone care?
Assuming some of you regular folk, with your precious sleeping abilities and your love of hot soup don't mind sharing this knowledge, then it would seem the directions to Sleep are just too difficult to give. I've never heard a friend say, "Take a right at Arizona, summon the Beast of Tranquility, Speaketh the magic chant, then keep going until you see Tired and just a little past that is Sleep."
I am thinking if no one can or will tell me, I may have to get a long wooden stick, a polka dotted cloth wrapped around the things I own (which are nothing more than a box of matches, a goldfish and a Boxcar Willie record), throw my thumb out into the air (not literally) and hitch a ride with one of you commuters so we can go all the way to Sleep together.
If you see me on the side of the road with circles under my eyes and a turtle by my feet, please pick me up. I promise not to eat, kill or rape you.
I just need to go to sleep.
THE human body requires it.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. But please, share it.
Every time I want to eat, I do. And if the desire to breathe air should overwhelm me, I have been known to successfully inhale it on occasion. Yet, last night I failed at sleep.
The process was as follows:
1. Recognizing I was feeling tired.
2. Lying down.
and 3. Staying awake.
I believe it was step 3 that screwed it all up.
I don't recall a time when I attempted to eat food and just missed entirely. Here's what I do: I place the food in my mouth (that's just how I do it-you do it your way) my teeth grind and chomp the food stuff down into a weakened, if not, destroyed state and swallow. Then, without even trying I might add, I digest said material and turn it into waste. Impressed?
I have never "messed up" and turned my food into a Cadillac or an igloo. I have never tried to breathe air and accidentally sucked Tom Hanks deeply into my nostrils and lungs. Never drank a glass of water and the next morning pissed out the Book of Mormon.
So, why is it, with this knowledge of my extraordinary physical abilities, should I fail time and again to get a good night's sleep?
Is it the Republicans? No. Too easy.
Could it be my kids are sometimes noisy in the night? No. Because I would sometimes fail to sleep even as a single bachelor, plowing through a veritable sea of vaginas. So, I shouldn't blame it on the kids.
No, friends, no. It's me. I must take responsibility. The bad sleep is on me. And I sadly do not know the answer. Unable to relax, I must essentially pass out from exhaustion like an aging Tyrannosauraus Rex after he has spent an hour trying to do a push-up.
"But, Tony," I hear you asking in your mind, "Why then do you still, at times, fail to go to sleep?"
Good question, faceless audience.
However, the answer lies in the question itself, just as a Smurf lies in a mushroom thusly inspiring everything Timothy Leary ever pondered. Are you ready? Because here comes the truth.
The phrase is..."Go To Sleep." Go. As in travel.
This leads me to believe that regular people, and by regular people, I mean those of you who do not credit the Smurfs with the revolutionary ideas thought up by others, seem to know the "path" to "get to" this mythical town of "Sleep".
None of you will share the secret to relaxation, of course, due to terrible upbringings and/or a fear that I may take away your dreams in the night. Not at all. I promise. I just want to know how to get there. Is there a quest I could go on that could result in me procuring a map? Does anyone care?
Assuming some of you regular folk, with your precious sleeping abilities and your love of hot soup don't mind sharing this knowledge, then it would seem the directions to Sleep are just too difficult to give. I've never heard a friend say, "Take a right at Arizona, summon the Beast of Tranquility, Speaketh the magic chant, then keep going until you see Tired and just a little past that is Sleep."
I am thinking if no one can or will tell me, I may have to get a long wooden stick, a polka dotted cloth wrapped around the things I own (which are nothing more than a box of matches, a goldfish and a Boxcar Willie record), throw my thumb out into the air (not literally) and hitch a ride with one of you commuters so we can go all the way to Sleep together.
If you see me on the side of the road with circles under my eyes and a turtle by my feet, please pick me up. I promise not to eat, kill or rape you.
I just need to go to sleep.
THE human body requires it.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. But please, share it.
Monday, July 18, 2011
'Superman, Batman and Breastfeeding'
A Facebook friend of mine(we will call her Rachel McAwesome Sauce for security reasons)who is a new mother would like to pump her breast milk occasionally at work and one of her bosses has asked her not to(we will call him AssFace Jones for security reasons). I have 3 kids and I know that there are numerous problems with this mans request.
1. It leaked from his stupid mouth.
2. If a mother who nurses her child does not regularly nurse or pump than she can "dry up" so to speak(sorry to get so medical on you)and be unable to nurse or pump.
3. Would he ask a man not to pee for 8 hours? (and no, I am not suggesting breast milk is something to discard like pee, only that holding in a bodily fluid when one needs to release it can be a tad uncomfortable to say the least. Imagine your chest expanding against your will and to release the pain all you have to do is love your child.)
4. If a woman is unable to nurse or simply does not want to, she should not feel guilty since there are many very healthy formulas one can purchase however, breast milk is even better and if a woman is capable and wants to, is there a man on this Earth that should get in her way? No.
Superman can fly. He can reach speeds no jet airplane on Earth can match. So, my question is this. If Superman hears the scream of someone who is in need of help, should he walk there? Should he sit at home and hope this screaming person is helped by someone else? Babies cry when they are in need of food or comfort. They can't do these things without help. Often a womans breasts will begin to leak at the exact time that their baby is ready for a feeding. So a woman knows when she needs to nurse or pump. It is like her spidey sense is tingling.. What if, instead of a flying Superman, we are talking about Batman, and Batman hears someone screaming and he can send out a remote control BatBot to save the day but Alfred is all "Could you hold in that instinct? It might make Robin uncomfortable.
I say screw that shit. Robin will always be uncomfortable. He wears tights and is yelled at by a big man dressed like a monster. He even has to wear tights around Catwoman and Poison Ivy. Holy other expanding body parts, Batman!! I know I am a nerd but, my friends, wouldn't you fly if you were Superman? Heroes should save the day. Moms should nurture their children and anyone who is neither should have a tall glass of Pipe Down juice. It makes some guys uncomfortable? Really? Well, it makes the mom far more uncomfortable to have 2 of her body parts(2 of the best ones I might add)swelling up and telling her when to release. It makes babies uncomfortable to not eat when they are hungry.
And why would you discourage a woman from using her powers for good? Could it be because you are one of the bad guys? Seriously. Women can turn into a restaurant for babies. Think about that. A woman can keep a baby alive with nothing more than her own body. That is amazing. I am a man. And I am a modern man so I'm not even good at killing stuff to bring to the baby. I go to the store. I use already sliced ham and turkey and bread to make a sandwich. Do you understand that, people? For the same reason you should not expect every guy to be a hulking He-Man of fire and steel(society killed us off long ago), you should not demand a woman to hold off using her special abilities.
Men are rarely men. But women are still often women. And it is awesome.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, share this with a friend. The CD is one of my many Cd covers you can see at the end of my movies. http://www.youtube.com/user/BansheeMilk Doesn't this lady have pretty eyes?
1. It leaked from his stupid mouth.
2. If a mother who nurses her child does not regularly nurse or pump than she can "dry up" so to speak(sorry to get so medical on you)and be unable to nurse or pump.
3. Would he ask a man not to pee for 8 hours? (and no, I am not suggesting breast milk is something to discard like pee, only that holding in a bodily fluid when one needs to release it can be a tad uncomfortable to say the least. Imagine your chest expanding against your will and to release the pain all you have to do is love your child.)
4. If a woman is unable to nurse or simply does not want to, she should not feel guilty since there are many very healthy formulas one can purchase however, breast milk is even better and if a woman is capable and wants to, is there a man on this Earth that should get in her way? No.
Superman can fly. He can reach speeds no jet airplane on Earth can match. So, my question is this. If Superman hears the scream of someone who is in need of help, should he walk there? Should he sit at home and hope this screaming person is helped by someone else? Babies cry when they are in need of food or comfort. They can't do these things without help. Often a womans breasts will begin to leak at the exact time that their baby is ready for a feeding. So a woman knows when she needs to nurse or pump. It is like her spidey sense is tingling.. What if, instead of a flying Superman, we are talking about Batman, and Batman hears someone screaming and he can send out a remote control BatBot to save the day but Alfred is all "Could you hold in that instinct? It might make Robin uncomfortable.
I say screw that shit. Robin will always be uncomfortable. He wears tights and is yelled at by a big man dressed like a monster. He even has to wear tights around Catwoman and Poison Ivy. Holy other expanding body parts, Batman!! I know I am a nerd but, my friends, wouldn't you fly if you were Superman? Heroes should save the day. Moms should nurture their children and anyone who is neither should have a tall glass of Pipe Down juice. It makes some guys uncomfortable? Really? Well, it makes the mom far more uncomfortable to have 2 of her body parts(2 of the best ones I might add)swelling up and telling her when to release. It makes babies uncomfortable to not eat when they are hungry.
And why would you discourage a woman from using her powers for good? Could it be because you are one of the bad guys? Seriously. Women can turn into a restaurant for babies. Think about that. A woman can keep a baby alive with nothing more than her own body. That is amazing. I am a man. And I am a modern man so I'm not even good at killing stuff to bring to the baby. I go to the store. I use already sliced ham and turkey and bread to make a sandwich. Do you understand that, people? For the same reason you should not expect every guy to be a hulking He-Man of fire and steel(society killed us off long ago), you should not demand a woman to hold off using her special abilities.
Men are rarely men. But women are still often women. And it is awesome.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, share this with a friend. The CD is one of my many Cd covers you can see at the end of my movies. http://www.youtube.com/user/BansheeMilk Doesn't this lady have pretty eyes?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
PAVEMENT
I called this company that does driveways and whatnot. Well, not as much whatnot as driveways. But a fair amount of both I gather. The results of the call pleased me and I think you may enjoy it as well. The lady I spoke to was dying to get off the phone with me but, to my credit, I kept her on and took the conversation to some strange places.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
'Yesterday's Crossdressing Fiasco.'
Standing in line at the grocery store, I mourned the line I had chosen. The one to my right was moving at a fevered pace, food items being thrown into bags like hand grenades. Meanwhile, my line was glacially pulling forward towards the Ship it wanted to destroy (me), whose steel hide would prove no match for the oncoming iceberg known as slow customer service. I found myself wondering why ships are often referred to as 'She' when they are not 'She' but rather, a damn boat, when I heard, "Young man, why are you wearing ladies shoes?"
I looked down instinctively and thought 'Am I' even though, I knew I had put on an old pair of Chucks.
See, at times I do wear what is thought of as 'womens clothing' although I have never seen any genitalia on the garments and so I have always considered clothing to be genderless, like a ham, a chair, or as I said before, a boat(admittedly, a ham used to have genitals but no more as they are mighty tasty around Christmas). Then, I saw that the person who asked the question was an old lady in front of me in line and that she had said it to a young guy of 18 or 19. He was dressed as your average layabout grunge kid would in the early 90s only he had on an enormous pair of high heels. I was thinking they looked expensive but the old lady in front of me was just confused as to why he would put these shoes on.
The boy, who was accompanied by a male friend, shouted back, "Because I can!"
He was lucky, I thought, that her eyes were not guns, because if they had been, the reaction they gave to his answer would certainly have pulled the trigger on each. The boy's answer was given loudly and for a second I even thought he was being rude. Well, maybe a millisecond. Because then, I thought about it. Analyzed it.
We all wanna say, "Oh, let her off the hook! She's old!" How old exactly? I don't know. But, looking at her I would wager around 80. Which means she can recall a time when pants, for example, were just for men. Now guess what she was wearing. PANTS!!!
I said 'Good for you' to the boys, who in turn, said 'Thanks.'
Then, I heard the cashier say to the old lady, "There's no reason to be so fucking rude!"
"I didn't think I was being rude," the old lady said.
"No, not you," the cashier continued,"those gay boys. I mean, I know God loves them, too, but they're the ones dressed like that.'
I had to speak up.
"Ladies, you both are wearing pants."
"So? What's wrong with that?"
"Not a thing. But, pants were originally intended for men. So, in turn, there is nothing wrong with a man wearing shoes intended for women. It is only consistent."
Both women rolled their eyes at me.
"Okay, you can roll your eyes if you want but, it doesn't qualify as a genuine comeback. It is just something people do when they lack the foundation for an intelligent argument."
They ignored me and I let it go.
The boys were leaving and shouted "Bye Haters" in an intentionally gay tone. They sounded like southern belles saying 'Yoo Hoo' to a barebacked horseshoer.
But just then, the cashier yelled, "Wear a dress next time!"
This made me angry for 2 reasons.
#1. It was said in a tone of hatred. She sounded something not unlike Lex Luthor promising Superman "will pay for his do-gooder theatrics" which proved her to indeed be a hater.
#2. It didn't make sense as an insult since the boy would most likely have no problem with wearing a dress and would not be offended at the concept. Imagine that you are angry at an Ice Cream Man who liked his job. Screaming 'Go sell a waffle cone' would not be the best way to hurt his feelings, now, would it?
No, of course not.
Just the same, I informed a manager that the cashier was yelling at customers. A strange business model if there ever was one. I don't think we should let such hateful thinking go unchecked in modern society.
Then, I finally checked out and walked to my car. I thought about how fast some right wingers will turn to quick bursts of anger and hate before a shred of thought pops into their head.
The line on the left moves slower but with a precision and clarity that is much healthier.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
See, at times I do wear what is thought of as 'womens clothing' although I have never seen any genitalia on the garments and so I have always considered clothing to be genderless, like a ham, a chair, or as I said before, a boat(admittedly, a ham used to have genitals but no more as they are mighty tasty around Christmas). Then, I saw that the person who asked the question was an old lady in front of me in line and that she had said it to a young guy of 18 or 19. He was dressed as your average layabout grunge kid would in the early 90s only he had on an enormous pair of high heels. I was thinking they looked expensive but the old lady in front of me was just confused as to why he would put these shoes on.
The boy, who was accompanied by a male friend, shouted back, "Because I can!"
He was lucky, I thought, that her eyes were not guns, because if they had been, the reaction they gave to his answer would certainly have pulled the trigger on each. The boy's answer was given loudly and for a second I even thought he was being rude. Well, maybe a millisecond. Because then, I thought about it. Analyzed it.
We all wanna say, "Oh, let her off the hook! She's old!" How old exactly? I don't know. But, looking at her I would wager around 80. Which means she can recall a time when pants, for example, were just for men. Now guess what she was wearing. PANTS!!!
I said 'Good for you' to the boys, who in turn, said 'Thanks.'
Then, I heard the cashier say to the old lady, "There's no reason to be so fucking rude!"
"I didn't think I was being rude," the old lady said.
"No, not you," the cashier continued,"those gay boys. I mean, I know God loves them, too, but they're the ones dressed like that.'
I had to speak up.
"Ladies, you both are wearing pants."
"So? What's wrong with that?"
"Not a thing. But, pants were originally intended for men. So, in turn, there is nothing wrong with a man wearing shoes intended for women. It is only consistent."
Both women rolled their eyes at me.
"Okay, you can roll your eyes if you want but, it doesn't qualify as a genuine comeback. It is just something people do when they lack the foundation for an intelligent argument."
They ignored me and I let it go.
The boys were leaving and shouted "Bye Haters" in an intentionally gay tone. They sounded like southern belles saying 'Yoo Hoo' to a barebacked horseshoer.
But just then, the cashier yelled, "Wear a dress next time!"
This made me angry for 2 reasons.
#1. It was said in a tone of hatred. She sounded something not unlike Lex Luthor promising Superman "will pay for his do-gooder theatrics" which proved her to indeed be a hater.
#2. It didn't make sense as an insult since the boy would most likely have no problem with wearing a dress and would not be offended at the concept. Imagine that you are angry at an Ice Cream Man who liked his job. Screaming 'Go sell a waffle cone' would not be the best way to hurt his feelings, now, would it?
No, of course not.
Just the same, I informed a manager that the cashier was yelling at customers. A strange business model if there ever was one. I don't think we should let such hateful thinking go unchecked in modern society.
Then, I finally checked out and walked to my car. I thought about how fast some right wingers will turn to quick bursts of anger and hate before a shred of thought pops into their head.
The line on the left moves slower but with a precision and clarity that is much healthier.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Friday, July 15, 2011
"The Negotiation of a Curb Approaching October." (a poem for my son)
He lifts his foot to the curb as though it is a wrecking ball,
Trying to kiss a paper plate balancing on an upright toothpick.
It is like King Kong is nervous to reach the top of the Empire State Building (for he knows about the planes).
Only the planes don't come.
And we are laughing.
Though nothing is funny.
We want to cry.
Though nothing is sad.
And the sin of pride becomes a beautiful thing.
At the top of the Empire State Building.
Where King Kong is two.
Where his fathers heart swells when his son can step up onto the curb.
All by himself.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Trying to kiss a paper plate balancing on an upright toothpick.
It is like King Kong is nervous to reach the top of the Empire State Building (for he knows about the planes).
Only the planes don't come.
And we are laughing.
Though nothing is funny.
We want to cry.
Though nothing is sad.
And the sin of pride becomes a beautiful thing.
At the top of the Empire State Building.
Where King Kong is two.
Where his fathers heart swells when his son can step up onto the curb.
All by himself.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Renting The Rain
I made a phone call to a place that makes overhead sprinklers while feigning confusion as to the function of their business model. Check it out if you like.
'The Immaturity of Spell Check'
So, if you read that last piece (the Eisner -winning 'The Floating Beard') you may have noticed the word 'immature' was typed in it.
At first, when I typed it I was going too fast and accidentally put only one 'M'.
So, spell check, in it's infinite wisdom, suggested I wanted to put the word 'Mature' even though, I typed 'imature'.
Close, right? WRONG. These two words happen to be polar opposites. Battling for supremacy. The mature and the immature want nothing to do with one another.
It is like I was typing 'Salma Hayek' and spell check assumes what I meant was 'Carol Channing' or 'Pick-up truck' or 'Large Salmon'.....all things I have decided are the opposite of actress Salma Hayek.
Wrong again, computer. And how ashamed you must be.
written by tony santiago, all rights reserved
At first, when I typed it I was going too fast and accidentally put only one 'M'.
So, spell check, in it's infinite wisdom, suggested I wanted to put the word 'Mature' even though, I typed 'imature'.
Close, right? WRONG. These two words happen to be polar opposites. Battling for supremacy. The mature and the immature want nothing to do with one another.
It is like I was typing 'Salma Hayek' and spell check assumes what I meant was 'Carol Channing' or 'Pick-up truck' or 'Large Salmon'.....all things I have decided are the opposite of actress Salma Hayek.
Wrong again, computer. And how ashamed you must be.
written by tony santiago, all rights reserved
'The Floating Beard'
Imagine, if you will, a disembodied beard........somehow it is intact and floating towards you. Somehow...somehow it is staring into your eyes, though it has none. It knows you....you can't place where you may have met this hovering beard. In another life perhaps?
Now imagine it is getting closer....and closer. Just then, the beard begins screaming "Do you find me attractive?!?" in a terrifying screechy voice.
You're beginning to question the universe.
Now stop imagining that.
It's stupid. You're being very immature.
Really? A floating beard? Questioning the universe?
Who the Hell do you think you are?
.........written by tony santiago, all right reserved
Now imagine it is getting closer....and closer. Just then, the beard begins screaming "Do you find me attractive?!?" in a terrifying screechy voice.
You're beginning to question the universe.
Now stop imagining that.
It's stupid. You're being very immature.
Really? A floating beard? Questioning the universe?
Who the Hell do you think you are?
.........written by tony santiago, all right reserved
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
"Tooting My Horn"(a tribute to modesty)
One should never toot their own horn but, rather, let someone else place their mouth on one's respective horn and toot the crap out of it themselves. This is what people call "Modesty." And I have it in spades. I absolutely adore how amazingly modest I am and you all should, too.
Just think about it. I have not brought up how many times I have been published (many) or how unbelievably good I smell after a shower (it is quite extraordinary). I have not once mentioned the countless times I have been lauded for my charity work (3 times) or the way my pants hug my buttocks just tight enough to give the ladies an idea of the both full and compact majesty on which I sit and yet, just loose enough to say "This man is not a male bimbo. And I should know. Because I am his pants."
You see, arrogance is an awful trait. This is why I never write about the many awards in the arts I have received or the vast collection of famous friends I have gained over the years (I'm thinking of you, Larry Storch). No sir. It would just be unseemly. No one wants to hear about the afternoons spent canoodling with movie stars, supermodels and heads of state(canoodling still means eating noodles in a canoe with someone, right?). They want modesty. There is nothing the public despises more than an egotist. Can you believe an egotist likes himself so much that he does not aspire to be like me? It is true.
You may have trouble swallowing this but there are many people (and I use that term loosely) who don't want to be as modest as I. Sad facts such as these is why I let the rest of you toot my horn. But please toot harder and faster. Thank you.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Just think about it. I have not brought up how many times I have been published (many) or how unbelievably good I smell after a shower (it is quite extraordinary). I have not once mentioned the countless times I have been lauded for my charity work (3 times) or the way my pants hug my buttocks just tight enough to give the ladies an idea of the both full and compact majesty on which I sit and yet, just loose enough to say "This man is not a male bimbo. And I should know. Because I am his pants."
You see, arrogance is an awful trait. This is why I never write about the many awards in the arts I have received or the vast collection of famous friends I have gained over the years (I'm thinking of you, Larry Storch). No sir. It would just be unseemly. No one wants to hear about the afternoons spent canoodling with movie stars, supermodels and heads of state(canoodling still means eating noodles in a canoe with someone, right?). They want modesty. There is nothing the public despises more than an egotist. Can you believe an egotist likes himself so much that he does not aspire to be like me? It is true.
You may have trouble swallowing this but there are many people (and I use that term loosely) who don't want to be as modest as I. Sad facts such as these is why I let the rest of you toot my horn. But please toot harder and faster. Thank you.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
'The Perfect Storm'(my history with puffy stickers)
You see, I had many Puffy Stickers as a kid (yes, I will continue to capitalize it). In a sticker album, I pulled them together along with regular stickers, shiny stickers and of course, Scratch N Sniff stickers. I gave each page an appropriate theme as my mother had taught me. There was the DC and Marvel Superheroes page, the Star Wars page, and my personal favorite, the Tooth page. This page included nothing but stickers given to me by dentists and the stickers usually depicted a cartoon tooth or a part of the human mouth in various degrees of celebration and/or decay with a dental pun or an ominous warning about hygiene.
Mom decided we would make a break for it and venture forth to the nearby Wendy's, a task that would prove difficult. I was about 10 at the time, but the size of an 8 year old which made lifting my feet to take steps through the deepest parts of the flood almost impossible. Ricky and Mom each held a hand and pulled me along as they made their way to Wendy's. The intoxicating promise of hamburgers and danger were a thrilling sensation for a young me. I found myself hoping for some kind of action-packed scenario involving my mom and brother near drowning and a crane with a pulley system that only little kids could use (it would break if anyone older tried it). I would rescue them and my mom would feel too guilty to tell me the kids meal with the toy inside was too expensive. She would have to buy it!! But soon we were at Wendy's, stomping the excess water from our shoes. And I learned I would be getting the kids burger without the toy. Anger was all I could feel towards the imaginary crane for not existing.
But there at the counter was a tub of Puffy Stickers featuring Sylvester the Cat, various Thundercats (whose names I did not know as I was a He-Man fan, but still, free Puffy Sticker) and even The Junkyard Dog, who you can see on the bottom far right of the above photo and was easily one of my favorite wrestlers. I was so excited I could barely move. I just stared at them in awe. My dad had told me recently that I was getting a bit old for stickers but, here they were. And with a little note that said only my favorite word: 'Free.'
"How many can I take?" I asked the man behind the counter.
"Well, I don't think we'll be getting much business today," he said,"Take as many as you want."
Suddenly, I found myself madly in love with the storm.
"Very well," I said in my best Benson (I would often imitate TV's Benson when I wanted to sound cool), "I'll just take one of each character. I shouldn't want to get in the way of other youths enjoying your selection."
Admittedly, The Junkyard Dog sticker was the last of his kind in the tub but, I didn't care. The flood was treacherous, I had traveled far and I deserved him. I worried a little bit about how Dad would react if he saw them in a new album. He wouldn't beat me over it or anything like that but, he might shake his head and make a face that said, "Really? Stickers? Did they come with a dress?"
Somehow, I think the nice burger man could sense that I was more nervous about having them on display at home than I was about the dreadful weather.
I took a plethora of Puffy Stickers home that day and saved them in a bag that the nice burger man at Wendy's provided me with until I could think of what to do with them.
Years past and the stickers were forgotten about until at about 14 years old or so I came across the bag in a drawer. Surely I was too old to be interested in stickers? But then again, Puffy ones were becoming less frequent in society and why not put them to good use?
I didn't have enough stickers to complete a second album and certainly not enough to give the pages themes, but, a counselor I had been seeing at the time had advised me to attempt to break from routine if and when I felt strong enough so I decided I would start a new album. One without any themes. One that's pages would mix stickers with movie tickets and cutouts from magazines. Any random stuff I liked.
But, it felt good to fill a book with a bunch of random stuff. No rules other than points of interest.
I never collected stickers again after that but occasionally I will come across that rarest of childhood treasures, the Puffy Sticker, and it is like seeing the mythical White Buffalo or the Yeti. You let out a tiny gasp. Stare at it while keeping very still. And just bask in the glow and the memory of that perfect storm.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Friday, July 8, 2011
"Forgive me, Prime Minister...."
When I diagram the phrase 'Prime Minister' and really get down to business and think about it, I think a Prime Minister should be like a priest who gives out steak instead of wafers during confession.
And really good high quality New York Prime Rib or something.
Not some weak ass bologna steak.
I would sit in the apology booth (by the way, that's what I think the Confessional should be called, or failing that, the 'Sorry Closet') with my mouth agape:
"So Prime Minister...we meet again. Perhaps the meat is on the other foot."
Confused he would mutter, "....What, my son?"
And I would answer, "Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about footmeat or something."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
And really good high quality New York Prime Rib or something.
Not some weak ass bologna steak.
I would sit in the apology booth (by the way, that's what I think the Confessional should be called, or failing that, the 'Sorry Closet') with my mouth agape:
"So Prime Minister...we meet again. Perhaps the meat is on the other foot."
Confused he would mutter, "....What, my son?"
And I would answer, "Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about footmeat or something."
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
'Elevator Stomach of a Transported Orca.'
I imagine that one day I will get on an airplane again.
Last time i did it was not a choice I made.
I was in my mothers womb.
Have you ever had your stomach climb up your spine while on the elevator meanwhile, you're an Orca being transported to a water park by helicopter?
This was me as a fetus traveling by airplane.
Haven't done it since.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Last time i did it was not a choice I made.
I was in my mothers womb.
Have you ever had your stomach climb up your spine while on the elevator meanwhile, you're an Orca being transported to a water park by helicopter?
This was me as a fetus traveling by airplane.
Haven't done it since.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Truth In Advertising
Some people get mad when commercials interrupt their favorite program. Others say, "I have a crush on the actor in this ad!" And maybe some people just scream, "Bad Toast!" at their fish tank while their family slowly walks away in fear. Wherever you stand on the issue of advertising, I'm sure we've all bought a product and thought, "This doesn't do what the ad says it would." Here is my response.
(and don't forget to follow my YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/BansheeMilk)
(and don't forget to follow my YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/BansheeMilk)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Hello America
I began singing before knowing what I was going to sing. Is this wise? Sure. I think so. Dancers make shit up until it "feels right". Doctors who perform breast implants throw a bunch of stuff in there until they "feel right." So guess what, Loyal followers. I rocked out this here 4th of July song until it "felt right". And boy howdy, did it! (I'm speaking, of course, to my good friend, Boy Howdy, if you are not him, I can't believe you're reading this very private correspondence.)
'Britney Spears, Thor and Skinny Puppy (The Pledge of Indifference)'
There are many Americans who would love it if we made kids do the Pledge of Allegiance every morning like we used to (I apologize if this news just caused you to take a spill and now you have a mother wallop on the old coconut). A strange but, true fact is, that there is a plethora of folks who claim to believe in the freedoms that this country should provide (like religious persecution) and then question why everybody doesn't pray to the same God.
Are all Christians like this? Of course not. But if you want the Pledge to return....you're probably a christian. My question is: "Would Christians want their children to pledge every morning to Thor? He is a god, right? So, what's the harm in pledging your undying servitude to a hammer wielding Fabio look alike who occasionally gets in a skirmish with The Incredible Hulk?"
Answer: They don't want to and should not be forced. Nor should anyone else have to swear their unrelenting obedience to a zombie carpenter who is scared of gays if they don't want to.
Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Hey, pal, majority rules. There are more Christians in our country than any other religion so we get to throw our God into wherever we want."
And yes, I have heard this argument before. But it is moot as I shall now prove with the following 2 words.
Britney Spears. I'm sure you're familiar with Britney. Pop singer. Not a big reader. Looks good wearing a snake. See, her worst selling album outsold Skinny Puppy's best selling album. Not familiar with Skinny Puppy? That's okay. They sound scary, creative and there's a good chance you wouldn't like it. But, I do. I actually prefer it to Britney's music. My question to you is this. Due to Britney having a larger fan base than Skinny Puppy, does it give her fans the right to inject samples of her music in the middle of Skinny Puppy songs I am listening to? If so, do I then have an obligation to memorize this new interrupting version, repeat it back to those who taught it to me, whilst standing with hand upon heart and staring at a flag that depicts Britney beating a car with an umbrella?
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that it does not. Skinny Puppy has the right to make their songs however they want, as does Britney. I, in turn, have the right to choose if I want to listen to either.
This 4th of July, I celebrated it correctly. I watched stuff blow up and thought about independence. A word that I am fortunate enough to know the definition of.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Are all Christians like this? Of course not. But if you want the Pledge to return....you're probably a christian. My question is: "Would Christians want their children to pledge every morning to Thor? He is a god, right? So, what's the harm in pledging your undying servitude to a hammer wielding Fabio look alike who occasionally gets in a skirmish with The Incredible Hulk?"
Answer: They don't want to and should not be forced. Nor should anyone else have to swear their unrelenting obedience to a zombie carpenter who is scared of gays if they don't want to.
Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Hey, pal, majority rules. There are more Christians in our country than any other religion so we get to throw our God into wherever we want."
And yes, I have heard this argument before. But it is moot as I shall now prove with the following 2 words.
Britney Spears. I'm sure you're familiar with Britney. Pop singer. Not a big reader. Looks good wearing a snake. See, her worst selling album outsold Skinny Puppy's best selling album. Not familiar with Skinny Puppy? That's okay. They sound scary, creative and there's a good chance you wouldn't like it. But, I do. I actually prefer it to Britney's music. My question to you is this. Due to Britney having a larger fan base than Skinny Puppy, does it give her fans the right to inject samples of her music in the middle of Skinny Puppy songs I am listening to? If so, do I then have an obligation to memorize this new interrupting version, repeat it back to those who taught it to me, whilst standing with hand upon heart and staring at a flag that depicts Britney beating a car with an umbrella?
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that it does not. Skinny Puppy has the right to make their songs however they want, as does Britney. I, in turn, have the right to choose if I want to listen to either.
This 4th of July, I celebrated it correctly. I watched stuff blow up and thought about independence. A word that I am fortunate enough to know the definition of.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Unknown Michael Jackson Facts
1. If Annie had just answered his question, MJ wouldn't have kept asking if she was okay.
2. Billie Jean was not Michael's lover. She was a grown-up lady.
3. Michael Jackson gave himself the nickname of 'The King of Pop'. Some people suggested he go by 'Mike', or 'MJ', or even 'Mikey'. But, no.
4. Contrary to popular belief, MJ did not acquire the Elephant Man's bones. Those are someone elses bones, stupid.
5. The Jackson 5 considered calling themselves the Jackson 6 whenthey met Don Knotts. He was a helluva nice guy.
6. When Bob Fosse saw MJ stealing all his fashion ideas he rolled over in his grave. Do not blame Michael, though. Someone had lifted Bob's coffin on one side just at that moment.
7. He was bad, he was bad. Jamal, you know it.
8. the 50 or so dancers who always stood behind MJ in his videos and do the same dances as him at the same pace as him just as good as him were only Dukes of Pop, I guess.
9. "We lived in a normal home," say Blanket and Bubbles publicists.
10. the initials MJ often belong to very successful people. Michael Jackson. Michael Jordan. Magic Johnson. Mel Jibson and Mickey Jouse.
written by tony santiago, all rights reserved
2. Billie Jean was not Michael's lover. She was a grown-up lady.
3. Michael Jackson gave himself the nickname of 'The King of Pop'. Some people suggested he go by 'Mike', or 'MJ', or even 'Mikey'. But, no.
4. Contrary to popular belief, MJ did not acquire the Elephant Man's bones. Those are someone elses bones, stupid.
5. The Jackson 5 considered calling themselves the Jackson 6 whenthey met Don Knotts. He was a helluva nice guy.
6. When Bob Fosse saw MJ stealing all his fashion ideas he rolled over in his grave. Do not blame Michael, though. Someone had lifted Bob's coffin on one side just at that moment.
7. He was bad, he was bad. Jamal, you know it.
8. the 50 or so dancers who always stood behind MJ in his videos and do the same dances as him at the same pace as him just as good as him were only Dukes of Pop, I guess.
9. "We lived in a normal home," say Blanket and Bubbles publicists.
10. the initials MJ often belong to very successful people. Michael Jackson. Michael Jordan. Magic Johnson. Mel Jibson and Mickey Jouse.
written by tony santiago, all rights reserved
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