"I Said Something Cool."

             A friend asked me what the difference between a comedian and a regular person with a good sense of humor is. I said, "A comedian doesn't have to put an exclamation point after a funny tweet."
I am telling you because I looked pretty badass and you would have gasped and bought me a beer or a large thing if you were there. 
            Of course, it is the kind of bullshit answer entertainers give to good questions because we are narcissists. It sounds like it should be in a quote book, huh? The kind of phrase where you might say, "That guy is awesome!! But I don't want him to come over for lunch. Ever."
           And you're right. I wouldn't even like your food probably. Well, it depends. What are you having?

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

"Burritos Prove Me Right (about the Corporation Argument)"

           People in the News keep arguing about whether or not "Corporations are people." The reason is because people think they have a right to an opinion on everything. But some things are just facts. And the fact that people are debating about whether or not corporations are people is ridiculous.
            Let me help you all out, okay?
            I just ate a burrito. If you ask me what I ate I will say the word "Burrito" or more specifically, I ate a bean burrito. While I freely admit that this means I did eat some beans, I, nor you, would phrase my answer, "I ate some beans."
           All human beings, whether they are Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians or other, call a burrito a burrito. Not "Beans." If you say "I am going to eat beans" you are referring to beans that are not in a tortilla but rather on a plate or in a bowl most likely. A can of 'Pork N Beans' is not known anywhere as a can of 'Pork N Burritos.'
           I am not stating an opinion, am I? No sir. I am stating a fact.

1.  If you examine the word 'People' then you know it is the plural form of the word 'Person'. 

2. If you examine the word 'Corporation' then you know it is NOT the plural form of the word 'Person.'

3. You can disagree with any and all political views of those around you anytime you want. You have that right. But this is not a political view. Words have definitions and corporations ARE NOT people.

          In conclusion, Beans are often in a burrito but they themselves are not a burrito. People are often in a corporation, but guess what, folks?
A CORPORATION IS NOT PEOPLE. Because it isn't.
I just proved it. Don't talk about it anymore.

 Please share this with friends until they stop saying corporations are people. Written by Tony Santiago @BansheeMilk all rights reserved.

"Ninja Warrior & Rocky Horror Titles"

         There are these shows on the G4 Network called 'Ninja Warrior' & 'American Ninja Warrior' that can be fun to watch however, I have noticed a trend in television and movies. Bad titles. These shows feature zero Ninjas. Just really athletic people hopping around. I can see them so they are not very stealthy nor do they wear the proper Ninja attire that so many boys wish they had for pajamas (usually we settle on sweatpants & a ski mask).
         I shouldn't pick on them exclusively, though. Remember in 1995, when Joel Schumacher introduced Robin into the Batman franchise (also nipples on the Batsuit)? The movie was the third in the series and it was called 'Batman Forever'. The follow-up was entitled 'Batman and Robin'. I believe and I am sure you will agree that the one that introduced Robin as Batman's new partner should have been called 'Batman and Robin' while the fourth one should have been 'Batman 4ever'.
        Giving your movie or TV show a title that doesn't fit when you know it is legal to give it a good one doesn't make sense. Forrest Gump and Rocky recognized the main characters and simply name the movies after them. Easy and logical. 'Snakes On A Plane' is not a masterpiece. But many believe that title sold at least half of their tickets. The 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' is a cult classic today but at the time of it's release it wasn't pulling in 100 million dollars or anything. If they had simply thought to call it 'The Monsters & Trannys Are Gonna Sing'? Well, only the most stuffy person could stay home.
       What do you think?

written by Tony Santiago, all right reserved.

'Movie Theater Seating'

            I had a sudden urge to vent my frustrations over my genders attitude towards Movie Theater Seating Arrangements. I am being told this is very funny and you should watch it. It includes Bloopers at the end so it's a win-win, my friends. If you don't like what I have to say, enjoy watching me fail to say it.

"Mr.V's Sardines"

            Mr.Valerio used to always eat sardines at lunchtime. The reason I know this is because instead of going to the Cafeteria with the other kids in the 4th Grade, I was often made to stay in class at lunchtime as a punishment for my behavior. I was the Class Clown.
            So I would often find myself eating my sack lunch right there, a few feet from Mr.Valerio. As I ate I would watch him unfold a napkin and lay it on his lap, then proceed to eat his sardines and occasionally I would  try to shock him by saying, "Did you know that you're not really eating Sardines?"
           "Really? What am I eating?"
           "It depends on the company and where they get their fish. But you're eating a herring or a pilchard probably. Sardine is just a generic term used for weird little fish they put in those cans."
           "Fascinating," he would chuckle. "And what are you having?"
           "A peanut butter sandwich with potato chips inside of it. Then, some Cheetos and a cookie. Oh, and Kool-Aid."
          "Did you know those Cheetos don't really have cheese on them?'
          "They have Cheese flavoring," I would say.
          "Oh, I see."
           We would stare at each other pretending to be mad until one of us would break character and laugh. I didn't really mind being in there. Mr.V, as we would often refer to him, was nice to me. He would let me watch the News with him as I ate. I appreciated it since all my other teachers up until then did not seem to like me very much. Some of them even called me names or told me I was useless.
          See, I was the kind of student who might do a silly face when everyone was being serious or sing a sentence from my social studies book operatically. This was something most teachers found unacceptable. Mr.V, on the other hand, said that the way I read was really good and got the other kids to pay attention. He said my ability to disrupt the class was matched only by my ability to guide it.
            I could be a real pain in the ass, though. My hyperactive nature coupled with voices and impressions would interrupt things like Math tests, spelling bees and Mr.V's random stories. One time, when I was being especially difficult for Mr.V he called me up to his desk and whispered a proposition.
          "If you can stay relatively quiet when I need you to for the rest of the day, I will let you do your routine for the last 10 minutes of class."
           I got him to postpone the deal until the next day as I had already begun my disruption for today and  was already "In the zone." Also, I wanted 15 minutes. Not 10. We shook on it & when I went home that night, I prepared my material for the next day. Mom and I wrote down 38 names of celebrity, cartoon and world leader impersonations I could do onto little pieces of paper and threw them into a brown paper bag. This way, my 38 classmates could draw a paper from the bag, tell me who they drew & feel like they were involved and important to the process even though, they were clearly not.
         "I don't want them to feel left out," I told Mr.V and he laughed.
         The routine went over well, as things that interrupt school work often do with children. My classmates  were even nice about the imitations depicting people they had never heard of. And Mr.V allowed me to perform regularly if I behaved which was, admittedly, rare. But on those days, man,  I felt great. Coming home happy was rare and resulted in the unusual occurrence of being asked the following question:
        "What did you learn in school today, Son?"
        "Um....The other kids don't know who Nixon is. Also, they are confused about who Jimmy Stewart is. A couple people thought he was a football player."
        "Well, that's okay," Dad would say, "Not everybody knows what everything else is."
          I hated this fact but, Dad was right.
         Not everybody knows everything.
         Some people thought being silly was useless.
         Others thought that a kid who simply needed some guidance was a bad seed.
         And a really great guy who cared about me thought that somewhere out in the ocean there swam a fish called the Sardine.

        
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
       
       
       
          
          

Evaporating Busey

            I have been asked by a follower to blow their mind today. Very well. Prepare to have thy skull opened and thy brain removed so that I may blow on it with my super breath until it is so cold you die.
Little Known Fact: If you throw actor Gary Busey at the sun it not only kills Gary but, gives the sun giant teeth. Then, the sun will look like it is going to donate 2 Scoops of raisins to your hearty bowl of bran flakes. Let that germinate in your breakfast nook.


 

Nerd Dating Tips: A nerd poem

                       This is pretty self explanatory. You know what else is? Poop. If I say that word it is like everyone knows exactly what I am talking about. Try it. Ask someone at a dinner party if they would like some Poop. 9 times out of 10 you'll get a NO and a face that tells you, "Tony was right." They never say, "Tell me more about the meaning of your question." Because Poop says it all. And yet this wonderful word is not in the dictionary? Go figure.

McDonald's VS Burger King....the final showdown

            We've all heard the political pundits and beef sandwich enthusiasts debate over which restaurant is better. But that is irrelevant.
            The real question is this: Who would win in a fight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King? Obviously, the King holds diplomatic immunity disallowing Ronald's attack legally but, let us put legality aside so that we may better understand the true implications in said battle.
            First off, a King has an army at his disposal and presumably a sword with which to annoint new Knights worthy of protecting his burger kingdom. So it is safe to assume that in hand to hand combat a King could easily reign supreme over a child loving clown.
           But, I think things are not so simple when Ronald is a card in one's deck. I believe if memory serves me correctly Ronald was in a commercial when I was a kid and he danced with a young child in celebration of friendship.  Now you might be saying to yourself, "But, Tony, this does not make one a tough opponent."
           Let me finish. In the ad, Ronald's feet produced a sparkly ray of light when he danced as though he was both Fred Astaire and Gandalf visiting the Foot Locker and he was thrilled about the sneakers he just purchased. This leads one to believe his feet at the very least could conjur up enough energy to fire lasers at the Burger Monarch. With 10 toes altogether (I assume) the rapid fire potential of these lasers could mean that Ronald's feet have the mettle and skill combination of Han Solo and Rambo. Unconvinced? Well, has it occurred to you that Mr. McDonald is of Scottish descent and that he could have the battleground savagery of a William "Braveheart" Wallace? Add all of this with the maniacal intensity of a dancing clown in what I only assume is Warpaint and we are talking about one badass restaurant mascot.
          Ah but, wait....in the Burger King commercials, the King has made it clear he has the power of stealth at his disposal. Like a ninja or a cat burglar prowling the night for goods and trinkets. He sneaks up on fools who believe they are alone all the time. Who's to say he won't slip Ronald the old prison shank during one of his merry dances.
         A strong argument. Now Ronald is friends with the Hamburglar, who possesses these same stealthy ways but, I always got the impression that the Hamburglar, like The Noid of Domino's mythos, could not be trusted. You turn your back for one second and your sandwich is gone, snatched away like so many truffles at a Pig Parade. Not to mention, the Hamburglar was always caught by the end of each ad. Doomed to fail.

         Still, can even stealth be a good argument to make against the wizardry of Ronald's feet? He could do that "Light up the sidewalk" trick of Michael Jackson's no problem. I am afraid I can't answer this dilemma for you, my friends. Nope. It is the age-old debate of who would win between the cunning warrior versus the mystical sage And I would surely be robbing you of one of life's many important lessons were I to tell  you the answer. A man has to go his own way.
         But, between you and me....Batman could take them both.

 PLEASE SHARE THIS with your friends. And subscribe to this blog as well as my YouTube channel "BansheeMilk" and you can follow me on Twitter:
Tony Santiago @BansheeMilk (this was written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved)

They Can Sell You Land On Mars Now

Finally finished my long haired movies (some of which are being cut now) and was able to cut my hair down. I prefer having short hair but it was fun for a little while. This is one of my rants. It is on real estate options in Outer Space. Please watch it and share it with friends.

"And Sometimes Y"

I woke up at 5:30 A.M. thinking there has to be a way to prove vowels wrong. A-E-I-O-U And sometimes Y? This seems like a vague rule. If you had a baby and the doctor said,"It's a boy!! And sometimes a demon" would you be okay with this answer? Me, neither. I mean, shit. And sometimes Y? What is this, a gameshow? Do I have to fill in the blank?

"And now, Tony, for 1 million dollars, how do you drive a car? And sometimes 'Why'?"
"Um...I drive it using a complex system of hand eye coordination, pedals, an engine and a steering wheel all fueled by gasoline. Oh, and sometimes I do it just so I can purchase Soap."

When is it sometimes Y? Shouldn't rules be more specific? Like, should the 10 Commandments be like "Thou shalt not kill....but sometimes go ahead." I know our government thinks that way but, should our grammatical halls of institution?
Should it be like,"The word Ball is spelled B-A-L-L and sometimes C-A-T."
I just don't understand why these rules were made so illogically before I was born and now I have to hold fast and steady. Like I'm a sniper and I have to use bullets even though Cinnamon Rolls would work just as well in the special gun that was made just for me. If I can use the Cinnamon Rolls I would think I should because a box of them is so much cheaper than a box of bullets but, then the argument turns to how do we help the economy and is the power in the hands of the consumer or the fucking bureaucrats who decided the arbitrary monitary value of a Cinnamon Roll versus bullets and I don't wanna get into that. I just wanna shoot this guy and go home because I am being paid handsomely to do so by some unseen counsel sitting high atop the throne of bullshit they sell us meanwhile, my readers are wondering why I keep capitalizing Cinnamon Rolls like they are someone's name. It's not like I've been capitalizing the word bullets so maybe I am the universes deep dark asshole and I shouldn't be judging everyone so harshly at 5:30 in the morning when I could be sleeping.

Look, the laws of capitalization were made before I was, okay? I wasn't in play yet and somehow society feels I should be included in the game. No. I write as a form of expression. Not simply the words I choose but also the methods I employ in their utilization, okay? So if it pleases me, I will capitalize Cinnamon Rolls which have brought the world a Hell of a lot more happiness than bullets and I've decided deserve that extra monicum of respect. It's not like spelling. If I get too creative in my spelling you won't even know what the Fuck I am saying.
So I will punctuate autobiographically, Thank you. And I will happily put the letter Y in a word but if you ask me what the vowels are I will tell you A-E-I-O-U and never Y because it is my piece of paper and I am in charge.


Written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved but please share it with a friend if you like it.

"My History With Rabbits."

      Traveling is something I didn't know I loved until I was about 27 or so. I had gone to Chicago to perform in a National Poetry Show. While there, I stayed with a friend's in-laws and at one point stood in their backyard reciting poetry alone. Looking down I saw that a rabbit had approached and was sitting beside me. The more I spoke the closer it got, which led me to believe it was not a critic.
         After a while I stopped talking at the air and began directing my voice to the rabbit itself.. This felt wrong somehow. Why would I recite memorized writings to a rabbit when I could speak in a more present and improvised manner? I explained to the rabbit that this wasn't usually how I spent my days and introduced myself as a "Young artist and a new father" which sounded so douchey when I heard myself saying it.
        My buddy Manuel showed up and said, "That's weird that the bunny is so friendly with you. They are usually a bit stand-offish to humans."
       "Yeah, " I said, "But so am I."

         I began mentally cataloging things the rabbit and I had in common. A similar stance, dark eyes and a lack of comfort around others. It has always been my nature to share such lists (I make many lists in my head) with whoever is around to fill the void of conversation but I didn't see a need to with the rabbit. Not because it wouldn't understand, mind you but because of a growing feeling it knew that already.
         Later that day, a buddy of mine named Matthew JC suggested that it was my "Spirit Animal", a concept which fascinated me but also embarassed me. Whenever talk goes to the subject of spirits, I giggle like a 3-year old who just heard "Boobies." Not because I was opposed to the idea or anything. I quite like ghosts and boobies and would very much enjoy the presence of either but getting in a conversation about them just leaves my mouth agape and my face looking something like Bugs Bunny when he follows a carrot hanging from a fishing line.
       The rabbit hopped away eventually but not in a frightened manner. He just looked like he had something else to do.
       To this day, I feel no certainty about what lies in wait for us in the next realm but, I know what I am doing in this one. I travel when I can because you can meet interesting characters when you do. I make stories, jokes, films, music and such with little regard for memorization. When life permits I live in the moment with what I am doing at that time and not what I was doing yesterday. And while I'm doing all of that, I will continue to think of rabbits as some of my dearest friends.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but by all means, share this with a friend.

ZOMBIES ARE REAL

This is a rant on Zombies. I love zombies but I am told if you do not that this is still entertaining. Very well. Enjoy. Please share this with your friends.

#Undateable

        In a hashtag called "Undateable" on Twitter, I saw many people give stupid reasons why someone is, in fact, undateable like "If she bitch too much" (what if someone shot her in the face? That's a good reason to bitch a lot I think) or "If he won't let me wear heels"(of course not, that is just some insecure short guy trying to control you) so I began putting my own stupid or obvious ones, jokes mainly. Like, "If you killed my mom" or "If you like don't like to drink juice". Then I read the tweet of a girl who said something along the lines of "If you don't handle yo shit like a man" to which I responded "What if he handles his shit in a dress?"
      She then retweeted my question and hilariously added "If you so stupid you got to ask this question".
I asked her if "She had seen the documentary that explain pants" which baffled her and she said "Well, aren't you a man? How do you handle your shit?"
      I immediately apologized and explained that I was from a European nation called "Briggledorn" where "Is this bad? I am afraid my shit is without handles". She typed "Hahaha" and again, retweeted my comment and I tweeted, "In my country  we are nice people but we all wear dress.The shit we handle is in bags.Government confiscates these for fuel."
      She tweeted "Oh, okay then..." suggesting she would stop being mean since I was from another land. This means she feels racism is bad but regularly practices homophobia. She showed tolerance when I pretended to be foreign and hostility when I asked about a man wearing a dress, which, of course, does not make a man gay but, did in her eyes.
      Presumably she does not know she is homophobic. Without getting too preachy, I find it strange that we categorize the myriad forms of prejudice in our society. Each one has it's own word (racism, ageism, sexism, homophobia, etc.) I think this complicates things. Maybe it should all be rolled up into one ball called "Being a dumb hateful person".
     After that, she stopped tweeting entirely. So I just saved Twitter folk from conversations with her for a little while. You're welcome. I, then, said "Thank you for teaching me ways American man behaves. I am of appreciation" or something like that. Totally exploiting her gullibility like the asshole I am. Anyway, I had a good time.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

"The Best Thing Since 1928"

          In 1928, the invention of sliced bread became commonplace and was the best thing since itself. Also in 1928, my Grandpa John was born although he hasn't really taken off yet.

        He was invented by his father's sperm and his mother's egg (respectively). But he was given up for adoption so we don't really know who they were and my full ethnicity is a bit of a mystery and could be responsible for my unusual features.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.