"And Sometimes Y"

I woke up at 5:30 A.M. thinking there has to be a way to prove vowels wrong. A-E-I-O-U And sometimes Y? This seems like a vague rule. If you had a baby and the doctor said,"It's a boy!! And sometimes a demon" would you be okay with this answer? Me, neither. I mean, shit. And sometimes Y? What is this, a gameshow? Do I have to fill in the blank?

"And now, Tony, for 1 million dollars, how do you drive a car? And sometimes 'Why'?"
"Um...I drive it using a complex system of hand eye coordination, pedals, an engine and a steering wheel all fueled by gasoline. Oh, and sometimes I do it just so I can purchase Soap."

When is it sometimes Y? Shouldn't rules be more specific? Like, should the 10 Commandments be like "Thou shalt not kill....but sometimes go ahead." I know our government thinks that way but, should our grammatical halls of institution?
Should it be like,"The word Ball is spelled B-A-L-L and sometimes C-A-T."
I just don't understand why these rules were made so illogically before I was born and now I have to hold fast and steady. Like I'm a sniper and I have to use bullets even though Cinnamon Rolls would work just as well in the special gun that was made just for me. If I can use the Cinnamon Rolls I would think I should because a box of them is so much cheaper than a box of bullets but, then the argument turns to how do we help the economy and is the power in the hands of the consumer or the fucking bureaucrats who decided the arbitrary monitary value of a Cinnamon Roll versus bullets and I don't wanna get into that. I just wanna shoot this guy and go home because I am being paid handsomely to do so by some unseen counsel sitting high atop the throne of bullshit they sell us meanwhile, my readers are wondering why I keep capitalizing Cinnamon Rolls like they are someone's name. It's not like I've been capitalizing the word bullets so maybe I am the universes deep dark asshole and I shouldn't be judging everyone so harshly at 5:30 in the morning when I could be sleeping.

Look, the laws of capitalization were made before I was, okay? I wasn't in play yet and somehow society feels I should be included in the game. No. I write as a form of expression. Not simply the words I choose but also the methods I employ in their utilization, okay? So if it pleases me, I will capitalize Cinnamon Rolls which have brought the world a Hell of a lot more happiness than bullets and I've decided deserve that extra monicum of respect. It's not like spelling. If I get too creative in my spelling you won't even know what the Fuck I am saying.
So I will punctuate autobiographically, Thank you. And I will happily put the letter Y in a word but if you ask me what the vowels are I will tell you A-E-I-O-U and never Y because it is my piece of paper and I am in charge.


Written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved but please share it with a friend if you like it.