We've all heard the political pundits and beef sandwich enthusiasts debate over which restaurant is better. But that is irrelevant.
The real question is this: Who would win in a fight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King? Obviously, the King holds diplomatic immunity disallowing Ronald's attack legally but, let us put legality aside so that we may better understand the true implications in said battle.
First off, a King has an army at his disposal and presumably a sword with which to annoint new Knights worthy of protecting his burger kingdom. So it is safe to assume that in hand to hand combat a King could easily reign supreme over a child loving clown.
But, I think things are not so simple when Ronald is a card in one's deck. I believe if memory serves me correctly Ronald was in a commercial when I was a kid and he danced with a young child in celebration of friendship. Now you might be saying to yourself, "But, Tony, this does not make one a tough opponent."
Let me finish. In the ad, Ronald's feet produced a sparkly ray of light when he danced as though he was both Fred Astaire and Gandalf visiting the Foot Locker and he was thrilled about the sneakers he just purchased. This leads one to believe his feet at the very least could conjur up enough energy to fire lasers at the Burger Monarch. With 10 toes altogether (I assume) the rapid fire potential of these lasers could mean that Ronald's feet have the mettle and skill combination of Han Solo and Rambo. Unconvinced? Well, has it occurred to you that Mr. McDonald is of Scottish descent and that he could have the battleground savagery of a William "Braveheart" Wallace? Add all of this with the maniacal intensity of a dancing clown in what I only assume is Warpaint and we are talking about one badass restaurant mascot.
Ah but, wait....in the Burger King commercials, the King has made it clear he has the power of stealth at his disposal. Like a ninja or a cat burglar prowling the night for goods and trinkets. He sneaks up on fools who believe they are alone all the time. Who's to say he won't slip Ronald the old prison shank during one of his merry dances.
A strong argument. Now Ronald is friends with the Hamburglar, who possesses these same stealthy ways but, I always got the impression that the Hamburglar, like The Noid of Domino's mythos, could not be trusted. You turn your back for one second and your sandwich is gone, snatched away like so many truffles at a Pig Parade. Not to mention, the Hamburglar was always caught by the end of each ad. Doomed to fail.
Still, can even stealth be a good argument to make against the wizardry of Ronald's feet? He could do that "Light up the sidewalk" trick of Michael Jackson's no problem. I am afraid I can't answer this dilemma for you, my friends. Nope. It is the age-old debate of who would win between the cunning warrior versus the mystical sage And I would surely be robbing you of one of life's many important lessons were I to tell you the answer. A man has to go his own way.
But, between you and me....Batman could take them both.
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Tony Santiago @BansheeMilk (this was written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved)
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