CHRISTMAS CAROL PARODIES

This is fun for you first timers to my channels, but it also serves as a sequel to one of my previous films for you returning BansheeMilk fans. Here we have the host of 'Paper Weights' from WrongCo advertising for a CD of Christmas Carols that nobody wants. Please observe and share. Merry Christmas. Featuring Guest Appearances by the one and only Professor Jonathan Barn.

CHRISTMAS MEMORIES GONE WRONG by Professor Jonathan Barn

Professor JONATHAN BARN treats us to a few very short and strange memories of Christmas Specials on TV. Problem is, Professor J.Barn is an avid drug user and his memories are not what they once were. This is one of my many characters that may bring you lots of laughs or just confuse you. Either way, I am happy. This is also the film adaptation of 2 Blogs ago. Enjoy. Share.

Defy/Tonight Music Video...Maxwell Powers & BansheeMilk

     This is a Music Video I directed & starred in for Electro-New Wave-Pop Star Maxwell Powers. He asked that any and all entries include robots and dancing. That was the only criteria (and of course one of his songs). I chose to use his song 'Defy/Tonight' and made this video about a robot, X-5000, who wants to learn about the art of human dance. He fails to find the answer indoors so he heads out into the Winter Wonderland and tries dancing out there while communing with nature. This also fails him and he goes back inside and tries his hand at inappropriate product placement in a music video. This causes him to short circuit and a chuck of his face blows off, revealing his true inner robot and he realizes he doesn't have to be like a human to have a good time. He can just be himself and dance robot style. Check out my video and listen to Maxwell Powers.

My Favorite Christmas Memories

If I remember anything vividly from my childhood it is the Christmas Specials on TV. All of which I could easily describe to you in such perfect detail you might think my brain was a tape recorder or an elephant. There was that one TV special where Frosty the Snowman captured Luke Skywalker and hung him upside down in his cave mistaking Luke for mistletoe. Remember that show? Luke cut off Frosty's arms just when the Snowman was about to eat some meat on the bone. So cute.

     That was when I started taking Prozac. Anyway, who can forget these timeless holiday classics? Like when Rudolph was discriminated against and wasn't allowed to play in any of the reindeer games because he was Jewish. I hated that part. So sad. Their noses are different, my friends, not worse.
     I remember those shows so well I feel like deep inside me there is a magical machine that plays them all back in Hi-Def. Like when Grandpa made me eat that VCR.
     And, of course, one of my favorites was the Charlie Brown one. Charlie was sad because Lucy and the gang stuffed Bruce Willis into an air duct with only a lighter to eat for Christmas. Very sad. Then the Grinch had a heart attack and dropped that big ol' sleigh on the entire population of Whoville, which I think was just The Who. That's how Keith Moon died if memory serves.
     I watched those shows every year and the impression they left on me was indelible, inedible and unEdwardable. I remember it like it was yesterday or 1985 or some other time. Santa Claus could see me when I was sleeping. He knew when I was awake. So I felt a duty to watch all of the shows that honored his one night of employment.
    Come to think of it, he is an unemployed illegal immigrant from the North Pole, huh? Breaking into our homes on  the Christ Child's special day? The Republicans are gonna be pissed if that ever occurs to them.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this. Merry Christmas!!!

Paper Weights

     Late at night, I had seen one too many Infomercials and after seeing a legion of ridiculous products I thought, "Is there any product they wouldn't push on us?" It occurred to me, if there is one, perhaps it is the Paper Weight. I may be wrong but for now, this is what I imagine that Infomercial would be like.
written by, starring and directed by Tony Santiago

STALLONE vs ARNOLD

            When I was a kid certain things were constantly compared with one another. Prince vs Michael Jackson. Coke vs Pepsi. Stallone vs Schwartzenegger. And we were told we had to care about these trivial matters by the media everyday (granted I probably would've loved it anyway as I am a sucker for trivial matters).
            Chris Rock once pointed out that the 'Prince vs Michael Jackson' debate may have been a hot-button contest back in the day but that since then, "Prince won that shit" and it is hard to argue with him on that. Never mind the fact that Prince looks great in his 50s, managed to stay alive and not have multiple child molestation charges (innocent or guilty, these cases can taint a public image). But on top of all that, Prince plays instruments, made 'Purple Rain', dates women for real (don't tell me MJ dated women privately, if JFK couldn't do it in secret, MJ couldn't either) and Prince made songs for Batman, not for Ben. Can Michael dance better? Sure. Is dancing making music? No. It is how one may respond to music while listening. Just like throwing a party and going to a party are 2 different things. Not to mention Michael's dancing, while great, I always felt was a bit over rated and here is why:
         Everybody says, "Only Michael dances like that"....really? What about the 50 guys behind him in every video who are doing the exact same dance at the exact same time? Michael is the bigger Icon perhaps, yes, but keep in mind Mickey Mouse is a bigger Icon than Bugs Bunny. Now who is funnier? Bugs clearly. Mickey has always been more cute than funny. While one can disagree with me, these are measurable strengths and weaknesses which makes it very hard to argue with. That is the only point I was trying to make just now.
          The Coke vs Pepsi debate is silly because it's purely based on one's taste and it is more difficult to measure with pinpoint accuracy which of these items is better. One may have to go with dumb points like 'What the masses prefer' but, for me that has never been a good standard to measure quality being that Britney Spears has outsold The Beatles in many markets.
          However, in my evening of nostalgia I have come to a conclusion. And that is I believe the Stallone vs Arnold argument must be put to rest. It has been a way to get drunk guys at parties angry with one another for far too long now causing pain, ridicule, premature ejaculation and busted mouths, so I'm gonna put it to bed immediately. It is time I explain how that old battle is over like this:

1. CHARACTERS: See, Stallone has 2 Iconic characters on screen, Rocky Balboa & Rambo, as does Arnold with The Terminator & Conan the Barbarian. But did Arnold create one of his? No? Stallone did. Rocky is a Stallone original. And the first Rocky film won the Oscar for best picture. No Arnold movie has even been nominated for Best Picture. Arnold is cool but, Rocky is a true dramatic independent film on par with Taxi Driver & Pulp Fiction, only it inspires people to this day..

2. NERD CRED: Here's a fact. Not everyone wants to see the kind of Macho films Stallone & Arnold are both known for. So let's put action films aside for the moment, Stallone also hosted SNL & The Muppet Show. He has made a John Landis comedy: Oscar, a James Mangold Drama: Copland and while the movie 'Rhinestone' is not a gem, Stallone had the balls to duet with Dolly Parton in it. That takes guts. What was he gonna do? Out sing her? Not a chance. In Copland we see him share the screen with De Niro and Keitel and do they blow him off the screen as one might expect? No. He matches their acting skill, beat for beat. When Stallone is too old for Action Movies, he will still be capable of great acting. Arnold? Well, we can all hope.

3. QUOTABLE: Many will argue that with lines like "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta La Vista, Baby" that Arnold is far more quotable. Not so fast. First off, "Yo Adrian" and "I'm your worst Nightmare" are on par with those. Secondly, while they both have recited famous lines, Stallone has not only spoken them but, ALSO written many for others:
"I must break you", spoken by Drago, written by Stallone.
and, perhaps, one of the greatest, actually gave Mr.T a career. "I pity the fool", spoken by Mr.T, is a line from Rocky 3 and it is written by Stallone.Would Mr.T even be famous without "I pity the fool"?

4. MACHO STATUS: Arnold is a bigger guy, yes. But, Stallone made 'First Blood' the first Rambo film, before Arnold had ever made an Action Picture. It is considered by many film historians the first true action movie. Arnold, Chuck Norris and just about every other action star has been remaking Rambo ever since. What are movies like 'Commando', 'Missing In Action' and 'Red Scorpion' if not Rambo remakes essentially? Stallone has more stunts under his belt, is far more ripped at 65 than Arnold is at 63 and, as long as we are on the subject of Macho Status, has bedded legions of great looking starlets when Arnold was impregnating his housekeeper.

5. POWER: You know that movie, THE EXPENDABLES? Guess who called the shots. "Directed By Stallone", my friends. He told Arnold, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke and more where to stand, what to say and when to say it. Often at the same time. They bowed to his call. As all should. For if we do not, my friends, we are all doomed.

6. ARTISTIC CREDIBILITY: This was already covered a bit before, but yes, Stallone wins this one. He has opened an art exhibit of his paintings which are quite good. Written films, poetry and...um...did I mention The Muppets? Some of the directors he has collaborated with are John Huston, Robert Rodriguez, John Landis, James Mangold, and Norman Jewison. And say what you will about Judge Dredd, but the soundtrack features The Cure, The The, & Cocteau Twins, bands no other muscle-bound actor could attract.

7. LIBERAL POINT SHEET: Most Action stars do not have the balls to wear women's clothing in fear it may make them seem gay. And if they do, it tends to be in a joke-y manner like Wesley Snipes in 'Too Wong Foo' or Kurt Russell in 'Tango & Cash'. But STALLONE, a muscle-bound republican Action Star, played a character who only can succeed in catching the bad guys when he is cross dressing. Watch a movie called 'NIGHTHAWKS'. It is truly great 70s Cinema (despite being made in 1980 or so). Stallone plays Deke DeSilva, a cop who from my examination fails at everything in his life, career and marriage when he wraps himself up in the normal macho garb of the time (which meant having an awesome beard and a Rocky meets Serpico look). But whenever STALLONE crossdresses in the film, he can save the day. It is like he is Popeye and a nice evening gown is his Spinach. Okay, here is the truth. I am an uber-liberal. Yes, it is bad. I want to protect trees, whales and once in a while, even children. In my journey as a Comedian, Poet, Liberal Arts type, I have met many a Stallone Hater. Stallone and Arnold are Republicans, But Stallone is not the "Let's get rid of gays and everyone who scares us" types we are so used to these days. He's the old school "let's get government out of our face and go have a beer" type. Is that so unforgivable?
         

      Am I suggesting you should like Stallone more? Yes, I am not demanding it, but, I am totally 100% suggesting it. Let's face it, in the artsy crowds many of us have run with, saying you are a Stallone fan is like saying you enjoy having Slim Jims for dinner. But as a fan, I can tell you, they just don't get it. Yes, he has made throw away entertainment at times but he has made legitimate art on occasion as well. (I, for one, do not think someone is evil when they make throw away entertainment by the way). They judge the guy for his failures instead of his successes, something they would never do for someone they loved like John Malkovich (I love him too folks, but it isn't all 'Being John Malkovich'...sometimes it's Con-Air) These fake art-fans are also among the first to defend someone skinny or fat who is picked on for their physique (a very honorable thing to do) but will shit on a person who has large muscles. Silly and hypocritical.
     I actually dated a girl in High School who was a super nice girl, but after seeing 'Cliffhanger' and only 'Cliffhanger' she decided he sucked. I submit to you, what if the only Malkovich film you ever saw was Con-Air? Would you be convinced he was one of the great thespians of our time? How about John Cusack? Do you think of a gem like 'High Fidelity' or a stinker like 2012? We should base our opinions on stars we don't know personally on their best work, not their worst. I was about 14 in the late 80s/early 90s, when Muscular Stars like Arnold & Stallone dominated the multi-plex and yes, I, like most boys bought many a ticket. Some of these movies were awful and unwatchable. Some were great. But after weighing the pros and cons, studying the facts, I can tell you with great ease.....Stallone won that shit.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. This is copyrighted but please share it with your friends.
     

Vampires & Mermaids

Aside from the usual Sexual Fetishes people have (feet, food, household appliances) I have noticed 2 that nobody seems to want to talk about. Don't worry, I don't get filthy in this video. I simply address a strange trend for the last 100 years of MONSTER FETISHES.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please share this with as many people as you can.

8 Things I Am Thankful For

Well, it's Thanksgiving. That time of year when you see stuffing and despite it's features...you eat some.
That time we all go over the list of things we are thankful for. Here's mine:

1. I rarely see El Caminos anymore. Such a dumb vehicle. Is it a car? Is it a truck? I don't know. And in spanish, El Camino means 'The Road' or 'The Path'. You're starting to hate it now, huh?

2. We live in a world where a quick search may turn up good music or Tacos.

3. The DVR on my cable allows me to fast forward past musical performances in the Macy's Day parade.

4. Turkey comes in differnt colors, like dark meat, light meat and Indigo.

5. Stuffing can be used to stuff anything. Turkeys, ducks, the bodies in my TuffShed.

6. Santa is preparing for Christmas as we speak. Also, he is in preparation for the final war between the robots and the zombies who lay waste to one another through lasers and biting. (This may have been a dream I had)

7. Dogs and Cats have yet to merge sexually to create a terrible animal called a cog, or a dat. Or a Banky BooNoo. (I can't be in charge of naming it, okay?)

8. As the weather gets colder Mailmen wear funny hats.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

written by Tony Santiago

Awesome Facts About Having A Shopping Cart

This is a list of awesome things about having a shopping cart. Don't believe me? Watch it, fool.

'The Longest Lasting Youth Movement."

       I read a wrong article just now that suggested the "Hipster Movement" (which I believe does not exist) is the longest lasting youth movement ever. After pooping out a small bicycle in shock at the authors inability to see anything not white, I thought, "What about the Hip Hop movement? They've been going strong since the late 70s/early 80s. I would argue they exist and have therefore been a longer lasting movement." The reason, I feel, is that they are in a constant state of flux.
      When something changes before your eyes it is bound to maintain a passionate hold on people or at the very least a fanbase. This is why nobody looks away during the Werewolf transformation scenes in movies. Whether the effects are good or crappy, everybody watches change. Goths have been around just as long, you say? Yeah, but they were never really a movement. Think about it. Bands that are grouped into that genre like The Cure, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Bauhaus and Joy Division were never really goth bands. They were just rock bands who had a look that, at the time, was refreshing to sad kids who owned candles and had religion pushed on them at a young age. This same look seemed dangerous to adults (who hated the sad nature of the songs despite their love of 'Stairway To Heaven', a song angels cut themselves to...I have it on good authority) which made the goth look catch on, although never with a majority of kids so it couldn't be large enough to be a movement (this look was not shared by Joy Division who looked more like The Shins than like Dracula and whose influence can now be heard in such bands as Interpol). By the late 90s, when kids began wearing shirts that stated "I'm a goth" and Marilyn Manson (whose music was closer to Metal than "goth-y" stuff) began driving cars with a license plate that said "Goth Gangsta" it was just a way to sell stickers at Hot Topic. A joke. There was no movement because they lacked the numbers and a strong agenda (their agenda, I believe, was "Don't you hate Christmas Songs and bubbly people?"). This is not the case with hip hop.
      The Hip Hop movement has an agenda. Granted, it changes with the seasons. For a while it was a sense of community seen in block parties with DJs and MCs doing call and response shows in the street. Then came the gangsta era(this is the only era acknowledged by Republicans), followed by the gentler De La Soul/Tribe era which harkened back to the original era and now we are in the phase of an Uber-Capitalist era of strangely large watches. When I was a little kid, a guy in sweatpants and Adidas was cool. Now, that guy would be laughed at and called a homeless beggar in today's bling-bling rap culture. That will change, too, in time and I think we are seeing those changes beginning already.
     None of this matters at all to me. I am only suggesting that when a mindset changes over time, it strengthens. The goths and the hippies held onto a feeling so tightly that they seemed like statues. Immovable and unattractive. This does not mean there are no hippies or goths. Just that they are spread out. Hiding in pockets near smoke shops and waffle houses. Hip Hop culture is everywhere. Their beats can be heard in modern country songs, goth songs, and hamburger ads. The penguin baby in the ad for 'Happy Feet 2' is singing LL Cool J, not Arcade Fire.
     How can one suggest that Hipsters, who again, seem to just be nice kids living near universities with light beards and a plaid shirt are a movement at all, much less one that has out lasted the hip hop movement which started in the 70s?
     And before you think I am biased to one group and cannot give an honest opinion, consider this: I HATE BEING IN A GROUP. I despise the very concept of "Joining" anything. Once you start thinking you belong to a group, the idea of a uniform or a logo on your person doesn't bother you. I will gladly lose a friend, a job, or an oppurtunity before I will relegate my body to someone else's billboard. If I advertise on my body, it will be with something of my choosing.
     'But Tony,' I can almost hear you say despite my ever growing wax build-up, 'You love many "Goth" bands, aren't you a goth? You've competed in Beat-Box competitions, aren't you hip hop? You preach for equality and open-mindedness, aren't you a bit hippie?"
     No, my friends, no.
     I am none of these things.
     I am just an asshole with an agenda. But unlike all of these groups, I admit it.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but please post this. Share it. Be a buddy.

CIA OFFICIAL COOKIE REVEALED

This is my CIA Training Video explaining the rules of how to stay in the CIA, what to do if you leave, and yes, folks, finally, revealed here for the first time: The Official Cookie Of The CIA. Can you guess what it is?

Too Hip To Hate Hipsters

        Ironically enough, it would appear to be quite hip to hate hipsters lately. I'm sure I would join in but, I don't know what a hipster is. And it seems those who abhore them are not quite certain either being that when I ask anyone 'What is a hipster' I get a different answer almost every time.
       This is not to say that I dislike those who dislike hipsters, or that I, in turn love hipsters. Nope. I simply do not know what a hipster is. All I can tell from people's tones is that I am supposed to hate them. Here, for your entertainment, are just some of the definitions I've heard. I've chosen the most common answers I've heard so as not to take up all your time:

1.  Someone who liked something before it was "cool" and becomes resentful of those who grow to like the same thing later. If this is what a hipster is, I think there is a problem with hating these people. Let's say you loved a band (to avoid any preconceived notions of "coolness" or "lameness" I shall make up a band: BARN TOAD) and when you talked about how awesome BARN TOAD was, nobody listened or they acted like you were dumb for liking such an unknown band. Then, BARN TOAD did a song for the soundtrack of HENRY THE GREAT FACE (I made up this movie, too) and they exploded, showing up on every depressed kids T-Shirt and when you went to a party people would come up and act as they though they were the greatest source for BARN TOAD knowledge there ever was. They even talk down to you as though you've never liked them when you liked them "Before it was cool to like them". Then you get called a hipster because everyone else jumped on the bandwagon whereas you researched enough to know about them when everyone else was waiting to be told by the media that it was now time to like this band. I could see getting peeved about that. Why would I hate you for that? Next.
2. I have also heard some say a hipster is someone who just doesn't like ANYTHING that is popular yet LOVES anything that is not popular. Clearly, there are better ways to judge something. However, there are worse ways, too. What if someone only liked something if it smelled of rotted beef? That would be worse, gang. Plus, most of the world is dumb. So while not everything popular is dumb, most things are. Why? Because they were chosen by "the masses", the same group of folks who got really excited when they realized they could say "Yeah Baby" well enough to be recognized as someone who, indeed, had watched Austin Powers. The idea I keep hearing is, "Yeah, Tony, but these people are just pretending to not like popular things so that they will seem cool." You don't know that. You can't see into their brain. Maybe they genuinely feel that way.  I don't see any reason to hate someone because they like unpopular things. 

     Now maybe I have heard wrong. Maybe these rules of thumb do not define what a hipster is at all. But if I heard right, I see the hatred as just another form of the popular kids beating up on the nerds. I know, I know. The nerds say they are not hipsters. But nowadays, few who say they are nerds actually are. For the first time in history, being called a "nerd" is not such a bad thing. But what I am noticing is that is because we have stretched the definition to mean anyone with a deep interest in something. When I was growing up, the kid who smelled funny, memorized the Table of Elements and collected dead butterflies was a nerd and people were mean to him because he was different. Now, I hear people say they are a nerd because they bought a Star Wars Coffee Mug. Really? I don't think so. Maybe when I was a kid and loving Star Wars meant you loved 3 movies and a line of Kenner Action Figures. But now, after 6 movies, a cartoon show, thousands of parodies online and in various forms of media, Star Wars is huge, awesome and beloved by even more millions than before. Now if you got a 'Legend of Boggy Creek' mug, a 'Buckaroo Banzai' toy, or a 'Teen Witch' purse...maybe then I would've called you a nerd (and wanted to hang out).
    See, what happened, I think, is society noticed on some subconscious level that the marginalized people, while ridiculed regularly, seemed to be defended sometimes in the media. They felt left out. They wanted to get the sympathy. So now the cool kids have to pretend to be nerds and dis the Actual Nerds who like the unpopular things to continue the same "let's pick on egghead" game that's been getting played for centuries.
     In conclusion, the smart kids, i.e. the REAL nerds, they love the stuff that gets them mocked. Nowadays if I am understanding things correctly, they are called Hipsters...or is it nerds? I can't tell. All I do know is, they are the ones with the BARN TOAD shirt all by themselves at the party. All they have to do is wait until the mainstream kids fall in line, change and allow the mainstream to accommodate them and begin to like BARN TOAD, too. Then, the nerd can forgive them for their stupidity. Or Hell....if he harbors any resentment, he can just fire them.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. Follow me on Twitter @BansheeMilk
   

How To Talk To Animals

This is me testing to see if a "very realistic" cat will respond positively to sweet talk. I am Tony Santiago. I am talking to it.  It is talking to me.  I suppose that makes this a cat video.

12 Facts You Didn't Know About Tony Curtis

1. Tony Curtis was in the classic comedy 'Some Like It Hot', a film that, in reality, only showcased the lifestyles of those who like things hot. At the time of it's release, many rallies were held protesting the lack of characters who enjoy things cold but it was the 50s. Sadly, their cries went unheard by Tony Curtis even, who was wearing earmuffs at the time.
2. Tony's daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis had a nervous breakdown due to stress caused by reading the title page on the script for her film 'True Lies', convulsing in in pain and screaming "How can lies be true?!?" Luckily her father was there to stare at her and roll his eyes.
3. On the set of 'Operation Petticoat', Tony Curtis told Cary Grant that they should have a handsome contest to see who would win. Cary agreed and began combing his hair frantically. Tony did the same and rumor has it the heat generated by their scorching good looks caused the cameras on the set to stop working. Other rumors persist that the cameramen were simply annoyed and turned off the cameras. There is no footage and we may never know.
4. The death of Tony Curtis came as a complete shock to both his adoring fans AND his body which up until that point had always been alive.
5. Tony Curtis was not given his name by accident. His TONE was often CURT, and he had on more than one occasion used the word IS in a sentence. However it took years for his parents to notice these quirks so until the age of 3 he went by the name 'Baby Who Coos Rather Nicely'.
6. The 'It' referred to in the title 'Some Like It Hot' was Fried Chicken.
7. Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis did not get along on the set of their hit film 'The Defiant Ones'. This was mostly due to the fact that Tony Curtis wanted to play "The Black Guy".
8. The movie 'The Vikings' starred Tony Curtis and Kirk Douglas and is considered to be a classic. The culture 'The Vikings', starred a bunch of giant bearded men who drank mead and laughed heartily whilst on boats that looked like dragons. This has been, "What I Know About Vikings" with your pal, Tony Santiago. Thanks for joining us.
9. Upon his death, Tony Curtis had always known that his eternal soul would would ascend to Heaven on a field of translucent light, basking in it's beautiful amber glow as Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World" played gently on harps of grace. Tony Curtis was wrong, though. Heaven only plays recordings of Buckner & Garcia's "Pac-Man Fever' repeatedly. Go to Hell if you don't like it.
10. Tony Curtis was, at one time, married to actress Janet Leigh, who was perhaps best known for her role in Alfred Hitchcock's 'PSYCHO' in which she played the timeless character of "Showers McStab-Stab."
11. It is not uncommon for older people who watch 'Some Like It Hot'  to comment 2 or even 3 times about the fact that Tony Curtis looked better in drag than his costar Jack Lemmon. Scientists believe that this is no coincidence, that there is a logical explanation and that is: "Old people are all kind of sketchy and gay."
12. Tony Curtis would like us to remember him for his performances both on and off screen and not for how awesome his daughters boobs were in the 80s and 90s. She's all about that poop yogurt now, huh? I mean yogurt that helps you poop, not yogurt made from poop. Why would she be into that? that's just crazy talk. Remember that part in 'Trading Places' when she took her top off? Dan Akroyd was getting paid. He was at work that day!! Can you believe that? I bet he couldn't stop high-fiving people all day. Also, he was in Ghostbusters. R.I.P. Tony Curtis.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. 

CANDY BOY

                      This is a kid-friendly poem/cartoon I made for Halloween. It's about a boy made of Candy who wants to go Trick or Treating but it is a difficult endeavor. Share it with your friends!
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

Head For A Useful hat.

Head for the door.
I bought it at a Hobby Shop and I think it goes well.
Head for the door.
The wrong way to deal with a problem.
Head for a useful hat.
To fill it with skull and give it purpose.
Head for a useful hat.
And put it on.
You look like a cure for what ails me, baby.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights.

DARTH VADER CARVES A PUMPKIN

Lord Darth Vader carves a pumpkin. I'm sure you can guess the cool way he does it. But can you guess what design he carves??? No, you cannot. So check it out.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, share this with friends

Halloween Costumes QUICK!

     I thought about wearing my Andy Rooney getup for Halloween. Then I pondered being Nick Nolte or Noam Chomsky. Halloween is easy for hippies, I bet. They already kinda act like zombies. Just put some fake blood at the mouth and they're ready to go. I probably won't dress up but if I do, here are some options I am pondering:
1. Burt Reynolds.
2. The Ghost Steve Jobs (he's a friendly ghost)
3. Batman Eating Toast (I like keeping toast with me)
4. Sanchez (a guy I just made up so I could walk around doing a cool spanish accent)

     I have never understood why some costumes are considered "Wrong" to do. Like Hitler. Sure he's evil. But so is Dracula. Now some may argue, "Hey Tony, Hitler was real. Dracula is not."
Fine. Then what about Vlad the Impaler, a real guy that Dracula was based on. Nobody would get mad at that yet, Hitler is not cool? I don't wanna dress up as Hitler. I just think it should be allowed.
Really, I want to be Orville Redenbacher. Like Batman, he was a good guy who could come off a tad creepy. (Cuz he would chew as he stared into the camera smiling.)

written by Tony Santiago, share this, Dammit!

Tombstone

These are Tombstone engravings I came up with that I think people should consider using next time they die. They are funnier or more interesting. written by Tony Santiago

'National Human Man'

Give me your tired,

Your poor,

And don't ask for them back because I love them and value this gift too much to ever part with it.

You...the people,

 Have nothing to do it seems than act as contrails to your leaders afterburners,

Recoil in horror at my every attempt to bring a little lunacy to your accepted sanity.

I can't help but take normality as a rejection of all that I am.
You are an army without ever signing up.

Be all that you are.

What you can be will follow.

written by Tony Santiago, October 25, 2010

Andy Rooney Retires Part 2

And here is Part 2 of me as Andy Rooney.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

The Negotiation of a Curb Approaching October

He lifts his foot to the curb as though it is a wrecking ball.
Trying to kiss a paper plate balancing on an upright toothpick.
It is like King Kong is nervous to reach the top of the Empire State Building (for he knows about the planes).
Only the planes don't come.
And we are laughing.
Though nothing is funny.
We want to cry.
Though nothing is sad.
And the sin of pride becomes a beautiful thing.
At the top of the Empire State Building.
Where King Kong is two.
Where his fathers heart swells when his son can step up onto the curb.
All by himself.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

Andy Rooney Retires Part 1

This is Part 1 of my Andy Rooney series of sketches featuring myself as the famous 60 Minutes Curmudgeon. Andy goes off on some strange tangents.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

"Schrodinger's Cat VS. Burt Reynold's Mustache."

"A cat is placed in a box, together with a radioactive atom. If the atom decays, a hammer kills the cat; if the atom does not decay, the cat lives. As the atom is considered to be in either state before the observer opens the box, the cat must thus be considered to be simultaneously dead and alive."-Erwin Schrodinger's Cat Paradox, 1935.

The passage you just read was an obvious, even direct, influence to my own scientific discovery many of you may recall from a few years back.

Burt Reynolds, after his divorce from Loni Anderson, met a much younger woman named Janet and desired her. She initially feigned disinterest in Reynolds sexual advances as she claimed to not be "attracted to older moustachioed men." Upon his persistent come ons and and attempted mounts, she did, however, at least, partially reconsider. Janet stated to Burt that she would consider having sex with him were he to meet her halfway and shave his mustache.

Burt, in a fit of horniness and bruised ego, races into the bathroom and locks the door. In this bathroom, lies a titanium razor (capable of temporarily shaving off his mustache) and a titanium mirror (capable of temporarily reflecting back his own image). Janet knew he was either shaving off the mustache and washing the hairs down the titanium pipes so he could make love to her OR he was looking at himself in the mirror and defiantly leaving the mustache on his face. Just as Janet herself would be in mere minutes.

As the mustache is considered by Janet to be in either state before Burt opens the bathroom, the mustache must thus be considered to be simultaneously on and off Burt Reynolds face.

My theory ends there of course, because history tells us that he later walked out of the bathroom with his mustache, told Janet she was stupid and made sweet love to her much better looking sister who subsequently could fly for about 20 minutes. While the aforementioned paradox has brought me world wide fame, it has also angered the scientific community as well as Burt Reynolds who is suing me for defamation of mustache.

In order to avoid legal trouble, it must be said that my story was only a theory and in no way is an accurate depiction of the mustache, which continues an indestructible residence upon the mighty visage of one Mr. Burt Reynolds.


.....written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, 2010

Operation

I hope real surgeons do not have as much sex at work as the ones on the Greys Anatomy television program.
I don't wanna get sperm in my surgery holes.
Also, I think the game "OPERATION" should come out with a Grey's Anatomy version.
And you have to use those tweezer things to pluck out little unwanted boners.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. But please share this.

"I Said Something Cool."

             A friend asked me what the difference between a comedian and a regular person with a good sense of humor is. I said, "A comedian doesn't have to put an exclamation point after a funny tweet."
I am telling you because I looked pretty badass and you would have gasped and bought me a beer or a large thing if you were there. 
            Of course, it is the kind of bullshit answer entertainers give to good questions because we are narcissists. It sounds like it should be in a quote book, huh? The kind of phrase where you might say, "That guy is awesome!! But I don't want him to come over for lunch. Ever."
           And you're right. I wouldn't even like your food probably. Well, it depends. What are you having?

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

"Burritos Prove Me Right (about the Corporation Argument)"

           People in the News keep arguing about whether or not "Corporations are people." The reason is because people think they have a right to an opinion on everything. But some things are just facts. And the fact that people are debating about whether or not corporations are people is ridiculous.
            Let me help you all out, okay?
            I just ate a burrito. If you ask me what I ate I will say the word "Burrito" or more specifically, I ate a bean burrito. While I freely admit that this means I did eat some beans, I, nor you, would phrase my answer, "I ate some beans."
           All human beings, whether they are Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians or other, call a burrito a burrito. Not "Beans." If you say "I am going to eat beans" you are referring to beans that are not in a tortilla but rather on a plate or in a bowl most likely. A can of 'Pork N Beans' is not known anywhere as a can of 'Pork N Burritos.'
           I am not stating an opinion, am I? No sir. I am stating a fact.

1.  If you examine the word 'People' then you know it is the plural form of the word 'Person'. 

2. If you examine the word 'Corporation' then you know it is NOT the plural form of the word 'Person.'

3. You can disagree with any and all political views of those around you anytime you want. You have that right. But this is not a political view. Words have definitions and corporations ARE NOT people.

          In conclusion, Beans are often in a burrito but they themselves are not a burrito. People are often in a corporation, but guess what, folks?
A CORPORATION IS NOT PEOPLE. Because it isn't.
I just proved it. Don't talk about it anymore.

 Please share this with friends until they stop saying corporations are people. Written by Tony Santiago @BansheeMilk all rights reserved.

"Ninja Warrior & Rocky Horror Titles"

         There are these shows on the G4 Network called 'Ninja Warrior' & 'American Ninja Warrior' that can be fun to watch however, I have noticed a trend in television and movies. Bad titles. These shows feature zero Ninjas. Just really athletic people hopping around. I can see them so they are not very stealthy nor do they wear the proper Ninja attire that so many boys wish they had for pajamas (usually we settle on sweatpants & a ski mask).
         I shouldn't pick on them exclusively, though. Remember in 1995, when Joel Schumacher introduced Robin into the Batman franchise (also nipples on the Batsuit)? The movie was the third in the series and it was called 'Batman Forever'. The follow-up was entitled 'Batman and Robin'. I believe and I am sure you will agree that the one that introduced Robin as Batman's new partner should have been called 'Batman and Robin' while the fourth one should have been 'Batman 4ever'.
        Giving your movie or TV show a title that doesn't fit when you know it is legal to give it a good one doesn't make sense. Forrest Gump and Rocky recognized the main characters and simply name the movies after them. Easy and logical. 'Snakes On A Plane' is not a masterpiece. But many believe that title sold at least half of their tickets. The 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' is a cult classic today but at the time of it's release it wasn't pulling in 100 million dollars or anything. If they had simply thought to call it 'The Monsters & Trannys Are Gonna Sing'? Well, only the most stuffy person could stay home.
       What do you think?

written by Tony Santiago, all right reserved.

'Movie Theater Seating'

            I had a sudden urge to vent my frustrations over my genders attitude towards Movie Theater Seating Arrangements. I am being told this is very funny and you should watch it. It includes Bloopers at the end so it's a win-win, my friends. If you don't like what I have to say, enjoy watching me fail to say it.

"Mr.V's Sardines"

            Mr.Valerio used to always eat sardines at lunchtime. The reason I know this is because instead of going to the Cafeteria with the other kids in the 4th Grade, I was often made to stay in class at lunchtime as a punishment for my behavior. I was the Class Clown.
            So I would often find myself eating my sack lunch right there, a few feet from Mr.Valerio. As I ate I would watch him unfold a napkin and lay it on his lap, then proceed to eat his sardines and occasionally I would  try to shock him by saying, "Did you know that you're not really eating Sardines?"
           "Really? What am I eating?"
           "It depends on the company and where they get their fish. But you're eating a herring or a pilchard probably. Sardine is just a generic term used for weird little fish they put in those cans."
           "Fascinating," he would chuckle. "And what are you having?"
           "A peanut butter sandwich with potato chips inside of it. Then, some Cheetos and a cookie. Oh, and Kool-Aid."
          "Did you know those Cheetos don't really have cheese on them?'
          "They have Cheese flavoring," I would say.
          "Oh, I see."
           We would stare at each other pretending to be mad until one of us would break character and laugh. I didn't really mind being in there. Mr.V, as we would often refer to him, was nice to me. He would let me watch the News with him as I ate. I appreciated it since all my other teachers up until then did not seem to like me very much. Some of them even called me names or told me I was useless.
          See, I was the kind of student who might do a silly face when everyone was being serious or sing a sentence from my social studies book operatically. This was something most teachers found unacceptable. Mr.V, on the other hand, said that the way I read was really good and got the other kids to pay attention. He said my ability to disrupt the class was matched only by my ability to guide it.
            I could be a real pain in the ass, though. My hyperactive nature coupled with voices and impressions would interrupt things like Math tests, spelling bees and Mr.V's random stories. One time, when I was being especially difficult for Mr.V he called me up to his desk and whispered a proposition.
          "If you can stay relatively quiet when I need you to for the rest of the day, I will let you do your routine for the last 10 minutes of class."
           I got him to postpone the deal until the next day as I had already begun my disruption for today and  was already "In the zone." Also, I wanted 15 minutes. Not 10. We shook on it & when I went home that night, I prepared my material for the next day. Mom and I wrote down 38 names of celebrity, cartoon and world leader impersonations I could do onto little pieces of paper and threw them into a brown paper bag. This way, my 38 classmates could draw a paper from the bag, tell me who they drew & feel like they were involved and important to the process even though, they were clearly not.
         "I don't want them to feel left out," I told Mr.V and he laughed.
         The routine went over well, as things that interrupt school work often do with children. My classmates  were even nice about the imitations depicting people they had never heard of. And Mr.V allowed me to perform regularly if I behaved which was, admittedly, rare. But on those days, man,  I felt great. Coming home happy was rare and resulted in the unusual occurrence of being asked the following question:
        "What did you learn in school today, Son?"
        "Um....The other kids don't know who Nixon is. Also, they are confused about who Jimmy Stewart is. A couple people thought he was a football player."
        "Well, that's okay," Dad would say, "Not everybody knows what everything else is."
          I hated this fact but, Dad was right.
         Not everybody knows everything.
         Some people thought being silly was useless.
         Others thought that a kid who simply needed some guidance was a bad seed.
         And a really great guy who cared about me thought that somewhere out in the ocean there swam a fish called the Sardine.

        
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved
       
       
       
          
          

Evaporating Busey

            I have been asked by a follower to blow their mind today. Very well. Prepare to have thy skull opened and thy brain removed so that I may blow on it with my super breath until it is so cold you die.
Little Known Fact: If you throw actor Gary Busey at the sun it not only kills Gary but, gives the sun giant teeth. Then, the sun will look like it is going to donate 2 Scoops of raisins to your hearty bowl of bran flakes. Let that germinate in your breakfast nook.


 

Nerd Dating Tips: A nerd poem

                       This is pretty self explanatory. You know what else is? Poop. If I say that word it is like everyone knows exactly what I am talking about. Try it. Ask someone at a dinner party if they would like some Poop. 9 times out of 10 you'll get a NO and a face that tells you, "Tony was right." They never say, "Tell me more about the meaning of your question." Because Poop says it all. And yet this wonderful word is not in the dictionary? Go figure.

McDonald's VS Burger King....the final showdown

            We've all heard the political pundits and beef sandwich enthusiasts debate over which restaurant is better. But that is irrelevant.
            The real question is this: Who would win in a fight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King? Obviously, the King holds diplomatic immunity disallowing Ronald's attack legally but, let us put legality aside so that we may better understand the true implications in said battle.
            First off, a King has an army at his disposal and presumably a sword with which to annoint new Knights worthy of protecting his burger kingdom. So it is safe to assume that in hand to hand combat a King could easily reign supreme over a child loving clown.
           But, I think things are not so simple when Ronald is a card in one's deck. I believe if memory serves me correctly Ronald was in a commercial when I was a kid and he danced with a young child in celebration of friendship.  Now you might be saying to yourself, "But, Tony, this does not make one a tough opponent."
           Let me finish. In the ad, Ronald's feet produced a sparkly ray of light when he danced as though he was both Fred Astaire and Gandalf visiting the Foot Locker and he was thrilled about the sneakers he just purchased. This leads one to believe his feet at the very least could conjur up enough energy to fire lasers at the Burger Monarch. With 10 toes altogether (I assume) the rapid fire potential of these lasers could mean that Ronald's feet have the mettle and skill combination of Han Solo and Rambo. Unconvinced? Well, has it occurred to you that Mr. McDonald is of Scottish descent and that he could have the battleground savagery of a William "Braveheart" Wallace? Add all of this with the maniacal intensity of a dancing clown in what I only assume is Warpaint and we are talking about one badass restaurant mascot.
          Ah but, wait....in the Burger King commercials, the King has made it clear he has the power of stealth at his disposal. Like a ninja or a cat burglar prowling the night for goods and trinkets. He sneaks up on fools who believe they are alone all the time. Who's to say he won't slip Ronald the old prison shank during one of his merry dances.
         A strong argument. Now Ronald is friends with the Hamburglar, who possesses these same stealthy ways but, I always got the impression that the Hamburglar, like The Noid of Domino's mythos, could not be trusted. You turn your back for one second and your sandwich is gone, snatched away like so many truffles at a Pig Parade. Not to mention, the Hamburglar was always caught by the end of each ad. Doomed to fail.

         Still, can even stealth be a good argument to make against the wizardry of Ronald's feet? He could do that "Light up the sidewalk" trick of Michael Jackson's no problem. I am afraid I can't answer this dilemma for you, my friends. Nope. It is the age-old debate of who would win between the cunning warrior versus the mystical sage And I would surely be robbing you of one of life's many important lessons were I to tell  you the answer. A man has to go his own way.
         But, between you and me....Batman could take them both.

 PLEASE SHARE THIS with your friends. And subscribe to this blog as well as my YouTube channel "BansheeMilk" and you can follow me on Twitter:
Tony Santiago @BansheeMilk (this was written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved)

They Can Sell You Land On Mars Now

Finally finished my long haired movies (some of which are being cut now) and was able to cut my hair down. I prefer having short hair but it was fun for a little while. This is one of my rants. It is on real estate options in Outer Space. Please watch it and share it with friends.

"And Sometimes Y"

I woke up at 5:30 A.M. thinking there has to be a way to prove vowels wrong. A-E-I-O-U And sometimes Y? This seems like a vague rule. If you had a baby and the doctor said,"It's a boy!! And sometimes a demon" would you be okay with this answer? Me, neither. I mean, shit. And sometimes Y? What is this, a gameshow? Do I have to fill in the blank?

"And now, Tony, for 1 million dollars, how do you drive a car? And sometimes 'Why'?"
"Um...I drive it using a complex system of hand eye coordination, pedals, an engine and a steering wheel all fueled by gasoline. Oh, and sometimes I do it just so I can purchase Soap."

When is it sometimes Y? Shouldn't rules be more specific? Like, should the 10 Commandments be like "Thou shalt not kill....but sometimes go ahead." I know our government thinks that way but, should our grammatical halls of institution?
Should it be like,"The word Ball is spelled B-A-L-L and sometimes C-A-T."
I just don't understand why these rules were made so illogically before I was born and now I have to hold fast and steady. Like I'm a sniper and I have to use bullets even though Cinnamon Rolls would work just as well in the special gun that was made just for me. If I can use the Cinnamon Rolls I would think I should because a box of them is so much cheaper than a box of bullets but, then the argument turns to how do we help the economy and is the power in the hands of the consumer or the fucking bureaucrats who decided the arbitrary monitary value of a Cinnamon Roll versus bullets and I don't wanna get into that. I just wanna shoot this guy and go home because I am being paid handsomely to do so by some unseen counsel sitting high atop the throne of bullshit they sell us meanwhile, my readers are wondering why I keep capitalizing Cinnamon Rolls like they are someone's name. It's not like I've been capitalizing the word bullets so maybe I am the universes deep dark asshole and I shouldn't be judging everyone so harshly at 5:30 in the morning when I could be sleeping.

Look, the laws of capitalization were made before I was, okay? I wasn't in play yet and somehow society feels I should be included in the game. No. I write as a form of expression. Not simply the words I choose but also the methods I employ in their utilization, okay? So if it pleases me, I will capitalize Cinnamon Rolls which have brought the world a Hell of a lot more happiness than bullets and I've decided deserve that extra monicum of respect. It's not like spelling. If I get too creative in my spelling you won't even know what the Fuck I am saying.
So I will punctuate autobiographically, Thank you. And I will happily put the letter Y in a word but if you ask me what the vowels are I will tell you A-E-I-O-U and never Y because it is my piece of paper and I am in charge.


Written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved but please share it with a friend if you like it.

"My History With Rabbits."

      Traveling is something I didn't know I loved until I was about 27 or so. I had gone to Chicago to perform in a National Poetry Show. While there, I stayed with a friend's in-laws and at one point stood in their backyard reciting poetry alone. Looking down I saw that a rabbit had approached and was sitting beside me. The more I spoke the closer it got, which led me to believe it was not a critic.
         After a while I stopped talking at the air and began directing my voice to the rabbit itself.. This felt wrong somehow. Why would I recite memorized writings to a rabbit when I could speak in a more present and improvised manner? I explained to the rabbit that this wasn't usually how I spent my days and introduced myself as a "Young artist and a new father" which sounded so douchey when I heard myself saying it.
        My buddy Manuel showed up and said, "That's weird that the bunny is so friendly with you. They are usually a bit stand-offish to humans."
       "Yeah, " I said, "But so am I."

         I began mentally cataloging things the rabbit and I had in common. A similar stance, dark eyes and a lack of comfort around others. It has always been my nature to share such lists (I make many lists in my head) with whoever is around to fill the void of conversation but I didn't see a need to with the rabbit. Not because it wouldn't understand, mind you but because of a growing feeling it knew that already.
         Later that day, a buddy of mine named Matthew JC suggested that it was my "Spirit Animal", a concept which fascinated me but also embarassed me. Whenever talk goes to the subject of spirits, I giggle like a 3-year old who just heard "Boobies." Not because I was opposed to the idea or anything. I quite like ghosts and boobies and would very much enjoy the presence of either but getting in a conversation about them just leaves my mouth agape and my face looking something like Bugs Bunny when he follows a carrot hanging from a fishing line.
       The rabbit hopped away eventually but not in a frightened manner. He just looked like he had something else to do.
       To this day, I feel no certainty about what lies in wait for us in the next realm but, I know what I am doing in this one. I travel when I can because you can meet interesting characters when you do. I make stories, jokes, films, music and such with little regard for memorization. When life permits I live in the moment with what I am doing at that time and not what I was doing yesterday. And while I'm doing all of that, I will continue to think of rabbits as some of my dearest friends.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but by all means, share this with a friend.

ZOMBIES ARE REAL

This is a rant on Zombies. I love zombies but I am told if you do not that this is still entertaining. Very well. Enjoy. Please share this with your friends.

#Undateable

        In a hashtag called "Undateable" on Twitter, I saw many people give stupid reasons why someone is, in fact, undateable like "If she bitch too much" (what if someone shot her in the face? That's a good reason to bitch a lot I think) or "If he won't let me wear heels"(of course not, that is just some insecure short guy trying to control you) so I began putting my own stupid or obvious ones, jokes mainly. Like, "If you killed my mom" or "If you like don't like to drink juice". Then I read the tweet of a girl who said something along the lines of "If you don't handle yo shit like a man" to which I responded "What if he handles his shit in a dress?"
      She then retweeted my question and hilariously added "If you so stupid you got to ask this question".
I asked her if "She had seen the documentary that explain pants" which baffled her and she said "Well, aren't you a man? How do you handle your shit?"
      I immediately apologized and explained that I was from a European nation called "Briggledorn" where "Is this bad? I am afraid my shit is without handles". She typed "Hahaha" and again, retweeted my comment and I tweeted, "In my country  we are nice people but we all wear dress.The shit we handle is in bags.Government confiscates these for fuel."
      She tweeted "Oh, okay then..." suggesting she would stop being mean since I was from another land. This means she feels racism is bad but regularly practices homophobia. She showed tolerance when I pretended to be foreign and hostility when I asked about a man wearing a dress, which, of course, does not make a man gay but, did in her eyes.
      Presumably she does not know she is homophobic. Without getting too preachy, I find it strange that we categorize the myriad forms of prejudice in our society. Each one has it's own word (racism, ageism, sexism, homophobia, etc.) I think this complicates things. Maybe it should all be rolled up into one ball called "Being a dumb hateful person".
     After that, she stopped tweeting entirely. So I just saved Twitter folk from conversations with her for a little while. You're welcome. I, then, said "Thank you for teaching me ways American man behaves. I am of appreciation" or something like that. Totally exploiting her gullibility like the asshole I am. Anyway, I had a good time.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

"The Best Thing Since 1928"

          In 1928, the invention of sliced bread became commonplace and was the best thing since itself. Also in 1928, my Grandpa John was born although he hasn't really taken off yet.

        He was invented by his father's sperm and his mother's egg (respectively). But he was given up for adoption so we don't really know who they were and my full ethnicity is a bit of a mystery and could be responsible for my unusual features.
written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

Jimmy Rocker Soundbites

This is clips from the Jimmy Rocker(world famous air guitarist) interview.
It was 10 hours but this is just the good parts condensed to about 6 minutes.
He is one of my better known characters.

 by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved

"The Exotic Tale of the Mattresses"

       When she mentioned that she wanted one of those memory foam mattresses like on TV,
I jokingly asked my wife, "What did humans do before mattresses?"
       She took me literally and said, "Hay," which, of course, is what many would sleep on before the mattress was invented.
But I didn't hear her correctly and thought she said, "Hate."
As in, "What did people do before mattresses?"
"Hate.......they just hated!!!!"
Sometimes a kid who couldn't sleep would say, 'Mommy, I can't sleep' and the Mommy would ask,
"Have you tried hating something? There's much in this world to hate.....like demons, scurvy and feeling parched for mead."
"Boy, this is such a long time ago," the child would say.
"Yes," the mother would continue, "You can also hate the fact that waiters and waitresses have to have separate classifications based on gender even though they don't use their genitals to bring you a glass of water. The point is, if you hate hard enough, you will fall asleep. A pox on thee who don't hate themselves into an unconscious state! Or you could always do what mommy does and imagine some golden fleeced sheep leaping over a fence in the magical realm of Brigadoon, and then hate those sheep!!!! Hate 'em I tells ya'!!!"

But that isn't what my wife said. She said, "Hay."

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

"SHAPES"

When normal people retrace their own steps they call it "Going in circles."
Nerds call it "Going in squares."
As a vocation, Baseball players must "Go in diamonds", Racecar drivers must "Go in Ovals" and MMA fighters have to "Go in octagons."
Crazy people call what they do "Going in trapezoids."
The full bladdered must constantly "Go Potty."

This piece is what I call "Going to bore you."

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

"The Super Awesome Power of Fish"

I don't believe in God but I also have no interest in trying to convince people that they should not. Regardless of your personal core value system, will you do me a favor? Just for a second, hear me out.
              The stereotype (which isn't always true) is that Conservatives and Republicans are big fans of Jesus while Democrats and Liberals are iffy on him. That the Republican right reads the Jesus comic book every month while Liberals just wait for the movie.
              Fair enough. I can't change this stereotype nor do I want to. I am, admittedly, not a Christian. I do not believe in any God, be it Jesus, Zeus, or Thor. But just for the sake of argument, let's say those of you who are practicing Christians are correct. That everything in the Bible (even the weird stuff that doesn't make sense) is true. I have seen countless folks on the right with rings that say 'What Would Jesus Do' in an attempt to remind themselves to behave more like him. 
             While not a biblical historian, I recall a tale in which Jesus made a whole bunch of fish and loaves of bread materialize for a group of hungry people. I don't remember Jesus demanding proof of their employment, identification, or citizenship(please correct me if he did). So now we know Jesus was even more generous than food stamps (something many conservatives are against). I remember another tale in which Jesus cured the lepers, right? He did not charge them. This was Free Health Care in the form of Jesus magic!!!
             Ladies and gentlemen, while I am no biblical scholar, I submit to you that Jesus Christ, the widely accepted son of God (although if you believe we are all God's children then so am I) was and is a fan of free health care plans.
            Clearly, he supported a public option when freely distributing cures and lunch. And his dad, (the world renowned celebrity, God) never told Jesus that his magic would be infinite. So as far as Jesus knew, giving away all those fish sandwiches would economically diminish his power. As far as any of us know, sandwich depletion was like Jesus Kryptonite. And need I remind thee of thy Lords sacrifice? No. I needeth not. He still helped those people according to the Christian mythology.

            Certainly the constitution defends our religious freedoms and one is not obligated to believe in Jesus  but, to be fair and consistent, if you DO believe in him then you have no choice but to be all for helping your fellow man.

"Yeah, but, Tony....what if they don't work?"
Jesus doesn't care. Remember when I pointed out he didn't check if those people were employed?
"What if they're foreigners?"
Jesus doesn't care. He didn't check where they were from, remember?
"What if Kanye or Toby Keith wrote a song about him?"
Jesus doesn't care. According to your book he lives in Heaven where all is magical and any human music would be boring compared to the rocking jams up there.
          Republicans, I implore you, don't assume everyone can work as easily as you do. Some people are handicapped. Or they can't get jobs for various reasons like pregnancy, skin tone, some are babies, and some are even dead (the dead can't hold down a job. Just a coffin.)
         Hell, some people might be too stupid. Seriously. Even if you are going to continue believing in a magic book that has all the answers, the book simply never said, "God hated his stupid children."
        Stupid people get hungry and need medicine, too. As do the poor, the babies and the dead (You've never seen a zombie? Those dudes need help.) Besides, if medicine was only for the rich, there would be a commercial where a monocled old fart rolls down his window and says to another old bastard in a car, "Pardon me...have you any Grey Poupon...or Pepto Bismol?"
        I have often heard Republicans argure that, "Yes, Tony. Some people are stupid but, it is okay to judge them seeing as how they could just go to school and get smarter." I will now disprove this argument, as well. Is there anything you learned in school that you forgot? Of course, we all do. If we have good brains we don't forget much is all. But there are stupid people whose brains forget the majority, a fact proven by the existence of the show, 'So you think you're smarter than a 5th grader', (which has a conservative host by the way.)
       To be fair, if you DO want lots of innocent people to die, then it is consistent for you to not want health care reform or you to keep voting Republican. But then you gotta ask yourself what side you play for.
Here are your options if you want to be consistent in your beliefs:
1. Be an atheist Republican.
2. Be a Christian Liberal.
Or better yet, 3. Be yourself.
       I don't have a "close personal relationship" with God or Jesus Christ. In fact he never returned my calls. I used to leave him messages and check my inbox regularly but, to no avail.
       Still, all in all, he seemed to me like he was one of the good guys according to his stories.
Maybe THE good guy.
Helped people.
Entertained them.
Did tricks. Walked on water (although rumor has it this really bugged those who were about to drink it.) He even sacrificed himself to the Death panels (I was as surprised as you were.)

         I saw a clip of Glenn Beck on TV talking about the distribution of wealth. He said charity and giving to the poor is fine BUT, not if the rich have to pay. Apparently, when he watched Robin Hood, he rooted for the Sheriff of Nottingham.
         If you root for Robin Hood when you watch a Robin Hood movie, you have no choice but to be FOR taking from the rich to give to the poor.
        All I am saying is, let your actions be more consistent with your world view. Are you for robbin' the hood? Or are you one of the good guys?
If so, perhaps one day when the rich can hire folks to die for them, the poor can make a living.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved.

'Superman, Dracula & Jesus Go To The Sizzler'

This cartoon features the Man of Steel himself as he and his lunch mates, Dracula and Jesus share with us their concerns over eating at the Sizzler. Of course, as you already guessed, Dr.Phil shows up and things are not the same after that.

'The Corn Call'

This is me calling the Boston Market (who were very nice) and telling them I was going to bring in a celebrity to eat there but that I was concerned since he has many special needs.

'One of the 2 Head Guys Resigned Today'

             My friend Liz mentioned that "One of the 2 head guys resigned today" meaning that there are most likely 2 separate guys who are in charge of something at her place of employment and one of them has just quit his job. But the way she said it got me excitedly thinking about 2 headed people. Something I have not done for hours.
             The possibilities of being a 2 headed man fascinate me. Not only because I often have trouble deciding on which hat to wear(problem solved), but also because I like attention. Whether your heads are handsome or ugly, I imagine having enough of them to match your legs would be a plus. In the movies, 2 headed people always argue with themselves for the sake of comedy (the line for those of us who can't wait to see that joke again starts here) but I think if I had 2 heads I would most likely agree with myself a lot, which would bring me much pleasure when driving.
           I know many arguments could be made for why it would suck. My appearance would frighten children, brushing my teeth would take twice as long and I would have no idea where to put the seat belt. However, the list of positive repercussions I feel far outweighs the negative.
           For example, eating corn on the cob would look hilarious. I could do the spaghetti scene from 'Lady and the Tramp' all by myself. For Halloween I could be Batman AND Robin. And if I started making out with myself in costume, nerds would laugh so hard they would shit their pants and run home to change, which would give me the prime selection of all the comics(cuz the comic shop is where I would trick or treat).
          I could make the "Who's on first" sketch lose all meaning and seem metaphysical because how could one of my heads be confused about players names if we were both there to learn the roster at the same time? It would go like this, "Who's on first." "Yeah, I know."
         Sex would always be a three-way, bobbing for apples would be easy, no one would block my vision at the movie theater, and reciting the lyrics to a Beastie Boys song would sound 1/3 better than it used to. See? Two is better. Or not. Who knows? Fun to think about, though, huh? I'm just glad that guy resigned. It gave me something to post. I'm not the type to post about what I had for lunch. And neither is my other head.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, but share it with friends.

          

'The Immense Difficulty of Going to Sleep.'

          The human body needs sleep. In fact, not just THE human body (which has been credited to me more than once) but ALL human bodies. My own track record for eating, drinking, and breathing is remarkable if I do say so myself.
          Every time I want to eat, I do. And if the desire to breathe air should overwhelm me, I have been known to successfully inhale it on occasion. Yet, last night I failed at sleep.
The process was as follows:
1. Recognizing I was feeling tired.
2. Lying down.
and 3. Staying awake.
           I believe it was step 3 that screwed it all up.
           I don't recall a time when I attempted to eat food and just missed entirely. Here's what I do: I place the food in my mouth (that's just how I do it-you do it your way) my teeth grind and chomp the food stuff down into a weakened, if not, destroyed state and swallow. Then, without even trying I might add, I digest said material and turn it into waste. Impressed?
          I have never "messed up" and turned my food into a Cadillac or an igloo. I have never tried to breathe air and accidentally sucked Tom Hanks deeply into my nostrils and lungs. Never drank a glass of water and the next morning pissed out the Book of Mormon.
          So, why is it, with this knowledge of my extraordinary physical abilities, should I fail time and again to get a good night's sleep?
          Is it the Republicans? No. Too easy.
         Could it be my kids are sometimes noisy in the night? No. Because I would sometimes fail to sleep even as a single bachelor, plowing through a veritable sea of vaginas. So, I shouldn't blame it on the kids.
         No, friends, no. It's me. I must take responsibility. The bad sleep is on me. And I sadly do not know the answer. Unable to relax, I must essentially pass out from exhaustion like an aging Tyrannosauraus Rex after he has spent an hour trying to do a push-up.
        "But, Tony," I hear you asking in your mind, "Why then do you still, at times, fail to go to sleep?"
        Good question, faceless audience.
        However, the answer lies in the question itself, just as a Smurf lies in a mushroom thusly inspiring everything Timothy Leary ever pondered. Are you ready? Because here comes the truth.
        The phrase is..."Go To Sleep." Go. As in travel.
        This leads me to believe that regular people, and by regular people, I mean those of you who do not credit the Smurfs with the revolutionary ideas thought up by others, seem to know the "path" to "get to" this mythical town of "Sleep".
        None of you will share the secret to relaxation, of course, due to terrible upbringings and/or a fear that I may take away your dreams in the night. Not at all. I promise. I just want to know how to get there. Is there a quest I could go on that could result in me procuring a map? Does anyone care?
        Assuming some of you regular folk, with your precious sleeping abilities and your love of hot soup don't mind sharing this knowledge, then it would seem the directions to Sleep are just too difficult to give. I've never heard a friend say, "Take a right at Arizona, summon the Beast of Tranquility, Speaketh the magic chant, then keep going until you see  Tired and just a little past that is Sleep."
        I am thinking if no one can or will tell me, I may have to get a long wooden stick, a polka dotted  cloth wrapped around the things I own (which are nothing more than a box of matches, a goldfish and a Boxcar Willie record), throw my thumb out into the air (not literally) and hitch a ride with one of you commuters so we can go all the way to Sleep together.
       If you see me on the side of the road with circles under my eyes and a turtle by my feet, please pick me up. I promise not to eat, kill or rape you.
       I just need to go to sleep.
       THE human body requires it.


written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved. But please, share it.

'Superman, Batman and Breastfeeding'

          A Facebook friend of mine(we will call her Rachel McAwesome Sauce for security reasons)who  is a new mother would like to pump her breast milk occasionally at work and one of her bosses has asked her not to(we will call him AssFace Jones for security reasons). I have 3 kids and I know that there are numerous problems with this mans request.
1. It leaked from his stupid mouth.
2. If a mother who nurses her child does not regularly nurse or pump than she can "dry up" so to speak(sorry to get so medical on you)and be unable to nurse or pump.
3. Would he ask a man not to pee for 8 hours? (and no, I am not suggesting breast milk is something to discard like pee, only that holding in a bodily fluid when one needs to release it can be a tad uncomfortable to say the least. Imagine your chest expanding against your will and to release the pain all you have to do is love your child.)
4. If a woman is unable to nurse or simply does not want to, she should not feel guilty since there are many very healthy formulas one can purchase however, breast milk is even better and if a woman is capable and wants to, is there a man on this Earth that should get in her way? No.
         Superman can fly. He can reach speeds no jet airplane on Earth can match. So, my question is this. If Superman hears the scream of someone who is in need of help, should he walk there? Should he sit at home and hope this screaming person is helped by someone else? Babies cry when they are in need of food or comfort. They can't do these things without help. Often a womans breasts will begin to leak at the exact time that their baby is ready for a feeding. So a woman knows when she needs to nurse or pump. It is like her spidey sense is tingling.. What if, instead of a flying Superman, we are talking about Batman, and Batman hears someone screaming and he can send out a remote control BatBot to save the day but Alfred is all "Could you hold in that instinct? It might make Robin uncomfortable.                                                           
        I say screw that shit. Robin will always be uncomfortable. He wears tights and is yelled at by a big man dressed like a monster. He even has to wear tights around Catwoman and Poison Ivy. Holy other expanding body parts, Batman!! I know I am a nerd but, my friends, wouldn't you fly if you were Superman? Heroes should save the day. Moms should nurture their children and anyone who is neither should have a tall glass of Pipe Down juice. It makes some guys uncomfortable? Really? Well, it makes the mom far more uncomfortable to have 2 of her body parts(2 of the best ones I might add)swelling up and telling her when to release. It makes babies uncomfortable to not eat when they are hungry.
       And why would you discourage a woman from using her powers for good? Could it be because you are one of the bad guys? Seriously. Women can turn into a restaurant for babies. Think about that. A woman can keep a baby alive with nothing more than her own body. That is amazing. I am a man. And I am a modern man so I'm not even good at killing stuff to bring to the baby. I go to the store. I use already sliced ham and turkey and bread to make a sandwich. Do you understand that, people? For the same reason you should not expect every guy to be a hulking He-Man of fire and steel(society killed us off long ago), you should not demand a woman to hold off using her special abilities.
      Men are rarely men. But women are still often women. And it is awesome.

written by Tony Santiago, all rights reserved, share this with a friend. The CD is one of my many Cd covers you can see at the end of my movies. http://www.youtube.com/user/BansheeMilk Doesn't this lady have pretty eyes?